the Coffee Quest

I'm on vacation with my parents in some sort of motel. I realize there is no coffeemaker in the room. My dad tells me that I have to walk outside to get to the coffee. My mom mentions it not being like the M. Country Motel. I think she is insinuating that it will be a longer walk. I remember the M. Motel ... the coffee was in the main cottage (a two minute walk).

I am now outside in what seems like a back alley. I pass a few strange shops - one of which seems mystical in nature (I can't remember the details). I'm suddenly feeling very anti-social. It's a little crowded. I'm thinking someone is going to try hitting on me and I'm really not in the mood. I just want coffee.

I'm at the end of a road leading to a main road where a 'parade' (I think?) is going on. I see T.W. helping with what looks like a float? Maybe it's something to do with 'the coffee house' (an evangelism outreach program my former church did and still does)? I ask her if she knows where I can find coffee. She points me in a direction, but she's not making sense. I continue walking.

I'm back at the motel, never having found it. My stomach hurts. I contribute this to the lack of coffee.

***

I got an e-mail from my mom after not having heard from her since they visited in December (when we stayed in the the M. Motel together) I tend to worry, when I don't hear from her, that she has somehow found out about my atheism and wants nothing to do with me all over again (we're only on good terms as of recently after six years of little to no communication). Thinking about their past visit is likely what inspired the setting.

I often feel anti-social at work when it comes to customers. I have days that I am fine making conversation and then days where everything from eye contact to explanations of a product make me nervous. I am always pleasant (for the most part) and rarely let these tendencies affect my happy facade, but they are there none-the-less. The nervousness in the dream came about the same way it does at work or any other time IRL - randomly and/or for silly reasons.

Facebook status updates about the coffee house (since I am still friends with some people from that church) probably influenced T.W.'s appearance and the coffee house. Perhaps my need for coffee triggered a memory of the most recent mention of the word?

Lack of coffee doesn't actually make my stomach hurt, but it does help keep me regular. When I don't have coffee, it does throw me off ... :-p I did wake up with an actual stomach ache, though. I also made myself a nice cup of coffee! ^_-

Rekindle the Flame (Tease)

I'm catching up with an old friend, J in some sort of casual dining area. It seems like an outdoor cafe. There is a stone patio and our table has an umbrella over top of it. She insists on paying, which makes me comfortable. She then suggests seeing a movie (I think it was a movie - this is a fuzzy detail) and plans to pay. At this point, she's at the bottom of the stone steps that lead off of the patio, while I am reluctantly waiting at the top. I can't afford the movie, but her generosity makes me uneasy. I feel as though I do not deserve her kindness. It's like old times. She's talking and laughing like nothing happened. For me, it's bittersweet. I am happy to reconnect with her but worried that it can't last.

***
I've been thinking about this old friend lately. She was one of the best I'd ever had. Sometimes, I wish we were still friends but given the fact that we bonded over our religosity and I am now an atheist, I don't think it could ever be the same. Not to mention, I left her out of that gradual transition completely, for the fear of being judged, which was painful for her. Even if she would of judged, it was unfair of me to not at least give her the chance to be apart of my life. It's a little too late at this point to fix and I am mostly at peace with the situation, but obviously my sub conscience still has a bit to say, hence the guilty tone.

It should also be noted that I'd always admired this friend for a number of reasons, but in this case, her intelligence. I'd always felt below her in that regard, and to seeing how far she's gone with school via facebook status updates while I've had to put higher learning off due to lack of finances makes me feel unsuccessful. I think that explains much of the uneasiness of this dream.


-- Goals --

☆ for more pleasant dreams: Kick negative thoughts out of my mind the moment they appear. I need to get out of the habit of comparing myself with others in waking life. I also need to do the same with thoughts connected to the past.

☆ for lucidity: Get back into the habit of questioning reality in waking life.