Friday, October 26, 2012

Boob Envy

I'm with JT and his wife at their house.I think I'm in the kitchen at this point, goofing off with JT. (I don't remember what we were doing). I get the feeling his wife is not pleased with me. Did I do something wrong? I think of offering to babysit for them while they go on a date but decide against it. If she hates me, she probably won't want me getting close with her child.

Now, we're in the living room. JT is sitting on this huge, comfy chair. I am sharing it with him, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that since it really is big enough for two. His wife has gone upstairs to take a shower. I take this opportunity to ask JT point blank, "does your wife hate me?" JT answers "no, she doesn't hate you ... she just doesn't like the effect your boobs have on me." (lol)

She comes downstairs from the bathroom with wet hair and sits down on the couch. She's so gorgeous even right out of the shower! Why is she jealous of me? I think about how hot she looks even with shorter hair (IRL, I prefer long hair on women, with a few exceptions).

I want to flirt with her a little, but I'm worried it won't be well-received. I'm silly with her instead, making some jokes, and she seems to be okay with me. We're getting along and laughing together.

***

IRL, I'm not sure how JT's wife feels about me. I worry that she doesn't like me, which is upsetting since I actually admire her. Wanting to babysit to allow them alone time was an attempt to show that I care about the health of their relationship. This idea has come up IRL too.  'Real life correcting' dreams are a relatively common theme for me and perhaps mentioning them to a friend in conversation yesterday inspired another?

As for the guilty theme, duh. :)  I tend to befriend men more easily than women, though I crave close friendships with women as well. It's just more difficult for me to be open with women, given my 'mommy-issues'. When I feel comfortable enough with a friend of either gender, I tend to be playful which can manifest as flirtatiousness. I rarely mean anything by it, but it has given the wrong impression before, and I do worry about how I am perceived by either the friend or their partner.

I've often been in the situation where I'd made the partner feel unnecessarily threatened and I tend to worry about that sort of thing. I really hate making anyone uncomfortable. I wish we could all get along and be equal friends, hence the dream attempt. However, my nervousness around other women particularly combined with their uncertainty about me often makes this rather difficult. In fantasy, I fix this sort of jealous situation with sex, by exploring the woman in an attempt to show her how amazing she really is, putting all focus on her, and making her the center of attention. I think that is why flirting  with the partner tends to be the initial reponse. Unfortunately, dream guilt often keeps the fantasy from playing out! >.<

As for the boob line ... I was thinking about how much of a boob-man A is before going to sleep.  Perhaps that had something to do with it. lol

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Strange Hotel

My parents and brothers are visiting and staying in a strange hotel outside of PJ, NY. I am thinking that they probably chose to stay outside of PJ because of my comparing it to DK, MD. I had mentioned the surrounding towns being a bit nicer.

The hotel is very high up. There is a creaky set of old, wooden stairs you have to climb in order to get to the room. Walking up the stairs, I notice that there is no railing on the tiny porch that leads to the door. How is this safe?! There is a flimsy bar that runs across the side, but it is too high up (about chin length for me) to prevent a fall. You'd have to grab onto it if you were to lose your balance, and swing your body back onto the porch. We are as high as the tree tops. This is not safe. I'm worried for my mom especially. I think of how she's fallen before.

Suddenly, my mom is shaking the bar aggressively. What is she thinking?! She stops, and reassures me that it is indeed sturdy.

Now, we're inside the 'hotel room'. It think it's actually a tree house. The walls are made with unfinished wood. The rooms are long and narrow, like the rooms in my grandmother's old house. The old fashioned, flowery style even reminds me of my grandmother.

Now, I'm outside. I catch a glimpse of what seems to be an alley. Am I in OC?

I'm following my cousin C around, outside somewhere. I'm worried that she will embarrass herself. I guess we're at a park because I'm watching her walk up to a tube slide. She gets stuck inside, but is able to free herself. She's laughing it off.

***

Since my partner and I are moving into our first apartment soon, to a new state, I've been thinking about where my parents will stay when they come up to visit. They were pretty attached to the quaint mountain town we live in currently in. We're moving to the city, which we be less of a 'break' from the city life they live. PJ is a city not to far from where I currently reside, which, when they came up this way to visit for the first time, I told them to avoid, hence the reference.

Dream Moods suggests an unstable railing to possibly represent a need for support/assistance in some area. Rooms can, supposedly, represent hidden aspects of the subconscious mind. This particular room being familiar, cozy, and quaint could be telling. Embracing what's familiar, perhaps, due to a fear of change? Dreaming of a tree-house can apparently be indicative of a desire to 'escape' harsh realities. The alley seen could possibly indicate a feeling of missed opportunity or a sense of limited options. Given what's been on my mind lately, it certainly makes sense.

I think about my cousin from time to time, given that we were once so close and that I rarely hear from her other than in scattered facebook updates now. I think of our childhood together, from time to time, and wonder if she's ever overcome the self-esteem issues she'd always struggled with.These memories could have inspired the slide scene.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Idk what to call this

S&T are visiting the country. I think we (A and I) are meeting them at the airport. (I don't remember details, but it felt like an airport) When we greet them, I comment about how lucky they are to have such long vacation time.

Next thing I know, we are all at N&P's house. T and A are goofing off in P's office. I know they are just fooling around, but I perceive T to be sensitive and I worry that A may push it. This situation makes me very nervous.

Next thing I know, T comes to me, play crying, because A ripped the corner of his book cover. I glare at A and playfully scold him, "why did you do that?!" I hope this isn't the result of a conversation I thought might occur.

I am now in the hall with S. She makes a comment about a N's dog (I don't remember the comment, something about it being cute?) and I want to say something about how 'spirited' the eyes are (it made sense at the time). I didn't because, for some reason, I thought it might offend her (again, it made sense at the time).

Now, I am downstairs looking for alcohol to offer S&T. In particular, I'm looking for my Mike's hard lemon-aid stash (this should have struck me as odd, considering we are at N&P's). I spot empty bottles that look like mine in the magazine holder of the recliner. Did somebody seriously drink all of MY stuff?? As I zoom in to take a closer look, I see that it's beer; not mine.

Now I'm in the 'green room' where S,T, and A are watching a movie. I wish I had the drinks.

***
Nothing really interesting to analyze here, just a myriad of anxieties getting the better of me. FUCK YOU, DREAM NERVES!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Blonde Cousin, Y U No Red? (Derp)

I'm at what seems to be a wedding with K. (The room we walk into looks a bit like the reception area of the place where F&K married IRL). I remember that K had received a flirty text from his cousin (which didn't didn't strike me as odd) a little while ago. We find her at a table, she greets us. She looks older than I thought she was. She's blonde ... but I thought she was a red-head?

***

I was thinking about K as I laid down to sleep, so his appearance in the dream segment is no shock. I was recently reminded of his rather attractive cousin via facebook. 

I've been noticing everyone dying their hair darker/redder for the fall season, which makes me happy (Gentlemen may prefer blondes but Bee prefers those fiery reds!) Perhaps that thought triggered the blonde confusion.


I'm a bit rusty on recall, as I haven't recorded my dreams in over a year (not counting the three most recent posts, of course.) I'm only able to remember small segments lately. I aim to improve. Once my partner and I move into our new apartment, I will be out of work for a bit. I plan to take advantage of the more flexible sleeping schedule until something else comes along. That should help in getting back on track! ^_^

Monday, October 15, 2012

Ass Grab

I am in a dim room full of people. I feel like it is full of people, anyway. I think it's some sort of a party. (It reminds me of a room in the D-hue's church with elements of the funeral home where A's uncle's funeral was held). I see a fireplace on the wall in front of me. There is a banquet table in front of the fireplace and a woman sitting at the end. She looks antsy. She's wearing an old-fashioned dress, like something the women on Bonanza wear ... I wonder why? I have a weird feeling about her. I'm not sure what to expect.

I am walking toward her, expecting something to happen. I don't know what. As I walk passed, she grabs my ass. I look back at her and grin. I want to show her that it was welcome and for some reason the smile doesn't feel like enough, so I stick my tongue out and wink, anime style. (lol)


***

I have been feeling very socially anxious lately, for some reason, while also simultaneously wanting deeper connections with others. I've also been craving drunken lesbian play-time. o_^

A's mom watches "Bonanza" daily so, unfortunately, some stuff from it gets in my head. At least it was only the dress this time!

As for the room's resemblance to the funeral home/church room ... my contact with those friends on facebook likely triggered the memory.

As for the wink ... too much anime before bedtime, lol.


GOAL: Start setting three alarms again throughout the night for better recall.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Fear of Change

I'm looking out the window of my house. The view is better than I ever noticed before. A brick path that goes in a circle around a garden is in plain site. I assume it's M-town. It looks more like something from a college campus. Has this always been here? 

Now, I'm in the bathroom. (It resembles an old friend, C's, bathroom). I'm looking out the window and I see what seems like a waterfall. Am I this deep in the woods? How did I not appreciate this before? At second glance, I realize it's just a swimming pool with a realistic waterfall (We don't have a pool IRL. We do live in the woods, but in a community - not as secluded as this). The view is still beautiful.

***

My partner and I are moving to a new city soon. Many changes are ahead. Some I am aware of. Then there is this sense that there are changes that I can't predict. Change is scary, and while I was excited (and am still, on some levels) this fear is emerging because everything is becoming real. I'm sure these emotions are what inspired the appreciation of the current beauty that's slipping away. Of course, the dream beauty was largely exaggerated but the sentiment is the same.

College is also ahead, which may have inspired the campus-esque view of the front yard. As for the waterfalls, we do have them nearby, but not literally in my backyard. This is a beautiful area and I never really took advantage of it.

I think about C from time to time, since we are still friends on facebook. We are no longer close and have gone our separate ways in reality. I cherish some of our memories though and random facebook statuses bring some of them to mind.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

the Coffee Quest

I'm on vacation with my parents in some sort of motel. I realize there is no coffeemaker in the room. My dad tells me that I have to walk outside to get to the coffee. My mom mentions it not being like the M. Country Motel. I think she is insinuating that it will be a longer walk. I remember the M. Motel ... the coffee was in the main cottage (a two minute walk).

I am now outside in what seems like a back alley. I pass a few strange shops - one of which seems mystical in nature (I can't remember the details). I'm suddenly feeling very anti-social. It's a little crowded. I'm thinking someone is going to try hitting on me and I'm really not in the mood. I just want coffee.

I'm at the end of a road leading to a main road where a 'parade' (I think?) is going on. I see T.W. helping with what looks like a float? Maybe it's something to do with 'the coffee house' (an evangelism outreach program my former church did and still does)? I ask her if she knows where I can find coffee. She points me in a direction, but she's not making sense. I continue walking.

I'm back at the motel, never having found it. My stomach hurts. I contribute this to the lack of coffee.

***

I got an e-mail from my mom after not having heard from her since they visited in December (when we stayed in the the M. Motel together) I tend to worry, when I don't hear from her, that she has somehow found out about my atheism and wants nothing to do with me all over again (we're only on good terms as of recently after six years of little to no communication). Thinking about their past visit is likely what inspired the setting.

I often feel anti-social at work when it comes to customers. I have days that I am fine making conversation and then days where everything from eye contact to explanations of a product make me nervous. I am always pleasant (for the most part) and rarely let these tendencies affect my happy facade, but they are there none-the-less. The nervousness in the dream came about the same way it does at work or any other time IRL - randomly and/or for silly reasons.

Facebook status updates about the coffee house (since I am still friends with some people from that church) probably influenced T.W.'s appearance and the coffee house. Perhaps my need for coffee triggered a memory of the most recent mention of the word?

Lack of coffee doesn't actually make my stomach hurt, but it does help keep me regular. When I don't have coffee, it does throw me off ... :-p I did wake up with an actual stomach ache, though. I also made myself a nice cup of coffee! ^_-

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Rekindle the Flame (Tease)

I'm catching up with an old friend, J in some sort of casual dining area. It seems like an outdoor cafe. There is a stone patio and our table has an umbrella over top of it. She insists on paying, which makes me comfortable. She then suggests seeing a movie (I think it was a movie - this is a fuzzy detail) and plans to pay. At this point, she's at the bottom of the stone steps that lead off of the patio, while I am reluctantly waiting at the top. I can't afford the movie, but her generosity makes me uneasy. I feel as though I do not deserve her kindness. It's like old times. She's talking and laughing like nothing happened. For me, it's bittersweet. I am happy to reconnect with her but worried that it can't last.

***
I've been thinking about this old friend lately. She was one of the best I'd ever had. Sometimes, I wish we were still friends but given the fact that we bonded over our religosity and I am now an atheist, I don't think it could ever be the same. Not to mention, I left her out of that gradual transition completely, for the fear of being judged, which was painful for her. Even if she would of judged, it was unfair of me to not at least give her the chance to be apart of my life. It's a little too late at this point to fix and I am mostly at peace with the situation, but obviously my sub conscience still has a bit to say, hence the guilty tone.

It should also be noted that I'd always admired this friend for a number of reasons, but in this case, her intelligence. I'd always felt below her in that regard, and to seeing how far she's gone with school via facebook status updates while I've had to put higher learning off due to lack of finances makes me feel unsuccessful. I think that explains much of the uneasiness of this dream.


-- Goals --

for more pleasant dreams: Kick negative thoughts out of my mind the moment they appear. I need to get out of the habit of comparing myself with others in waking life. I also need to do the same with thoughts connected to the past.

☆ for lucidity: Get back into the habit of questioning reality in waking life.