What the hell ...

I'm leaning against a wall, inside what seems to me some sort of mall (it resembles W mall in the city where I grew up). I see Randy, a past 'fling', coming toward me, with a girl by his side - somehow, I know she is just a flirty-friend. A part of me wants him to notice me, but the other is unsure, since I don't know whether or not he's aware of my relationship with Erich. It's just always so awkward for me, making a guy (that I don't absolutely hate, that is ;)) aware of the fact that I'm not available. (I'm not exactly good at being blunt ...)

He notices me, and stops by to chat for a bit.

Next thing I know, I am no longer present - I am watching the same scene, only with a girl who greatly resembles actress Rachel McAdams, leaning up against the wall.

Suddenly, someone is coming toward her like Randy was, but it wasn't Randy; I don't know exactly who it was, but I got the feeling he was obnoxious. He stopped to talk to 'Rachel' ... I can't hear what they are saying up until, "Oh, no I can't go with you ... I'm waiting for someone ..." to which he responds, "no, he went with ______ (I don't remember the name mentioned) ... I am your soul mate!"

At this point, I am disgusted for one ... and confused as to why Rachel when along with this weirdo?? I hear him say something about a play they are to be in, so I assume that's where they are headed.

I follow them as they head toward the front of the mall.

Now, we are in some kind of fancy restaurant - but it's outside, and there is a stage ahead of us. I am still watching Rachel and the weirdo, as they are about to sit down at their fancy, circular table. I am now focused on Rachel who is still standing up, leaning over the table - it seems like she's staring at something on the center of it.

Now, I am watching the 'stage', although what I see seems to be the face of a creepy little girl. She looks just like a porcelain doll, but she's definitely real. She has ice blue eyes, curly blond hair, pale skin ... I am now focusing on her lips. They hardly move, but a voice is coming out. She's saying something, but I can't quite understand it - her voice is monotone and emotionless - I can't get over the fact that she is hardly moving her lips. There are captions on what I guess is a screen of what she's saying (but I don't remember what it said - I don't even know if I could read them in dream.) I think she is introducing the skit/play that is about to take place.

Now, I am back at the table where Rachel and the weirdo are .... Rachel still standing, focused on whatever is on the center of the table. All of a sudden, there is what seems to be some sort of explosion on the area of the table that she was focused on - it wasn't an explosion though, just forceful air that pushed them back about 3 feet from the table. It didn't seem to be dangerous, but it was startling and strange ....

***

Please, let this be a Dream!

I find myself in Dick and Wendy's* bedroom, where I am thinking, "Oh no ... this can't be real! I thought I got out of this hell .... please let this be a dream ....!" At this point, I notice that everything is unusually bright (it seemed like the sun was shining into the window, which is odd in a dream setting for me, as everything tends to be noticeably dim.)

I walk over by the window where the sunlight is, when I notice Angel over by Wendy's dresser, focused on on something, as she's looking down at the top of the dresser intently. I feel like she doesn't even know I'm there, and hoping that it stays that way. I feel like this must be a dream, as I remember getting myself out of this situation ... am I visiting, perhaps? Why would I be visiting ... I never wanted to see them again. Did I really even leave? Everything seems so vivid! How can this be a dream?

Still questioning whether or not this is real and hoping to find a way out of the situation, I am trying to make myself pass out by bending far over for a few moments and coming up quickly to get some blood to rush to my head (irl, I have dizzy spells quite frequently - generally from getting up from laying down too quickly). I figure if I can get myself to pass out, then maybe I will wake up. As I am starting to black out, I see that Angel has noticed me - I notice that she looks quite a bit taller than she was the last time I saw her. As the room is spinning and I am falling to the ground, she walks over to me and faintly I hear, 'mommy, I think something's wrong with Tai'. I think this is where I am wake up.

***

* For more details, see notes from "Prank Phone Call".

A couple days ago, I received an unknown phone call from the area code of where Wendy and Dick used to live (that is, before I knew them - their family and friends are still there, so their cell phones have always had that area code). I'm assuming it was either Angel or the new babysitter (he's called before to get information on how to fix the computer - I guess Angel must have mentioned that I would know what to do, in that case. Anyway, seeing the number must have opened my "Wendy and Dick' schema, hence the annoying theme. >.<>

Dreams in my Dreams!

I don't think I am actually present, but I find myself in what seems to be some sort of restaurant or pub. I am in a dim corner following a conversation going on between a group of girls sitting at a circular table that seems to be no less than three feet away from where I stand. One girl in particular is Ariel, a childhood acquaintance whom I remember from homeroom in 6th grade. I hear her saying something along the lines of "everyday, I have to visit my dad by the dumpster and feed him ham" to which I'm thinking, "what the fuck?"

I connected her words to the idea of having to go through hard times, which I find refreshing, considering I've always gotten the impression that she was fairly well off. At some point, I become aware that she is just as into dreams as I am (I don't remember if she said something to cause this realization, or if I just randomly got a feeling ...) and I conclude that the the whole 'feeding dad ham in the dumpster' thing was probably something from a dream she was describing. Still, I am pleasantly surprised that dream recall seems to be a hobby of hers.

The next scene I can recall: I don't know exactly where I am - it seems that I am still in the pub with Ariel and the other girls, but there is now some kind of computer in the room (on a food service cart, I believe) that we are gathered around. She shows off her dream website, and we are reading white words on a deep blue (possibly starry?) background that are in the form of karaoke lyrics (moving down the screen, words being highlighted as I read them). I find this odd, but am mostly focused on reading what is apparently one of Ariel's more recent dreams.

At this point, I am in a totally different scenario - I find myself in the deli where I work, when a random girl (customer) wants my attention. As I am looking at her, I notice that she has a very simple kind of pretty face - very natural, with long, blond, unmaintained but yet still lovely hair to match. She doesn't want anything from the deli - she wants to inform me of a tornado that went through her community. Throughout the dream, I have this lingering feeling that I am working on some kind of 'project' and that this is apparently why this girl came up to me with the information she's currently presenting - she's 'heard' about my 'project' and wants to help.

After she presents the facts, I begin to ask questions that seem to make her uncomfortable for some reason. ("what community do you live in?" is the only one I can recall. I feel like some of these questions were on a more personal level however, but I don't know that for sure.) She's still answering them, but is obviously a little nervous, as opposed to the excitement she expressed while presenting the facts.

***

I didn't notice not being able to read in the dream (karaoke website scene), but I've always heard that it is impossible to. I can't for the life of me remember what I had read, but am fairly certain that I understood in the dream, as I remember being intrigued by it ???

As for finding the idea of Ariel struggling in life refreshing ... irl I do often wish that some friends from my past could have had it rough. We are worlds apart now - it's hard for me to relate to people who still see the world in terms of black and white.

On a different note ... I've always thought of Ariel as naturally adorable, which probably also inspired the naturally pretty girl in the last dream.

Speaking of the last dream: I think the 'uncomfortable' feeling was my mind's way of expressing the way I often feel when it comes to expressing deeper feelings irl. Within the dream, I was the confident one pushing the questions and, while noticing her uneasiness, not allowing it to affect me. Irl, I am more often either too uncomfortable to express what's on my mind at all, or too uncomfortable to go on once I notice that I am making someone else uncomfortable.

the Box

I'm pushing my shopping cart around what seems to be the Family Dollar when I run into Wendy, doing the same. For some reason, it does not seem awkward for either of us - although I am slightly aware that it probably should. She's mostly venting about how her husband is driving her insane (irl, she always vented about that - always vented, but never actually did anything about it -it got to be pretty damn annoying after a while). Eventually, she brings up her friend, Lina, who is apparently living with them now.

Wendy informs me that Lina went through the box that I had left in the basement. I'm a little annoyed at this, but it's just the principle - there is actually nothing in the box that I really care about.

Fragment:
something about the MM forum - ahhh ... I know it was funny, but I can't remember anything about it!

***

I met Lina once or twice - she is Wendy's friend from childhood. They are supposedly 'good friends', yet they obviously don't trust each other, as they are constantly going behind the other's back? Anyway, she appeared every once in a while and then dropped off the face of the earth - Wendy never knew what to expect with her. It's a fucked up friendship in general, and I have occasionally wondered if she'd end up living there for a time.

I did actually leave a box in their basement - if I could teleport that box back to me, I would - but it's definitely not worth the drama to go back and get it. Anyway, I do actually wonder from time to time if they've gone through it or trashed it...

Prank Phone Call

I am prank calling the people I used to live with off and on for a good while (I feel like there was a major plot and the prank calls just took up some time in between, but all I can remember is the phone calls ...) I think I've been doing this for the past few hours, every 20 minutes or so - I call, wait for someone to pick up, and then hang up. I am getting some twisted sense of pleasure out of it - I feel a rush as I'm about to call once more ... it's ringing, ringing, and now I am hearing Dick's voice (I think Wendy has been picking up until this point.) Since it's Dick (irl, he is this total failure of a human being whom I thoroughly despise), I decide to stay on the line, but silently, until he begins flipping out on me, apparently aware that it's been me all along. Extremely amused, I can barely contain my laughter, but I do manage to stay mostly silent through the majority of the rant until I am finally satisfied enough to hang up.

I now realize that I am in my boyfriend's house, but it is actually my parent's house in the community where I grew up, though it's obviously supposed to be my current community. In this set up, Wendy and Dick live across the street from me in the house where my childhood friend, who is also named 'Wendy', used to live (irl, Dick and Wendy live in the same community, but far enough away to where I can easily avoid them.)

Because of the sudden realization that they are right across the street, I am a little uneasy. As I'm wishing to take back my actions, their daughter, Angel, appears inside of my living room - apparently, she walked over all by herself.

I find myself infuriated with Dick and Wendy for not paying attention to their young daughter enough to notice that she left the house so late at night (somehow, I 'knew' that was the case), not to mention nervous to even be face to face with her (she was very attached to me when I lived with them, but I had to leave because of issues with the parents. My leaving broke her little heart, but there really was no reasonable way to stay in contact, being on bad terms with the parents and all.)

Suddenly, I am yelling at Angel for coming over here all by herself without permission. What am I doing?? I shouldn't have yelled - I'm not really mad at her. I can't believe I just took out the anger I have for her parents on her - I'm feeling pretty guilty right about now.

(I don't remember the actual details of this, but I know that I apologized in some way - though I don't think it was verbal. I think I cut myself off mid-yell and let myself calm down a bit.) I am now talking to her like she is my best little buddy, the way that I used to. I know I have to send her back home very soon, but I don't want her to feel like I don't care or that I am just trying to get rid of her.

Somehow, I've managed to find these bright pink care bear cookies randomly in the kitchen (I have never seen cookies this pink before - they almost look like they must be gummies or some kind of candy, but they are indeed cookies.) I'm giving them to her as we walk toward the door - the cookies seem to have distracted her enough (without a distraction, she would have gotten extremely emotional over this, as she is an abnormally sensitive child). She seems content for the moment, as she cooperatively walks out the door back to her house. I wave goodbye, and watch her cross the street.

***

It should be noted that I do feel guilty for 'deleting' Angel from my life ('deleting' is what it feels like). I think it was the best option, considering the issues with her parents, as mentioned above, and having to move on with my own life. Still, it does hurt knowing that a little girl was crushed over it all. She is not mine nor is she related in any way, but I was the one picking up the slack for over a year, as her parents emotionally neglected her more and more. I truly feel for kids who are neglected by lazy/selfish parents, and these strong feelings likely had a part in this dream.

As for the prank phone calls, it was probably my mind's attempt at revenge, since they used to keep close tabs on me by phone, worried that they'd lose their free live-in nanny thus having to actually be parents.

Annoying Dick specifically was likely my small way of getting back at him for being such a sleazy piece of trash!

I have no idea about the ridiculously pink cookies?!

eek, Spider!

I'm in the living room of my boyfriend's house (though, once again it did not look like his actual house - I think it more closely resembled a former friend, Wendy's house) when I spot a giant spider on the floor. Its body was about the size of a plum, but shaped more like a tear drop. Its legs, however, are not proportional to its body, as they more closely resemble the legs of a large daddy long leg's. Its body is kind of silver in color, which I find rather odd - it looks more like something you'd find in a video game. I'm not really looking forward to it, but I know that I'm going to have to kill this thing. I take another look at its freakishly large body and wonder if its guts are going to burst like the piece of fruit it resembles would? I take a deep breath and go in for the kill (I was planning to 'pop' its body - with a stick maybe? I can't recall that detail...) when, suddenly, it's on the other side of the room! That thing just crawled as fast as I can run!?

At this point, my boyfriend's mom wonders what I am doing. When she realizes that I'm trying to kill a spider, she figures that I'm just being a silly little girl and decides to give it a shot (I don't think she said so, but I got the feeling it's what she was thinking- "silly little girl"). She sees just how big it really is and makes a comment, to which I thought, "now you see I'm not overreacting, don't you?!"

Still, she tries to kill it and it crawls away from her as well before she has a chance to plan her move. She seems confused and surprised, but not too worried about it being lost somewhere in the room. We have no idea where it went, but it's getting late and she is more concerned with getting ready for bed. She goes into her room as I am contemplating what I'm going to do - I sleep in the living room, where the spider is out lurking. I'm so exhausted, but I know the moment I lay down to close my eyes, it's going to come out and do something.

***

IRL, killing spiders is a fairly common thing in this house. :) I also frequently joke about how they tend to 'chase' me or how they are 'plotting against me'. Recently, there was a huge one (although, not quite as large as the dream spider ;) in the bathroom underneath the corner of the mirror. I let is stay because it was only a daddy long legs and didn't seem to be causing any trouble. Then one morning, it wasn't there. No one had killed it as far as I knew, so I was wary whenever I used the bathroom for a couple days after that, in fear that the spider would sneak up on me.

This likely inspired the dream. There was also a movie on last night where the character was fighting what looked like a giant spider, according to my boyfriend. I wasn't paying attention to it, but perhaps my subconscious soaked up a few little details anyway?

As far as my feelings toward his mom thinking I was being a little girl, I can't stand being underestimated, especially by someone I respect. ;) This probably has something to do with my annoyance toward her in the dream. Even though it wasn't completely unfair to assume I was being a little girl since I can be on occasion (though, not particularly when it comes to spiders), the girl in my fantasies is tough and completely fearless.

ick, Little Boys

My boyfriend's mom went to go somewhere, leaving this 11-year-old boy she was supposedly tutoring earlier in the day at the house with me (this house didn't at all look like hers irl, but it didn't resemble a house that I can recall ever being to either.) I'm feeling like she 'forgot' him, but I somehow realize that that his dad will be coming shortly to pick him up (I think the boy informed me, but I don't remember ever conversing with him?). I'm nervous about him being there, but am unsure as to why, exactly. I just don't know how to act with him around and I feel like I can't relax or be myself.

Next thing I remember is being lost in the rain on what seems to be a college campus. I distinctively remember a maroon 'circle' design in the stones that make up the section of the sidewalk where all the other paths meet in the middle of the 'campus'.

***

Note: irl, I tend to be slightly 'uncomfortable' around pre-teen/teenage boys. I just don't know how to be around them; there's always this lingering knowledge of how immature and ridiculous they tend to be, which makes me feel icky. I always assume they're thinking something perverted about me, lol and while I don't mind that sort of thing in some cases, younger guys have never been my cup of tea.

Black Lace

I am with my boyfriend in his mother's bedroom and he is showing me this black, lace dress of his mother's that he wants me to try on. It looks sexy, yet modest - but it's not as sexy as I'd like it to be (I remember wishing it to be a hot piece of lingerie).

As I am trying it on, I notice that it does look like lingerie once it's on me - this is confusing, since it was definitely a more modest article of clothing when my boyfriend held it up, but I am more concerned with how pleased I am to be wearing it.

I pose for my boyfriend, who rather enjoys it but says that he prefers another garment that I own (one that I had tried on for him once before apparently, but not irl). This puzzles me - how can he possibly think that is hotter than what I'm wearing now? I'm trying to figure it out until I am suddenly worried that his mother will come home and catch us in her bedroom.

***

IRL, earlier within the week, a sweet old lady that I work with wanted to give me a blouse of hers. I was a little worried that it would be gaudy based on her description, but I accepted the offer to be polite. Surprisingly, it didn't look half bad. It looked like something I might even wear on a dressy occasion. I brought it home to my boyfriend who was obviously getting ideas (even though I couldn't tell at the time) since later that night he asked me to wear it for him. ;)

Obviously, this experience must have inspired the dream version. ^_^

Oh, the Drama!

I'm at a campground from my childhood with old friends, JR and Kassie (both in the dream and irl, JR and Kassie used to date) We were all hanging out under the awning of the picnic area, when I noticed JR being very flirtatious with Kassie. (I don't remember any specifics, other than playfully pushing each other - it was mostly a strong feeling that something was going on between them.)

JR's little sister came over to us, warning JR that his girlfriend (the girlfriend's first and last name were mentioned by the little sister in the dream, but it was no one that I actually knew and it is not his girlfriend irl) was angry about what was going on and planning to break up with him over it. Kassie just seems oblivious as to what is going on (she is kind of ditzy irl ... okay, very ditzy)

(at some point, the scene switched) Next thing I know, we are all in the basement (underneath the picnic area) where the bathrooms and storage areas are. JR is a little upset about what has happened and is questioning his inability to stay satisfied with a girlfriend. At this point, I feel compelled to answer his question, but I am afraid of offending Kassie (who is also in the room).

***

Note: irl, my opinion has always been that JR tends not to pick girls he's actually interested in on a deeper level. For instance, he settled for Kassie simply because he found out that she had a crush on him, while actually being more interested in our other friend, Drew.

Fragment:
I'm watching Pam (a girl that hates me irl) from my house, running through a large stretch of grass that is a yard (I guess) across the street from where I am standing. She is yelling for her boyfriend angrily, and I have a feeling he cheated on her.

Jumping into the Television?

April 19, 2010

I remember this dream quite vividly. Kind of funny too, that it occurred within five minutes of shutting off the alarm (I dozed off so quickly ...) Also, I obviously incorporated the sound of the news station playing on the tv and various sounds my bf's mom was making as she was getting ready for work (in the same room).

***

I was watching the news with my bf's mom (or, she was at least around as I sensed her presence - not sure if she was also watching) and there was something on about a heavy-set black woman who did something to change the community for the better (or something). As I watched, they showed a scene of her sitting on her front porch playing some kind of patti-cake type game with a bunch of kids. Suddenly, I realized that it was MY old community. I got a little excited, and decided to show her where I used to live (They showed a set of row-homes - they didn't actually show mine, but I knew it was my old street). Just then, I realized that I wasn't watching tv anymore ... we were in the scene! (The ally of the scene, to be exact) I remember feeling very confused - I looked around to see if it was just me, but my bf's mom was also with me. She seemed to have no idea that we weren't at her house (her house is in the country - my old house was in the city ... it was an obvious difference). I saw her pick up a can from across the ally, "I guess Tai must have forgotten a can" she said. She then started walking up these steps that led to a house, assuming it was hers. This is about where I was woken up, abruptly ("Tai, wake up - you must have slept through your alarm!") If I wouldn't have had to wake up, I think I might have become lucid - this was the point where I was starting to realize that too much in the dream was 'off').

Everyone Loves a Nice Rack

April 18, 2010

I was out for drinks with a few random DC's (I guess) and a girl that I used to work with at my very first job (Alessa). I specifically remember the 'lighting' of the dream environment being very dim. I was wearing a black low cut, cleavage-bearing shirt - and I remember feeling rather proud of my developed breasts. I wanted to make sure that Alessa noticed. She DID notice (soon after I hoped for it), and seemed shocked. She said something along the lines of "huh ... where did those come from?!"

***

Irl when Alessa and I worked together, we were only sixteen - she was well developed for her age at the time, while I was definitely more of a late-bloomer. She never really 'took me seriously'- I remember that she constantly treated me as if I were much younger than she was. I think my mind connects this to her being more physically developed, even though it may or may not actually be connected. Anyway, I think the whole 'boob thing' was my mind's attempt at revenge ... *chuckle*

Shrinking Female Figures: a Common Theme

April 17, 2010

I think I was staying over my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend's house, although it looked very similar to where I am currently staying. I was sleeping on the couch, but awoke to Elle (the girlfriend) getting her daughter ready for something. I remember that she was wearing white pants with back pockets that were stitched with black or dark thread, causing them to be extremely noticeable. At that point, I realized that she must have lost some weight ... quite a bit - she looked very good. (I think she's a cute girl irl, but she's a just bit chunky - lol apparently shrinking female figures is a common theme for me! >.< She reminded me of someone from my past -perhaps a girl from a Christian camp I used to go to?) ... but even in the dream I couldn't think of who. I remember feeling satisfied with her weight loss.

***

Note: I used to feel guilty for leaving my ex because of all we went through together - I've been about 95% sure that he was happy in his new relationship, but it had a rough start which caused me to doubt. Basically, that fear didn't do much to ease that guilt - I wanted to know that he was happy. I think her losing weight might have symbolized 'evidence' for that happiness, even though it doesn't make as much sense, irl.

to be Young Again ...

April 14, 2010


I'm at a beach, but I don't think I'm actually present (it's not unusual for me to be simply 'watching' in a dream, rather than actively participating or interacting with DCs). I see Mrs. Kandy (an old friend's mother) looking very young, skinny and tan. I notice that she has a very young-looking hair style too - with thick straight bangs, kind of like a school girl. I find that it flatters her facial structure quite nicely. (She's always looked good for her age, but she looked like she was in her early thirties as opposed to her actual mid-forties. She's also always been slender, but in the dream, she was almost too skinny - but only in certain positions.) I got a closer look (it felt like I was zooming in, as if I had camera-vision or something.) and noticed as she was bending down to pick something up from the sand that I could see every bone in her back. (I remember feeling a bit disturbed by this) Her daughter, Monique enters the scene and Mrs, Kandy giddily exclaims "____ thought that I was you!" (I don't remember the name of the person, if there even was one.) Monique is just laughing at that idea and they are obviously talking and having a good time, but I can't quite make out what they're saying.

***

Though I am unsure of the logic behind some other aspects, I think such emphasis on the fun and laughter shared by the mother and daughter in this scene might be my mind admiring the healthy mother-daughter relationship that I lack irl with my own mother.

Solving the Issue of Guilt

April 13, 2010


I find myself in my grandmother's dining room - apparently, I have stopped by for a random visit. I haven't seen or talked to her in over six years ... I am feeling very nervous, as I am unaware of how she and the rest of my family there will respond to my return*. I nervously look around, scanning the area for any changes. The dining room is just how I left it, which is comforting for some reason. I am now glancing out the sliding door, and notice that the deck is no longer there - in its place is a dark, wooden, spiral staircase. This set up doesn't make sense to me and it's certainly not what I'm used to, but I do realize that a lot can change in six years. I'm walking outside, onto the landing and down the stairs. I see that these stairs lead to a deck that is attached to the swimming pool. Granny has always had a swimming pool, but it used to be out in the yard, much further back than this - it must have been a lot of work to move it. I am looking beyond the yard in an attempt to see if there is anything new where the pool used to be, and to my astonishment, there is a mountain range! Not only were they way too close to be realistic, but there are no mountains in this state - the land is totally flat! The mountains are shaking all of a sudden, and I don't know what to think! They look like they're crumbling and about to fall back into the ground ... (could this have been me close to becoming lucid?)

I am now turned the opposite way, facing my cousin who has just entered the scene. I feel annoyed at her presence, but am not entirely sure why. (I feel like it might have something to do with the fact that she interrupted the mountain scene combined with the fact that she's one of the family members that I want little to do with) I am following her back inside, but am finding myself in the den this time. ('the den' is what my grandmother calls her 'family room', as opposed to the living room which isn't used as casually) I see my Granny over on the couch, and am trying to decide how close I should sit to her. I have this urge to snuggle up to her as I did when I was a child, but should I? Is she mad at me for not keeping in touch? Would it be more appropriate to explain myself first? She deserves to know that it has nothing to do with her personally, and it was the best way I could see at the time to deal with the situation. But ...I don't want to explain myself ... I have a lot to say, but nothing I can say to her, in light of everything else. I just want her to know that despite the way it's seemed, I love and have missed her tremendously. Suddenly, I'm cuddled up next to her, not worried about a thing. She embraces me and tells me that she's missed me.

At some point, characters switched and I am no longer on the couch with Granny. I am still in her den, but on the couch with me is my boyfriend, Pam (a girl who isn't very fond of me IRL) and her boyfriend. I am curious as to why we are all six hours away from home at Granny's house. I'm also starting to feel nervous, as I'm not sure that being around Pam is such a good idea ...

We are now all in the deli where I work. I'm not working though now though, and we all are just hanging out in the far corner by the food service prep table. (IRL, this is where I hide occasionally while on the clock when I need a little, unofficial break ) The guys have vanished into the kitchen, leaving Pam and I alone. I have no idea what to say to her ... but as I am looking at her, I notice that she doesn't look like herself; she's not wearing glasses, her hair is longer and blond, her eyes are a greyish-blue as opposed to their usual hazel-color, and she's wearing make-up. The more I look, the more I see that she's hardly recognizable - but I know it's her because of her ears (I've always found Pam to be attractive, but in the plain and simple sort of way. Her hair is also actually dark, she never wears make-up and always wears her glasses. Also, there's nothing funny about her ears ... but it made perfect sense in the dream!) and who she's dating.

My friend Shelly is also here with us ... I wonder why I didn't notice her before? Was she always there ... or did she just appear? Anyway, Pam is focused on Shelly, but I guess talking to the both of us, technically. She's venting about how the guys are arguing about something in the kitchen, and how ridiculous it is - small talk to pass the time. I'm sure thankful Shelly is here with us, because otherwise, it would be uncomfortable, I think. I wonder if Pam feels the same?

Wait, now where did Shelly go?? I'm feeling uncomfortable again, so I look at Pam and am distracted, once again, by how different she looks. I always thought she was hot in her own way, but I seriously can't stop looking at her now... I'm even feeling slightly jealous. I'm finding myself much closer to her, and am placing my hands on her shoulders, looking her in the eyes ... she seems to be responding positively to this. I am fighting an urge to make-out with her ... I really want to, but that would be inappropriate! What's wrong with me? How would she react? "You are so pretty ...I seriously can't stop looking at you ...", I tell her, with my hands still on her shoulders as I'm backing up slightly, trying to hide the fact that I was just about to kiss her. She seems surprised, and goes on to explain how she thinks I am extremely attractive, and holds up a mirror to my face. I didn't want to look for some reason, but I did anyway, I saw my face in the mirror, which was an odd experience. (I don't think I've ever seen my face in a dream before ...)

***

*Note: IRL, I have chosen to have very little interaction with that side of the family. Despite the solid reasoning behind that decision, I do experience occasional episodes of guilt as a result of having to leave behind a couple of good people along with the bad majority. This dream is likely a way for my mind to solve that issue of guilt.

**It should also be noted that I have always been disappointed with Pam's 'girl-hate' toward me because, that aside, she is someone I've felt that I could easily connect with for various reasons. I think this dream was also a way for my mind to cope with that issue, since I find blind hate to be unfortunate when it's coming from someone I'd otherwise enjoy spending time with.