this post is full of shit ...

I am standing in Az's living room in front of the couch, and I see that he has fallen asleep with DJ (my ex's baby nephew) cuddled up to him. Az is kind of lying on his side while DJ is sprawled out against his stomach and legs. It's a cute sight to see, but I worry that Az may accidentally roll over onto Deej, so I need to pick him up off the couch. I realize that Az is kind of crushing him from the waist down ... how did I not notice that before? Did it just happen?

Now, I see that he doesn't even have a diaper on. The little punk must've taken it off. I smell something awful, but I don't see poop anywhere. I ask Az to get up, which he does, and sure enough, the poop falls off of the leg of his pants - gross. I realize that I also have a smudge on my new robe ... I guess from when I moved DJ from the couch. Man, I just washed this thing last night!

I switch into my old, ratty robe for now and realize that there is also poop on this one. (wft??) Why haven't I cleaned up the mess on the floor/couch yet? I need to put a new blanket on the couch and clean up the floor in the living room. (for some reason I didn't even think to clean up DJ and put a new diaper on him. In fact, I don't even know where he went).

Az hasn't even changed into some clean pants. I'm annoyed because he doesn't even care - he's just going to stay in them.

I still haven't cleaned up the messes. I need to get on that. Why do I keep procrastinating?

I'm over by the bathroom, I think to get a towel. There are some big, new, fancy white shelves where the closet used to be. There are new rags and towels, a variety of sizes and colors (yellow, blue and pink, all extremely vivid, stand out the most in my memory) folded nicely on almost every shelf. I guess this is what Az's mother has been doing while she had the house to herself. When did she buy all these new towels? I find it odd that it seems as though there is only a towel for each shelf - I think they could all fit in a couple so that the other shelves could be used for other things.

Something else happens here, but I've lost the details. I think it involves talking to a stranger who is for some reason in the house, by the new shelves.

Another distraction. I still have poop to clean up. ugh!

***

I'm not sure that I'll ever want kids (not any time soon, at least) but every once in a while, I will daydream about it; especially right after having been around children or talking with mother/father friends about their children. (I have this fear that I will not make a good mother which fuels in me a strong desire to be known as a good mother, hence the desire to dream up 'test' scenarios.) That's been the case, lately. On the way home from our road trip, my mind was bored, and at some point, I began imagining different scenes where I placed myself in different motherly positions - whether as an actual mother or simply babysitting. Certain aspects of those daydreams did appear in the dream.

I have not seen DJ in a long time since I am no longer with my ex, but I remember how good my ex was with him before he had a son of his own; I was thinking about it the other day when he sent me a video of his son laughing hysterically. This is probably the reason for DJ's appearance. Sometimes, I try and imagine how Az would be as a father (as I did at the xmas party with his family), which likely inspired the babysitting theme.

I got Az's mother new towels for xmas, so that might have something to do with the towels on the new shelves. I bought her beige towels because that's what matched the bathroom best, but I secretly wanted to buy the brightly colored ones. ;)

Az's mother was also planning to clean the house while everyone was gone for the day, so I wondered if there would be a huge difference by the time we got home. This may have inspired bright new shelves thing.

My annoyance with Az for not changing his pants may have something to do with the fact that he doesn't always change into clean clothes when I would (like after he'd been under his car changing his oil). It has never annoyed me irl but I do think about it for a brief moment ("he's not going to change? silly boys ... I would feel like I had to"), but perhaps it does on some level, and is one of those things that will surface once we've been together for a bit longer ... ;)

I've been feeling guilty because I've been using the holidays as an excuse to neglect my math, so perhaps that has something to do with the procrastination anxiety.

I had to wash my new robe because I wore it while I was sick this week- I felt like it must be full of germs. Yesterday, I had to wash it again because I got it dirty. I was a little annoyed because I didn't want to wear the old one - it's not as warm, soft and fuzzy. ;)

As for the shit ...

I don't feel like analyzing that one. :)

a Deli Snooze

I've lost many details of this one, but the latest scene I can recall: I am standing in the middle of the deli, broom in hand, getting ready to sweep when I look up and notice that someone is trying to get my attention from across the aisle, on the other side of the counter. It turns out to be the cute brunette (although she's tried every hair color, which in itself is somehow arousing to me?) from produce, and she has apparently been standing there for quite a few minutes now. She waved, giving me a look that I translated to, "finally you notice!" I think she just wanted to say good-bye (I guess her shift is over), since she literally just waved and then set off for the next aisle that leads to the front doors.

Next scene I can recall: I am lying on the prep table in the deli; apparently, I've fallen asleep here. I look over (the prep table is located behind the deli counter, and off to the side where customers don't usually notice immediately) and notice that there is a man, who somewhat resembles 'Borat', waiting to place an order. I don't know how long he's been standing there, or how long I've even been sleeping, but I jump up, and try to play it off. It's too late though - he already knows that I had fallen asleep. He's not angry at all though -- in fact, he seems thoroughly amused. I don't remember him commenting, but I do remember his smile and the sight of his laughter (I couldn't really hear anything).

As I walk toward the center of the deli (where we usually greet the customers, since there is so much crap on the counter to the far left and right), I think of how messy my hair seems to be. Ugh, how embarrassing. For some reason, I just can't open my eyes enough - it's too bright. I'm trying to, but I can't see well. This is so frustrating ...

***

I do not know the girl in produce, but Az's brother dated her for a short time, so I am aware of her bi-sexuality. Before I knew that about her, my ex worked in produce with her, so I'd noticed her even then; she definitely fit my idea of cute. Becoming aware of her bi-sexuality however has led me to wonder whether her smiles are polite or something a little more. ^_^

The other day, she needed the mop as I was putting it away. We exchanged friendly glaces and said hello, which probably opened the schema associated with my curiosity of her, inspiring the dream situation.

My eyes are actually very sensitive to light (too much exposure to florescent lighting gives me a slight headache). I've never had trouble seeing at work, but the light does affect me negatively.

Dream Moods suggests that my lack of sight could signify difficulties and/or errors in judgment.

the Math Test

I've just completed a spare math test that was printed up with a number of other tests and quizzes by Az's mother for her students (she is a teacher, irl, and because I am trying to prepare myself for college, she lets me use some of her materials to practice with). I don't think I am actually one of her students in the dream, even though she is treating me as if I am (irl Az is my tutor, when I need one). I realize that she is grading my work, which is a little awkward for me considering that a) Az usually does it and b) I'm always afraid that his mom is judging me; in this case, that she'd think I was stupid (she's a sweet lady irl; I just have mommy-issues.)

I am confident that I did well on the test, so lack of skill has nothing to do with the anxiety. I've been working on this stuff for weeks. I see her shaking her head though, as she grades. There is almost a look of disgust on her face and, even though she thinks I can't hear her, she is mumbling something under her breath. I can't make it out, but who mumbles anything good under their breath? Does she think I'm like one of her dumb students? (she works with troubled kids; she is not a mean person, and does not throw that word around; she is very encouraging. Most of the kids in her class struggle, but that's that the issue. She deals with a lot of know-it-alls that don't want to learn and live under the delusion they can go far in life without passing high-school; these are the kids she rants about. Clearly, I wouldn't fit into that category, but my fears are rarely rational.)

I don't remember her handing it to me, but next thing I know, I have the graded test in my hands. I see that there is a giant, red 'F' on it. I am confused, among other things. I knew this stuff. Did I spend all that time learning it wrong?

***

As excited as I am to finally go to college next year (I've wanted to for such a long time, but family issues, lack of money, lack of time, etc all got in the way) I am also scared to death. It's all connected to fear of a new situation and my lack of confidence, which are things that I struggle with on a daily basis. (Gotta beat those!! >.<)

As for my mommy-issues .... yea, they gotta go too. It's been confirmed time and time again that the majority of women I've come to know are nothing like my mother.

Grrr, this is crap! I'll be aiming for sex dream next time, so wish me luck and stay tuned!

This is a Dream! Oops ... is it Not?

Az and I are sitting up on a queen-sized bed, he on the edge closest to the center of the room while I am in the center of the bed cuddled up next to him. I realize that I do not know exactly where we are, and it occurs to me it looks like a motel room. Why am I in a motel - I don't remember traveling? Things are a little suspicious, and I figure that I must be dreaming.

Suddenly, there is another man on our bed next to me, relaxing on the side closest to the door and window (I am snuggling up to Az, who is still on my other side). His face is completely blurred, but I can see his long, light brown, mangled hair, scruffy beard growing in, and an ear piercing clearly. Even though I'd never met him in person and have never seen a picture, I am somehow certain that this is a particular online friend of mine.

I don't think it was the case moments ago, but at this point, the friend and I are conveniently under the covers. I slip my hand under sheets, reaching for his waist, and slip my hand down his pants to feel whether or not he is erect. I feel that he is, and slip my hand back out, I slide back over to my boyfriend, and look up at him. He seems oblivious to the situation.

I have an urge to pounce on my friend, but I'd want to know first that Az is okay with it. Then I recall: this is only a dream! I scoot over, closer to my friend, practically on top of him and nibble on his lower lip. At this point, I hope it's a dream, but wonder if perhaps I'd misjudged it.

I crawl back over to Az and, looking up at him, notice an interesting expression. It's certainly not anger, but I can't exactly read it. It's almost the playful "you're such a punk" look that he gives me so often. :)

***

It should be noted that I love my boyfriend and thoroughly enjoy our sex life together. It is also true that I have fantasies of others joining in our special time. ;) My boyfriend is not down irl, and that is cool with me. My mind still likes to have its own way. ;)

The theme was likely inspired by a 'motel fantasy' mentioned in a conversation between the online friend and I.