this post is full of shit ...

I am standing in Az's living room in front of the couch, and I see that he has fallen asleep with DJ (my ex's baby nephew) cuddled up to him. Az is kind of lying on his side while DJ is sprawled out against his stomach and legs. It's a cute sight to see, but I worry that Az may accidentally roll over onto Deej, so I need to pick him up off the couch. I realize that Az is kind of crushing him from the waist down ... how did I not notice that before? Did it just happen?

Now, I see that he doesn't even have a diaper on. The little punk must've taken it off. I smell something awful, but I don't see poop anywhere. I ask Az to get up, which he does, and sure enough, the poop falls off of the leg of his pants - gross. I realize that I also have a smudge on my new robe ... I guess from when I moved DJ from the couch. Man, I just washed this thing last night!

I switch into my old, ratty robe for now and realize that there is also poop on this one. (wft??) Why haven't I cleaned up the mess on the floor/couch yet? I need to put a new blanket on the couch and clean up the floor in the living room. (for some reason I didn't even think to clean up DJ and put a new diaper on him. In fact, I don't even know where he went).

Az hasn't even changed into some clean pants. I'm annoyed because he doesn't even care - he's just going to stay in them.

I still haven't cleaned up the messes. I need to get on that. Why do I keep procrastinating?

I'm over by the bathroom, I think to get a towel. There are some big, new, fancy white shelves where the closet used to be. There are new rags and towels, a variety of sizes and colors (yellow, blue and pink, all extremely vivid, stand out the most in my memory) folded nicely on almost every shelf. I guess this is what Az's mother has been doing while she had the house to herself. When did she buy all these new towels? I find it odd that it seems as though there is only a towel for each shelf - I think they could all fit in a couple so that the other shelves could be used for other things.

Something else happens here, but I've lost the details. I think it involves talking to a stranger who is for some reason in the house, by the new shelves.

Another distraction. I still have poop to clean up. ugh!

***

I'm not sure that I'll ever want kids (not any time soon, at least) but every once in a while, I will daydream about it; especially right after having been around children or talking with mother/father friends about their children. (I have this fear that I will not make a good mother which fuels in me a strong desire to be known as a good mother, hence the desire to dream up 'test' scenarios.) That's been the case, lately. On the way home from our road trip, my mind was bored, and at some point, I began imagining different scenes where I placed myself in different motherly positions - whether as an actual mother or simply babysitting. Certain aspects of those daydreams did appear in the dream.

I have not seen DJ in a long time since I am no longer with my ex, but I remember how good my ex was with him before he had a son of his own; I was thinking about it the other day when he sent me a video of his son laughing hysterically. This is probably the reason for DJ's appearance. Sometimes, I try and imagine how Az would be as a father (as I did at the xmas party with his family), which likely inspired the babysitting theme.

I got Az's mother new towels for xmas, so that might have something to do with the towels on the new shelves. I bought her beige towels because that's what matched the bathroom best, but I secretly wanted to buy the brightly colored ones. ;)

Az's mother was also planning to clean the house while everyone was gone for the day, so I wondered if there would be a huge difference by the time we got home. This may have inspired bright new shelves thing.

My annoyance with Az for not changing his pants may have something to do with the fact that he doesn't always change into clean clothes when I would (like after he'd been under his car changing his oil). It has never annoyed me irl but I do think about it for a brief moment ("he's not going to change? silly boys ... I would feel like I had to"), but perhaps it does on some level, and is one of those things that will surface once we've been together for a bit longer ... ;)

I've been feeling guilty because I've been using the holidays as an excuse to neglect my math, so perhaps that has something to do with the procrastination anxiety.

I had to wash my new robe because I wore it while I was sick this week- I felt like it must be full of germs. Yesterday, I had to wash it again because I got it dirty. I was a little annoyed because I didn't want to wear the old one - it's not as warm, soft and fuzzy. ;)

As for the shit ...

I don't feel like analyzing that one. :)

a Deli Snooze

I've lost many details of this one, but the latest scene I can recall: I am standing in the middle of the deli, broom in hand, getting ready to sweep when I look up and notice that someone is trying to get my attention from across the aisle, on the other side of the counter. It turns out to be the cute brunette (although she's tried every hair color, which in itself is somehow arousing to me?) from produce, and she has apparently been standing there for quite a few minutes now. She waved, giving me a look that I translated to, "finally you notice!" I think she just wanted to say good-bye (I guess her shift is over), since she literally just waved and then set off for the next aisle that leads to the front doors.

Next scene I can recall: I am lying on the prep table in the deli; apparently, I've fallen asleep here. I look over (the prep table is located behind the deli counter, and off to the side where customers don't usually notice immediately) and notice that there is a man, who somewhat resembles 'Borat', waiting to place an order. I don't know how long he's been standing there, or how long I've even been sleeping, but I jump up, and try to play it off. It's too late though - he already knows that I had fallen asleep. He's not angry at all though -- in fact, he seems thoroughly amused. I don't remember him commenting, but I do remember his smile and the sight of his laughter (I couldn't really hear anything).

As I walk toward the center of the deli (where we usually greet the customers, since there is so much crap on the counter to the far left and right), I think of how messy my hair seems to be. Ugh, how embarrassing. For some reason, I just can't open my eyes enough - it's too bright. I'm trying to, but I can't see well. This is so frustrating ...

***

I do not know the girl in produce, but Az's brother dated her for a short time, so I am aware of her bi-sexuality. Before I knew that about her, my ex worked in produce with her, so I'd noticed her even then; she definitely fit my idea of cute. Becoming aware of her bi-sexuality however has led me to wonder whether her smiles are polite or something a little more. ^_^

The other day, she needed the mop as I was putting it away. We exchanged friendly glaces and said hello, which probably opened the schema associated with my curiosity of her, inspiring the dream situation.

My eyes are actually very sensitive to light (too much exposure to florescent lighting gives me a slight headache). I've never had trouble seeing at work, but the light does affect me negatively.

Dream Moods suggests that my lack of sight could signify difficulties and/or errors in judgment.

the Math Test

I've just completed a spare math test that was printed up with a number of other tests and quizzes by Az's mother for her students (she is a teacher, irl, and because I am trying to prepare myself for college, she lets me use some of her materials to practice with). I don't think I am actually one of her students in the dream, even though she is treating me as if I am (irl Az is my tutor, when I need one). I realize that she is grading my work, which is a little awkward for me considering that a) Az usually does it and b) I'm always afraid that his mom is judging me; in this case, that she'd think I was stupid (she's a sweet lady irl; I just have mommy-issues.)

I am confident that I did well on the test, so lack of skill has nothing to do with the anxiety. I've been working on this stuff for weeks. I see her shaking her head though, as she grades. There is almost a look of disgust on her face and, even though she thinks I can't hear her, she is mumbling something under her breath. I can't make it out, but who mumbles anything good under their breath? Does she think I'm like one of her dumb students? (she works with troubled kids; she is not a mean person, and does not throw that word around; she is very encouraging. Most of the kids in her class struggle, but that's that the issue. She deals with a lot of know-it-alls that don't want to learn and live under the delusion they can go far in life without passing high-school; these are the kids she rants about. Clearly, I wouldn't fit into that category, but my fears are rarely rational.)

I don't remember her handing it to me, but next thing I know, I have the graded test in my hands. I see that there is a giant, red 'F' on it. I am confused, among other things. I knew this stuff. Did I spend all that time learning it wrong?

***

As excited as I am to finally go to college next year (I've wanted to for such a long time, but family issues, lack of money, lack of time, etc all got in the way) I am also scared to death. It's all connected to fear of a new situation and my lack of confidence, which are things that I struggle with on a daily basis. (Gotta beat those!! >.<)

As for my mommy-issues .... yea, they gotta go too. It's been confirmed time and time again that the majority of women I've come to know are nothing like my mother.

Grrr, this is crap! I'll be aiming for sex dream next time, so wish me luck and stay tuned!

This is a Dream! Oops ... is it Not?

Az and I are sitting up on a queen-sized bed, he on the edge closest to the center of the room while I am in the center of the bed cuddled up next to him. I realize that I do not know exactly where we are, and it occurs to me it looks like a motel room. Why am I in a motel - I don't remember traveling? Things are a little suspicious, and I figure that I must be dreaming.

Suddenly, there is another man on our bed next to me, relaxing on the side closest to the door and window (I am snuggling up to Az, who is still on my other side). His face is completely blurred, but I can see his long, light brown, mangled hair, scruffy beard growing in, and an ear piercing clearly. Even though I'd never met him in person and have never seen a picture, I am somehow certain that this is a particular online friend of mine.

I don't think it was the case moments ago, but at this point, the friend and I are conveniently under the covers. I slip my hand under sheets, reaching for his waist, and slip my hand down his pants to feel whether or not he is erect. I feel that he is, and slip my hand back out, I slide back over to my boyfriend, and look up at him. He seems oblivious to the situation.

I have an urge to pounce on my friend, but I'd want to know first that Az is okay with it. Then I recall: this is only a dream! I scoot over, closer to my friend, practically on top of him and nibble on his lower lip. At this point, I hope it's a dream, but wonder if perhaps I'd misjudged it.

I crawl back over to Az and, looking up at him, notice an interesting expression. It's certainly not anger, but I can't exactly read it. It's almost the playful "you're such a punk" look that he gives me so often. :)

***

It should be noted that I love my boyfriend and thoroughly enjoy our sex life together. It is also true that I have fantasies of others joining in our special time. ;) My boyfriend is not down irl, and that is cool with me. My mind still likes to have its own way. ;)

The theme was likely inspired by a 'motel fantasy' mentioned in a conversation between the online friend and I.

Redhead Lust ... and wtf?

I'm in the deli's walk-in cooler at work, either to cool off or put something away when Kami, the department manager, walks in with someone important (someone from corporate maybe?). I don't know what this is about or why she is here, but it is a little claustrophobic in that cooler with three people, so I plan to get what I need and get out. (I try to avoid talking to the higher ups anyway, if at all possible - they make me so nervous, even though they're usually a joke!)

From the corner of my eye, I can tell that she is looking in my direction, and rather frequently. This is nerve wracking, since I assume it must be about something I'm doing wrong or possibly that she plans on talking to me about something eventually. Unable anymore to avoid her glances, I finally look her way. I had noticed that she was hot previously, but being nervous, I was less focused on that. Now I realize, in full detail just how attracted I actually am to her. Trying to be discrete, I check her out at every chance I get.

Her hair is such a rich shade of red ... and long, too! So long in fact, that even as it is tied back into a ponytail, it still reaches her lower back. She has the perfect hair type to have long like that, too - thick and full of body. As much as I love long hair on women, due to it's fine texture, I have to keep mine only a bit below my shoulders. I guess I am a little envious!

She also has an amazing body! Wearing a modest, grey dress suit, her curves still manage to announce their presence. She's tall and lean (much taller than me, although that's not hard to do!) I don't remember much about her face, but her overall appearance combined with the strong, confident air about her made me think of Laura Croft, redhead version!

She doesn't say anything to me, just keeps looking my way, not even trying to hide it. At this point, I don't care if she notices me doing the same. Her face looks so serious every time, which is puzzling. I smile uncomfortably, while I wait to see what the point of this is. Kami has been talking to her the entire time, and she's done a mixture of listening and talking (going through the motions) sometimes, while looking directly at me (weird).

Suddenly, she has Kami leave the cooler. I'm not sure why, but it seems to be understood that she needs to have a private word with the 'sandwich specialist' ;). When the cooler door clicks shut, she doesn't waste a minute before she pounces on me!

She's really going at it - feeling me up, kissing my neck. I certainly don't resist, but it takes me a bit of warming up before I accept the situation enough to express my own desires. I don't remember the details of the transition, but at some point I am fiercely groping her, noting that her breasts are about my size, and biting her lip. To this she stops me briefly to exclaim with a smirk, "Oh, so you are a lesbian?!" At this point, I am wanting to explain that while I have bisexual urges, that I do have a boyfriend. I worry that if she thinks I am lesbian, she might assume I am single and hope for something more serious. I however push these thoughts aside, to enjoy the moment.

Somehow, we are now swimming in a swimming pool together (This is where the details get fuzzy). I don't remember as much here, but we are enjoying ourselves, just swimming, and flirting. The only thing I remember vividly is the touching ... especially rubbing up on her smooth, wet body with mine. At this point, I mention being bisexual and having a boyfriend - she doesn't seem to mind. In fact, I think he shows up at some point to say hello (I vaguely remember him appearing briefly, giving me an smirk that I took to mean, "I want you to give me all the details when you get home, punk!").

Now we are on one seems to be a small cliff, the pool is beneath us, but it looks more like a lake now. (was it always a lake? I was so sure it was a swimming pool?) There is a chubby, blond girl off in the distance who seems to be watching us - I get the impression that she's jealous of me. Is she perhaps a girlfriend/sex partner of my new redhead friend?

Now, this is where it gets a little creepy: I now see a little blond boy (four of five years old) sitting on the edge of the cliff - he looks a little out of it. Suddenly, the jealous, blond girl appears behind him and pushes him off the cliff! At this point, it's hardly a cliff (luckily!) ... we are much closer to the water than we were at first ... in fact, it's now more like a rock over water than an actual cliff. I dive in to save him, and pull him back onto the rock.

***

Sunday School Atheist

I am in Sunday School (or youth group?) with an old acquaintance, Melissa, whom I definitely do not know from church irl. The Sunday School teacher is Mr. Tahmores, my mother's former home-schooling supervisor irl. I was never too fond of him - he seemed like all the other pompous, religious asses that I've been more than familiar with for most of my life.

He was teaching a lesson, but I was not paying attention. Instead, Melissa and I were off in a corner, discussing a passage from the Bible that was apparently evidence of a biblical flaw. I was pointing it out to her - since she seems so interested, I end up spending the remainder of class explaining it to her.

By the end of the lesson, Mr. Tahmores seems to have noticed, at some point, that we were not paying attention to his lesson. He doesn't seem angry, however, which seems odd to me until I realize what he's up to.

Somehow, I come to realize that he doesn't know I am an atheist but is slightly aware that I have 'doubts' when it comes to Christianity. He arrogantly assumes that I am 'confused' about a certain passage and that that is what I was discussing with Melissa. He sees this as the perfect opportunity to 'clear up a doubt', which is why he, rather than angrily, 'giddily', seems to be getting off on this.

"Which passage are you two interested in, Tai?" I absolutely hate that stupid, egotistical twinkle in his eye. "I'd rather not say." He keeps urging me to tell him, using various Christianese comfort phrases to help me feel 'safe' enough to 'open up', but I continue to refuse: "No, it'd be better if I didn't."

Strange Bathroom

I am in the Wise bathroom, but it is very strange; there are no longer any stalls, and the toilets seem to be sitting on what looks like a giant, inflatable mattress (I remember it being red, and to me, slightly resembling the base of a moon bounce). There are two or three toilets (although, they do not look like regular toilets - they seem to be 'holes', with cloth around the edges, making a 'seat') and there is no privacy - the 'toilets' are all next to each other, in a row.

I don't know what the hell is going on here, but I am not comfortable with it. First of all, is this even sanitary? I wonder if this is 'punishment' to the customers for constantly making disgusting messes in here. Couldn't they make an even more disgusting mess in this type of setting, though?

Secondly, I need my privacy. There's is no way I am okay with anyone coming in here, watching what I do. I don't have to go to the bathroom, but I'd just like to freshen up. Usually, I do this in a stall - but I guess for now I'll just try and go to the bathroom, and freshen up at the same time - hopefully I'll have a few moments of peace before someone else comes in. I take out my mirror to fix my eyeliner as I sit on the toilet, and a little girl walks in with her mother, "Oh, what are you doing?" (I really hate when people watch me do my make-up; I also hate being bothered in the bathroom, in general.) - Annoying!

***

I am aware that bathroom dreams generally have to do with privacy frustrations in waking life, and that certainly applies in my current situation. They can also have to do with a need to vent certain emotions, while holding it in due to a fear of criticism for it, which also applies. Sometimes I feel that the bathroom is the one place I can relax (both at work and home), so to think of that one privacy being taken away would certainly be frustrating!

Blessing in Disguise

I'm in a certain bedroom (it doesn't look familiar) - I ran up here because I am upset/angry over something. Suddenly, Hiro drops in and sees that I am upset. I want to vent, but he leaves so quickly. At first, there is irritation covering the pain I feel because of what seems to be a lack of concern. Suddenly though, I am appreciative - isn't this what I wanted? This is evidence that he truly has moved on and has more important concerns than me. :)

***

Lately, I've been missing my ex. It's not that I miss being with him; Az is a much better match for me on so many levels. I do, however, miss the frequent contact - being updated on his life and reassured that he's doing well. He was my first and I care(d) about him very much; it was almost a maternal kind of care. (Odd - yes, I know!) I hear from him less and less, and while I wonder how he's been, I know that the lack of contact is a good thing.

Out for a Jog

Az and I are jogging up the main road of our community. As we are approaching the mailboxes, I see Wendy from a distance; I know it's her mostly because of her legs (for some reason, they were very distinguishing in the dream "I'd know those legs anywhere" - strange.) but also because I notice that Dick and their daughter, Bryn, are jogging beside her.

I ask Az to slow down a bit - I don't want to catch up to them. Just as I am hoping Bryn doesn't happen to notice me, I hear "mommy, I see Tai!", a little too close for comfort. As I look to my left to complain to Az, he is already gone; he must have escaped, leaving me to deal the awkwardness - bastard! ;) She runs toward me, we small-talk for a bit, and then she runs back up to Wendy. I am thankful that she didn't have any awkward questions or comments for me. It was odd - she was so casual and nonchalant about everything where she is usually miserable and overly dramatic.

Suddenly, I notice that Dick is jogging beside me; I am instantly pissed. I think he is trying catch up with me in his usual pathetic flirting style, where he obviously thinks that I MUST be into him, while blatantly oblivious of the body language that so obviously proves that I'd love nothing more than for lightening to come crashing of the sky, just to strike him ... >:)~

***

I don't know if this is a separate dream, but I assume it's connected, since I am still walking around the same community.

I am walking down a road - it seems like one in my community because of the hills, but the scenery is much more open, with less trees. The landscape more closely resembles what I've seen while visiting family down south than anything I've become familiar with, living up here.

I'm walking uphill. As I'm getting closer to the top, I realize that there is a blond girl ahead of me - I don't know her, but I guess she is a bit younger than me ... probably in her late teens. She is attractive from behind, but I try not to think that way, since she could be really young.

As I am catching up to her (not deliberately - she has just slowed down a lot while I've been going a steady pace), she has apparently been unaware of me, as my presence seems to have startled her. She gasped, and then stopped for a breather, bent over slightly with her hands on her knees, "God, you scared me!" she exclaims. I chuckle, and playfully apologize.

It now seems that we are good friends, as we are walking together to some random house - neither one of us knows whose house it is, but we decide it would be a good idea to knock on the door and introduce ourselves. At this point, I am noticing that this girl reminds me of a cool chick named Melissa that I used to work with who was also a little younger than me. As we approach the screen door, my little brother is somehow there with us - I get the impression he's only there because he thinks my new friend is hot.

I knock on the door; since it's a screen door, and the main door is open, and I can see inside. After the knock, a middle-aged woman rises from what seems like a hot tub, directly in front of us less than 10 feet from the door. She is coming out to answer in nothing but a bathing suit, which is just kind of awkward; it feels like we are interrupting.

She lets us in, and shows us to the living room, where her sons (I assume that's who they are) are all on computers, fully focused on whatever it is they're doing. She lets them know we are there, but they couldn't care less; one even gave us a slight attitude. Suddenly, I feel really stupid and question why we came in the first place; it seems like such a silly idea now. Oh, well. :)

This One Almost Made Me Late for Work!

I am in our living room, present, but not really participating in the conversation going on. Az's cousin, Belle, has stopped by for a visit. I recall hearing that she's entered a couple beauty pageants, and won some money being one of the runner ups. I am thinking about how I also heard that she cried over not winning - which I think is silly. If it were me, I'd rather not win .... take the money and run, is more like it! ;)

I am watching her from across the living room as she walks over to the dishwasher and back. She is very pretty - I notice her long, tan legs and big, dark, full hair, sparkling brown eyes, and her gorgeous smile. I compare her to myself and decide that, even though I do find myself attractive as well, she definitely fits the 'pageant' category where I do not (lol - I consider myself to be in 'porn-star category' - or maybe something more 'cutesy' ... but not a 'super model' or an 'American beauty). She's quite ditzy as well, and very happy all the time ... so even the personality fits. :)

At some point, Az and I are getting ready to leave for work, but Az says something that makes it seem as though we may not have to go in. I am confused by this, and insist that there is no reason we wouldn't have to. At some point, I hear my cell phone ringing but for some reason, I assume it's the house phone.(which is odd, considering the rings are totally different.)

We are now in a car(although, we are both passengers, which is odd, considering he usually drives) but I am not sure who is driving - I think it's his mom. I assume she is dropping us off at work, but then I notice that it is snowing heavily outside (maybe that is what Az meant as to why we might not have to go in? Why is it snowing in the summer, though?)

As the weather calms down, we arrive at our destination, which is my parent's house (Why are we HERE?) Az seems to walk in like it's no big deal, but I am trying to figure out how we got so far from home in what seems like a few minutes.(For some reason I didn't question the oddness of freely walking into my parents house when I haven't seen them in years.)

***

While I was half awake that morning, I overheard a conversation between Az's mom and brother about Belle (her beauty pageants and crying), which helped to produce some of the dream details. I must have dozed back off soon after that because the phone I heard in the dream was actually the alarm on my cell going off, irl Since the dream justified ignoring it in my mind, I was almost late for work! >.<

Deli Encounter :)

I'm behind the deli counter, trying to get away with not serving the next customer by making my way to the back area, when the next customer, a younger woman, makes a sarcastic comment. I play it off and resist the urge to snap at her for being so rude, when I realize that she is Colie, Hiro's little sister. I am surprised at how her face has cleared up ... and she's lost quite a bit of weight (the last time I saw her was right after she gave birth to her second child).

It's been a long time, and I am happy to see her - I assume that Mara (her mother) is around also, which makes me a little nervous. I'd like to see her as well and chat for a bit, but I am worried that she will make negative comments about my no longer being with her son (she's the type to say what she wants despite the feelings of others, and she's known to start drama for the hell of it).

For some reason, there is a couch over by the cheese island, which seems to be shifted further to the right (on the other side of the sandwich case) as opposed to real life, where it is in between the sandwich case and the Italian case. It is kind of 'secluded' somehow (or at least it seems that way, even though it shouldn't?), and next thing I know, I am on the couch catching up with Mara (I think Colie is looking around the store at certain points; otherwise, she's sitting there with us, just listening.)

Surprisingly, Mara doesn't have anything negative to say pertaining to Hiro and I. I think she was talking shit about other people, but that is to be expected. :) I don't remember exactly what was shared, bit they were typical Mara rants.

At some points, Jovianne (the FS leader) pops in, I suppose to fix the cheese island. At one point, I was laying on the couch with my feet on the island, and she snapped at me to get them off (She's usually very happy and perky, but she gets in her moods ...) I vaguely remember Joel(the store manager) looking in our direction at certain points. I feel like he is 'watching' me, but am not bothered by it at all. For some reason however, I get the feeling that I am doing something wrong or that I will get in trouble for associating with Mara. (??)

***

Writing on the Wall!

I'm sitting on the floor, looking at the door frame of Az's mother's bedroom. In the dream, the door frame is white (although, it is brown irl) and there is a picture of a cat's face that seems to have been drawn towards the bottom of it in black sharpie. I don't remember doing it, but I know it was me ... and get the feeling that it was done only moments ago. Why do I always do this? (ref. I had a habit of writing on walls, or various other surfaces, as a child. As I got older, I would find that, with a writing utensil nearby, while my mind was preoccupied with something else and if my left hand was free (ex. while on the telephone), I'd write on things (the receiver, the night stand, etc) without even realizing.) Panicking, as I don't want Az's mother to find it (what would she think?!), I begin thinking of ways to cover it up ... (I wonder if there's any leftover white paint in the house?)

***

Could that new sharpie commercial have opened my 'sharpie schema' (likely connected to my love of writing on anything and everything, with sharpies especially! *grins giddily*) As lame as it was (the commercial >.<), I found it quite enjoyable!

It should be noted that I am naturally nervous around Az's mom, irl. There is no 'good' reason for it, as she is obviously a nice lady, but aspects of her personality/lifestyle remind me too much of my own mother's which leads to an irrational fear of being 'disliked' or constantly judged by her.

While rarely are they 'nightmares', my dreams sure are never fully pleasant! Clearly, I worry WAYYY too much! I must rid my mind of all this crap!

She Loves Me Not ... She Loves Me? o_0

I am in the basement of my parent's house (quite an an odd setting, for me - but I think, in the dream, it's where I live). First thing I can recall is laying on the pull-out sofa bed that is against the wall where a bookcase used to be (at least, the last time I was there) with Eadoin and a friend (I'm not sure if she is more Eadoin's friend or mine, but I am uneasy around them both).

At some point, it seems as though Eadoin and Rook are back together as a couple (irl, they broke up a while ago, and she has long since moved on). I get the idea that since Eadoin is willing to give Rook another chance, that she is also willing to give me another chance (irl, I assume that she blames and strongly dislikes me for her idea of what went wrong in their relationship). There is a scene I can recall where they are kissing, which is mostly what gives me the impression that they are back together.

On the sofa-bed, we are talking and goofing around. Her personality seems more like my cousin, Moxie's, but then again, Eadoin was always rather timid and reserved around me. Her drunken personality was however, similar to Moxie's actual personality, which could be where the connection was drawn. I find myself wishing I could feel safe enough to truly express myself, but it's difficult. I think it's because I am wary of the situation in general - why is she okay with me all of a sudden? Why is she so 'free' around me?

As I catch a few glimpses of her, I notice that she has slight tan lines on her back, but that her legs are still very pale. With this, I wonder if perhaps being tan in the summer is not as important to her as it is to me. In another scene, where she is walking by the deli with Rook, I notice that she looks wider from the back than she used to - it seems like she has gained some weight. (A fellow co-worker has put on a lot of weight as of recently, which has been disappointing to me, considering she was once very attractive. Because this coworker has always slightly resembled Eadoine in my mind, perhaps I projected this onto her?)

Back on the sofa-bed, I think of asking if everything is really okay (with our situation) for reassurance, but decide against it. I also think of asking what went wrong in the relationship she seems to have broke off in order to go back to Rook, but figure it's not my place. I think at this point, I am trying to 'be free' in the only way I know how... so, I playfully plant a kiss on her mouth, biting her lower lip, hoping to initiate some action ^_-. She smiles and giggles, but backs away, seeming a little uncomfortable with that sort of thing.

At this point, I realize that I had shut the basement door (since I had sexual thoughts at the time, I remembered where I was (my parent's house) and worried that I'd get in trouble). I remember that my parents knew nothing of my 'lesbian tendencies', so I realize that, as long as there are no boys with us, there is nothing to worry about.

Now, we (Eadoine, the friend, and I) are all sitting on the floor by the television. I don't remember what was said, but I feel like Eadoine is being very bossy. Something on the tv reminds me of the manga series I've recently started reading, Black Lagoon, and so I mention it to her. Surprisingly, she seems interested. I don't take her to be much of a manga-chick - maybe we have more in common than I thought? I decide to go upstairs to my bedroom to retrieve the first two books of the series for her.

Rook is in my bedroom, for some reason - I'm a little surprised to find him there, but not terribly (it should have been a little creepy for me). As I am grabbing the mangas, he comes up behind me and lightly nibbles on my neck. I let him do it for a moment, because it's just the right spot, but when it 'clicks' what is happening, I run back downstairs ... "what is with him - didn't he learn his lesson when he lost her the last time he fooled around?!"

***

This dream took place at my parent's likely because they have been on my mind more lately, as my mother and I are trying to 'mend' our relationship (or lack thereof).

Oh, the fun I could have, if only I could learn to free myself of the guilt and worry by becoming lucid! >.<

Cat-nap After Work ...

I'm standing in our living room, when I notice a cat outside on the front deck. I don't remember letting the cat in, but next thing I know, it is in our living room. This is when I realize that I know this cat - it's Tiger! (it belongs to a friend, with whom I used to live) It looks just like him, too (fat with orangey-golden stripes) and acts just like him, spreading himself out on the floor, rolling back and forth playfully; the way he sits still with such a 'kingly' expression brings back silly memories. He always liked to wander around the neighborhood, doing his own thing, but I never knew he wandered this far!

I remember how Harley and Sheba (Tiger's doggy 'siblings') used to love to torture him (playfully, of course!) Tiger would usually mind his own business (although, sometimes he would provoke an attack), when all of a sudden, Harley would go after him, hoping to catch and play as if he were his own personal play-thing. Sheba would help, or act as the referee if it got too out of hand.

This memory triggers a curiosity of how Ali (the dog that I currently live with) might interact with a kitty friend - as far as I know, she's never been with a cat before.

Suddenly, Ali notices, and begins to chase him. Usually she is easily fearful, but she seems to be having fun. She catches him, and rolls around with him a few times ...

Eidan's mom is in the room with me, and we are laughing at the situation. I get the idea that she is slightly worried that Ali might hurt Tiger, but I explain that I know this cat ... and that this is how he likes to have fun.

***

The daughter of the friend I lived with called me (after months of little to no contact) before my nap, which likely opened my 'Tiger Schema' (during the brief phone call, I thought of asking how the animals were doing). I also wonder, every once in a while, how Alli would interact with Harley, Sheba, or another doggy friend, since Bubba (the older dog that lived here) died over the winter. Sometimes, I wonder if she's lonely and would like a new friend. These sporadic thoughts could have also triggered the dream situation. ;)

Caught with his Pants Down!

I'm in a small bedroom (not one that I can recall from real life) with Eidan - I think it's supposed to be his. Even though its not set up the same, it somehow reminds me of mine and Deban's (an ex) room when we were living with his father. I'm sitting in the corner almost behind the mostly closed door while he is sitting somewhat diagonal from me a good distance away, playing a video game.

All of a sudden, Eidan is standing in front of me with his penis out, fully erect and in hand. I zoom in on it, and notice that it's much larger than it should be. I love it when he's so up front with his sexual energy because usually he's so calm and controlled - it's really turning me on, but I'm worried that his penis it too big for me - "how is that going to fit inside of me?"

As I am now on my back and my pants are somehow already down, he goes to shove it in. I'm begging him to play with me first, as I want to make sure I'm at my wettest state to prevent the pain I expect to experience.

He doesn't respond, obviously not wanting to play! He instantly rams it inside as far as it will go, and to my surprise, it doesn't hurt; not in a bad way at least. The feeling is odd, but in a good way ... I can tell it's such a tight squeeze, but it's only the pressure that I feel. It's doesn't feel like normal sex, but it's still feels awesome!

I'm trying so hard to control myself by biting down on my own fist, but loud squeaks and moans still manage to escape from my mouth. They sound so loud, but I don't understand how they can be. I'm afraid Eidan's mom is going to catch us, and I can somehow tell that he's thinking the same thing.

We are so close to the door (literally right beside it) that we are able to quickly notice it slowly opening. It was never all the way shut, likely because Eidan's mom doesn't like us to be completely out of view. (Even though Eidan and I are both adults, his mother has religious convictions and is very firm about not allowing that sort of thing under her roof.)

Just before the door opens halfway, Eidan jumps off of me quicker than he could possibly move irl and is back against the other wall playing his game by the time she enters the room with clean laundry. I don't think he had enough time to pull his pants up, because I see that he is now under the blue blanket that I usually sleep with. He pulled out so quickly that my vagina feels like it's 'in shock' (lol) - it felt like he was still inside, even though he obviously wasn't - it was strange.

I don't remember pulling my pants up, but somehow I am totally decent. I'm a little sweaty, but I'm pulling that off by pretending that I just finished a work out (I don't know how I was pretending that as I was actually just sitting there, but in the dream I knew it was a believable front). Somehow, there is now a pile of dirty towels next to me and I am using one to wipe the sweat from my forehead as she is walking toward Eidan with a pile of folded clothes.

I feel like she must suspect something, since she seems annoyed. For some reason, she puts the clothes down and looks under the blanket he is using to cover the fact that he's indecent. Suddenly, she's going back and fourth between yelling and grunting angry remarks under her breath.

For some reason, I get the idea that she assumes he's been masturbating rather than having sex. (I don't know if that was a blind assumption or if it was based on one of her comments. I don't actually remember her comments.)

***

Whore

I'm in some kind of a store - it resembles a gas station convenience store and I see that Jefu (my coworker irl) is here also (I don't know if he was there with me or I just happened to see him). I am about to check out - there is a Hispanic guy at the counter and I get the feeling that he thinks I'm young - perhaps underage (I don't think I was trying to buy something that would have required me to be of age though - I think I wanted him to know I was of age for personal reasons?) I make a point to mention being 23 (although I am 22 irl).

Now, I find myself 'flirting' with this black guy who resembles Rokki, a past acquaintance (I don't remember details - I only remember being a playful tease). At this point, I am making some kind of sexual deal with him (I don't remember what I want from him, but whatever it is, I decide to have sex with him for it). For some reason, I am perfectly okay with this.

Now we are in a small motel room. There are two beds - for some reason I am noticing the maroon floral patterns that is the same on both comforters; quite typical for a motel. I am laying on the bed closest to the window and door while Rokki is sitting on the other, focusing on something (some kind of pamphlet - or a map maybe?) As he's focused on whatever it is he's reading, I am busy quietly stripping down to my lacy black bra and matching thongs. I get on my stomach, placing my hands under my chin as my legs are bending back and forth in a girly manner. I feel cute and sexy and I am wanting him to raise his head enough to notice my attire ... or lack thereof. It doesn't take long before he notices ... obviously getting a little excited as he drops his little pamphlet and stares; I am pleased with his reaction.

Now he is getting up to look for a condom, which is when it sinks in for me what I'm about to do. I am extremely uneasy all of a sudden and don't think I can go through with it - what the fuck was I thinking? How will I be able to look at Eidan (my boyfriend irl) in the eye after this - how will I be able to live with myself?

Rokki is now leaving the room to go get something (maybe the condom?) - I've been waiting in the room for quite some time now...

At some point, I must have gotten up myself because now I'm in a different room - a small one that seems to be some sort of a walking closet. On the floor, I notice a huge cardboard shipping box that says 'proactiv' on it in big letters with my name and address on the corner. "what is this - I don't order proactiv...?" I'm opening the box and inside I see that it's full of little address labels, except it's not my address; instead, they have my name, as well as fragments of my e-mail address and possibly phone numbers. This is quite puzzling ...

At this point, we've switched back to the gas station scene where Rokki is eating these little miniature hot-dog snacks. I mention that I used to buy them all the time back when I was poor, and we are both amused.

Now we are back in what I think is the motel room at first, but apparently it's a house -I'm not sure who's though. I'm back to being worried -I really don't want to have sex with him. All I can think about is how guilty I'm going to feel afterward ...and possible STDs! Why did I have to tease him so much? Now, I think it would be extremely unfair of me to refuse after being such a flirty little she-devil. Maybe I can convince him to take a blow-job instead - I'll still feel bad, but at least it's not sex. For some reason however, I am fixated on the idea that he might have an STD ... and that make me nervous about giving him even a bj. I'm considering suggesting that we use a condom for that, but blow jobs are so lame with a condom on.

Suddenly, I realize that Eidan is home (even though I am still unsure of where we are exactly) - I am so relieved! I am now hearing more voices, meaning Eidan's family and my grandmother (I'm not sure why they all live here?) are also home - I can't possibly do anything with Rokki now and am therefore off the hook automatically.

At this point, I get the impression that Rokki would have been okay if I would have just admitted that I couldn't go through with it - all I would have had to do is ask.

***

No Title

My older brother Taro and I are walking across what seems to be my grandmother's yard. It's a giant field though - we are walking to the neighbor's house, which seems to be a lot further away than it would be irl. I'm thinking how hot it is, walking this far - "I'd much rather be tanning!"

We arrive at an unknown neighbor's house who is kind enough to invite us in for a nap. This doesn't seem strange - I for one am exhausted. The neighbor is quite chipper with a lot of hospitality - she's persistent in offering us pillows, blankets and other things to make sure that we are as comfortable as possible.

I guess we've been sleeping for a little while - I wake up before my brother, noticing that the once sweet, smiling woman is now glaring at me with such an angry, twisted expression. This startles and confuses me - what did we do?

At this point, she is claiming that Taro ran into her car and is looking to 'settle' it. I have no idea if she was aware of this before she invited us in or if Taro did it while I was sleeping. (I thought he was sleeping as well, though?) Either way, I am not liking this situation and I'm not sure how Taro is going to handle it. (Irl he is mildly autistic, so I probably didn't trust that he'd handle it properly and that the neighbor would get the wrong idea.) At this point, I suggest to him that he talk to our mother before taking any further action.

All of a sudden, I remember that I am supposed to be babysitting! I've got to hurry up and get back to the house!

I am no longer in the state where my grandmother lives . Instead, I am now in the neighborhood where I grew up. I'm standing outside of my parent's fence on the corner (irl, this is the path many high school students take on their way home from school) where I am supposed to be waiting for Angel. Apparently, she is walking home from school and I am just waiting for her to get here.

I am observing so many little girls walking home from school - one little group of them dressed in frilly little costumes, singing together as they walk. It's adorable, but a little peculiar.

Scenes change and I am now inside (somewhere) where I see a little girl and her father - the father is crouching down as they little girl is whispering something into his ear.

I don't see Angel anywhere. Strangely, I'm not worried - it's just an observation.

***

Trickery!

I'm in the car with my dad and we are about to pull up to the drive way of our house. (The house resembles Wendy's house irl but it's supposed to be my parent's - apparently I'm living with them in the dream) When we get to the house, we see Mrs. Tabby (a former friend's mother).

Before there is even any evidence, I somehow know that Wendy had tricked Tabby into babysitting her daughter. I'm extremely annoyed because now it's going to be pushed onto me. Can't Wendy just leave me the hell alone??

***

Irl, Wendy has been using her young daughter to try and get in contact with me. Luckily, I'm aware that she often does this to get what she wants as I've seen her do it to others countless times, so I have been ignoring the phone calls. Anyway, this probably has something to do with the theme of this dream.

I've been thinking about my parents lately, hence the unrealistic setting.

College Jitters

For some reason, I find myself in E's mom's class (she's a high school teacher irl). Apparently, I was just sitting in there doing homework while waiting for my college class to start.

I'm feeling like I forgot to do something having to do with homework. I was also a little unsure as to when my class was supposed to start.

Mrs. East (E's mom) is over in the corner by her desk . She asks me if I need any tabs for my notebook - apparently she has a lot of extras. I thanked her, but declined. I'm not sure whether or not I actually needed them but I was more focused on trying to figure out what I had forgotten and when my class started.

***

Big Trouble

I'm sitting on the front porch of my parent's house with my mom; I think E was beside me. She's informing me that Joey, my little brother, got in big trouble over the internet. Apparently, it was something to do with Spain and another country. His friend was supposed to be coming over to 'help settle it'.

As my mom was explaining the whole situation to me, she was unusually calm about it. Normally, she'd be freaking out - instead, she was almost nonchalant about everything.

Joey mentioned something about wanting to order a stuffed animal online; this puzzled me - why did he want a stuffed animal (he's 18)? My mom didn't seem to think it was a good idea ... I felt like it was somehow connected to whatever 'bad thing' he did on the internet.

***

Kissing and Lightening!

I'm in the back alley, right outside the house where I grew up. I'm looking across the alley, where I remember my wild neighbors used to live. I see three couples making out like crazy in plain sight in the back yard. The home owners (at least one of the males' parents) were walking through the gate, able to see what was going on, yet it didn't seem to phase them at all.

I look in front of me where there is a little blond boy standing right in the middle of the ally. I'm wondering where his parents are - he can't be a day older than four. Suddenly, I have this feeling that something bad is about to happen. Next thing I know, lightening comes down from the sky and strikes him! I gasp, unsure what to do next ...

***

YOU'RE going to tattoo me? o_0

My boyfriend, E is planning to tattoo me. I've been wanting a new tattoo, but as far as I knew, E had no experience ... I thought we would go to a parlor. I don't question it much - I figure E is good at everything he does ... why not?

I'm trying to decide where I want it ... and what exactly I want. Since E's doing it, I might as well get more than one!

At this point, it seems that I'm looking into a mirror; I notice that I already have two or three tattoos. Funny - I was so sure I only had the one ...

At some point, I am at a swimming pool with my cousin, Shayna. I'm in a very skimpy bikini, noticing all of my tattoos (there were at least three on the front of my body where I only have one on my shoulder blade irl) which makes me a little nervous for some reason. I'm not sure that I want to be here ...

***

I had said to E in Wal*mart the day before, "I hope you realize I haven't forgotten my tattoo idea!" I just wanted to remind him so he didn't think it was a phase. ;)

I really do feel that E is a natural at whatever he tries; it's kind of annoying. :D

AIM Poser?

I'm at the computer talking to Jerrie on AIM (although, it's not a computer I've ever had. The way the desk is set up and the look of the room resembled Jerrie's bedroom from my memories), when I notice a few lines up next to my screen name that I don't remember typing. I have this feeling that someone was posing as me, and I'm a little worried and very annoyed. Jerrie then types something along the lines of, "hey - my mom says she misses you and wants to know your current address."

***

I do feel like I could read the text in the dream, even though I don't remember everything (particular what the poser had typed).

Mario's House!

I'm on the computer, playing a Mario game - not one I've played before (or that exists irl, for that matter) - but I'm having so much fun looking at it! Supposedly, it's Mario's house ... and you are supposed to explore the rooms. There are so many different rooms, all so colorful and interesting. Just as I'm thinking how amazing it would be to jump into the scene ...

*nudge nudge* "Tai, wake up!"

***

*sigh* ... my damn boyfriend. I guess I can't blame him ... I did tell him to wake me up. ;)

I've been using video games to try to induce lucid dreams irl. That combined with my fascination with the scenery in Mario lands is likely what inspired this dream.

Shit - Everywhere!

I arrive at some park -for some reason it feels like some sort of water park - with my cousin, Shayna. I feel like the 'leader', which is weird considering I've always been the one to 'go with the flow' in this particular cousinly friendship. It was just her personality to take control, I guess ... and mine to drift along with whatever.

The next thing I know, we are walking into the park's restrooms - it's so dark and gloomy in here. I'm thinking that the dull, beige color of the walls and stalls doesn't help much. All of a sudden, I notice that there is shit all over the place - all over the floors in particular. As I look around, I see that all the toilets are full of it as well, and the stalls in general are a total mess. There is a mother and a daughter also in the bathroom with us - Shayna is about to enter a stall, seemingly unaware that she is walking through shit. I am disgusted, especially considering we are all for some reason barefoot. Apparently the mother and little girl are also unaware until I speak up, "guys - let's get out here - there's poop all over the place!"

At this point, Shae looks down, in a panic. I'm thinking, "how the hell could she not have noticed?!"

The mother tells the girl to step out carefully, and we all head out ...

***

OMG, I Lost my Purse!

I'm walking all over some house with an old friend, Jerrie, searching desperately for my purse. Eventually, I find myself at the bottom of a fancy looking staircase, about to run up them (to search the rooms?) when I run into Kassie (another old friend). She walks over to me and seems pretty excited to see me. I am not happy to see her at all - I really don't want to bother with her, I just want to find my purse. "I left you a message - did you get it?" she asks. I let her know that I didn't but that I will surely check it and get back to her ... though I do not actually plan to call her back. I can't seem to find my purse anywhere, so Jerrie and I then decide to go walking all around Dunlee (my hometown) to see if I left it outside somewhere. "I have to find it ... my life is in that purse!"

At some point while running around Dunlee, I realize this is a dream. "This must be a dream - I don't have to worry about my purse!" I'm feeling so relieved ...

***

At this point, I either wake up or drift into another dream (I think "the Poser?") - either way, I've obviously lost the awareness gained. *sigh*

Even though I'm not close friends with Jerrie or Kassie anymore, I still have them as friends on a social networking site. I happened to notice their updates yesterday, which probably has something to do with them appearing in the dream. ;)

Irl, I always freak out when I think I've lost my purse. I never actually lose it, but I do frequently forget where I've put it, which triggers the "OMG, my LIFE is in that purse!" response.

a Gun and Shiny Sneakers!

I am in the kitchen of the deli where I work, when I see Deb, one of my co-workers, with a gun in her hand - she claims to have found it. Somehow, I am now aware that the police are on their way and that they are planning to take the gun in to test for fingerprints - apparently it was just used in a murder. I'm worried for Deb, "quick ... the police will be here any minute! You have to hide it somewhere they will never find it!"

We're running out the kitchen door, into the storage area - I think Deb is planning to run out the back door to find a good hiding place for the gun somewhere outside. On the way out, I almost run into Josh, the store manager, who falls down in an attempt to avoid the collision. "I'm so sorry --" He seems a little embarrassed to have fallen, but assures me that he's fine and that it's no problem. As offer to help him up, I notice that I am wearing navy blue and white platform sketchers sneakers - these things must make me at least 4 inches taller than I actually am! I notice that they look brand new, and they even have silver sparkles on the side design that is a whitish-colored stripe. How odd - I haven't seen platform sneakers since I was a pre-teen.

***

Weird Job

I find myself standing up front at the grocery store where I work. I'm supposed to be working up front today (usually, I work in the deli) at the display table. I'm a little confused as to where I'm supposed to go, so I am looking around for Natalia, the front end manager, so I can ask her what's going on.

I'm walking down the path at the front of the store that leads you to where the registers are supposed to be, and I see that the registers are gone. In their place, there is this huge counter - kind of set up like the one at Best Buy. Behind the counter is where is where a couple registers are apparently, but it's so out of place in a grocery store. Where are the customers going to put their groceries? Are they just going to plop them all on the counter? Damn, this company gets more and more retarded by the day!

I'm peaking behind the counter, trying to see if I can spot Natalia, and I notice that it looks like a radio station back there. I'm extremely confused at this point, but I have spotted Natalia - I didn't recognize her at first because she no longer has big, long, curly hair. It is now a short and spiky kind of a 'lesbian do'. Huh - weird.

I am so not looking forward to work ... but it's got to be past time for me to start. I'm looking up at the clock - it looks like it's after 2:00, but the numbers keep jumbling.

***

I actually did have to work up front the next day, which must have inspired the dream. I was nervous about it because, not only is the manager a bitch, but I prefer the deli environment as opposed to the chaos and drama that cashiers have to deal with. I also hate bugging people as they walk in the store and grabbing people's attention, which is basically what I was required to do, working the display stand. I'd much rather hide in the back, while minding my own business. ;)

What the hell ...

I'm leaning against a wall, inside what seems to me some sort of mall (it resembles W mall in the city where I grew up). I see Randy, a past 'fling', coming toward me, with a girl by his side - somehow, I know she is just a flirty-friend. A part of me wants him to notice me, but the other is unsure, since I don't know whether or not he's aware of my relationship with Erich. It's just always so awkward for me, making a guy (that I don't absolutely hate, that is ;)) aware of the fact that I'm not available. (I'm not exactly good at being blunt ...)

He notices me, and stops by to chat for a bit.

Next thing I know, I am no longer present - I am watching the same scene, only with a girl who greatly resembles actress Rachel McAdams, leaning up against the wall.

Suddenly, someone is coming toward her like Randy was, but it wasn't Randy; I don't know exactly who it was, but I got the feeling he was obnoxious. He stopped to talk to 'Rachel' ... I can't hear what they are saying up until, "Oh, no I can't go with you ... I'm waiting for someone ..." to which he responds, "no, he went with ______ (I don't remember the name mentioned) ... I am your soul mate!"

At this point, I am disgusted for one ... and confused as to why Rachel when along with this weirdo?? I hear him say something about a play they are to be in, so I assume that's where they are headed.

I follow them as they head toward the front of the mall.

Now, we are in some kind of fancy restaurant - but it's outside, and there is a stage ahead of us. I am still watching Rachel and the weirdo, as they are about to sit down at their fancy, circular table. I am now focused on Rachel who is still standing up, leaning over the table - it seems like she's staring at something on the center of it.

Now, I am watching the 'stage', although what I see seems to be the face of a creepy little girl. She looks just like a porcelain doll, but she's definitely real. She has ice blue eyes, curly blond hair, pale skin ... I am now focusing on her lips. They hardly move, but a voice is coming out. She's saying something, but I can't quite understand it - her voice is monotone and emotionless - I can't get over the fact that she is hardly moving her lips. There are captions on what I guess is a screen of what she's saying (but I don't remember what it said - I don't even know if I could read them in dream.) I think she is introducing the skit/play that is about to take place.

Now, I am back at the table where Rachel and the weirdo are .... Rachel still standing, focused on whatever is on the center of the table. All of a sudden, there is what seems to be some sort of explosion on the area of the table that she was focused on - it wasn't an explosion though, just forceful air that pushed them back about 3 feet from the table. It didn't seem to be dangerous, but it was startling and strange ....

***

Please, let this be a Dream!

I find myself in Dick and Wendy's* bedroom, where I am thinking, "Oh no ... this can't be real! I thought I got out of this hell .... please let this be a dream ....!" At this point, I notice that everything is unusually bright (it seemed like the sun was shining into the window, which is odd in a dream setting for me, as everything tends to be noticeably dim.)

I walk over by the window where the sunlight is, when I notice Angel over by Wendy's dresser, focused on on something, as she's looking down at the top of the dresser intently. I feel like she doesn't even know I'm there, and hoping that it stays that way. I feel like this must be a dream, as I remember getting myself out of this situation ... am I visiting, perhaps? Why would I be visiting ... I never wanted to see them again. Did I really even leave? Everything seems so vivid! How can this be a dream?

Still questioning whether or not this is real and hoping to find a way out of the situation, I am trying to make myself pass out by bending far over for a few moments and coming up quickly to get some blood to rush to my head (irl, I have dizzy spells quite frequently - generally from getting up from laying down too quickly). I figure if I can get myself to pass out, then maybe I will wake up. As I am starting to black out, I see that Angel has noticed me - I notice that she looks quite a bit taller than she was the last time I saw her. As the room is spinning and I am falling to the ground, she walks over to me and faintly I hear, 'mommy, I think something's wrong with Tai'. I think this is where I am wake up.

***

* For more details, see notes from "Prank Phone Call".

A couple days ago, I received an unknown phone call from the area code of where Wendy and Dick used to live (that is, before I knew them - their family and friends are still there, so their cell phones have always had that area code). I'm assuming it was either Angel or the new babysitter (he's called before to get information on how to fix the computer - I guess Angel must have mentioned that I would know what to do, in that case. Anyway, seeing the number must have opened my "Wendy and Dick' schema, hence the annoying theme. >.<>

Dreams in my Dreams!

I don't think I am actually present, but I find myself in what seems to be some sort of restaurant or pub. I am in a dim corner following a conversation going on between a group of girls sitting at a circular table that seems to be no less than three feet away from where I stand. One girl in particular is Ariel, a childhood acquaintance whom I remember from homeroom in 6th grade. I hear her saying something along the lines of "everyday, I have to visit my dad by the dumpster and feed him ham" to which I'm thinking, "what the fuck?"

I connected her words to the idea of having to go through hard times, which I find refreshing, considering I've always gotten the impression that she was fairly well off. At some point, I become aware that she is just as into dreams as I am (I don't remember if she said something to cause this realization, or if I just randomly got a feeling ...) and I conclude that the the whole 'feeding dad ham in the dumpster' thing was probably something from a dream she was describing. Still, I am pleasantly surprised that dream recall seems to be a hobby of hers.

The next scene I can recall: I don't know exactly where I am - it seems that I am still in the pub with Ariel and the other girls, but there is now some kind of computer in the room (on a food service cart, I believe) that we are gathered around. She shows off her dream website, and we are reading white words on a deep blue (possibly starry?) background that are in the form of karaoke lyrics (moving down the screen, words being highlighted as I read them). I find this odd, but am mostly focused on reading what is apparently one of Ariel's more recent dreams.

At this point, I am in a totally different scenario - I find myself in the deli where I work, when a random girl (customer) wants my attention. As I am looking at her, I notice that she has a very simple kind of pretty face - very natural, with long, blond, unmaintained but yet still lovely hair to match. She doesn't want anything from the deli - she wants to inform me of a tornado that went through her community. Throughout the dream, I have this lingering feeling that I am working on some kind of 'project' and that this is apparently why this girl came up to me with the information she's currently presenting - she's 'heard' about my 'project' and wants to help.

After she presents the facts, I begin to ask questions that seem to make her uncomfortable for some reason. ("what community do you live in?" is the only one I can recall. I feel like some of these questions were on a more personal level however, but I don't know that for sure.) She's still answering them, but is obviously a little nervous, as opposed to the excitement she expressed while presenting the facts.

***

I didn't notice not being able to read in the dream (karaoke website scene), but I've always heard that it is impossible to. I can't for the life of me remember what I had read, but am fairly certain that I understood in the dream, as I remember being intrigued by it ???

As for finding the idea of Ariel struggling in life refreshing ... irl I do often wish that some friends from my past could have had it rough. We are worlds apart now - it's hard for me to relate to people who still see the world in terms of black and white.

On a different note ... I've always thought of Ariel as naturally adorable, which probably also inspired the naturally pretty girl in the last dream.

Speaking of the last dream: I think the 'uncomfortable' feeling was my mind's way of expressing the way I often feel when it comes to expressing deeper feelings irl. Within the dream, I was the confident one pushing the questions and, while noticing her uneasiness, not allowing it to affect me. Irl, I am more often either too uncomfortable to express what's on my mind at all, or too uncomfortable to go on once I notice that I am making someone else uncomfortable.

the Box

I'm pushing my shopping cart around what seems to be the Family Dollar when I run into Wendy, doing the same. For some reason, it does not seem awkward for either of us - although I am slightly aware that it probably should. She's mostly venting about how her husband is driving her insane (irl, she always vented about that - always vented, but never actually did anything about it -it got to be pretty damn annoying after a while). Eventually, she brings up her friend, Lina, who is apparently living with them now.

Wendy informs me that Lina went through the box that I had left in the basement. I'm a little annoyed at this, but it's just the principle - there is actually nothing in the box that I really care about.

Fragment:
something about the MM forum - ahhh ... I know it was funny, but I can't remember anything about it!

***

I met Lina once or twice - she is Wendy's friend from childhood. They are supposedly 'good friends', yet they obviously don't trust each other, as they are constantly going behind the other's back? Anyway, she appeared every once in a while and then dropped off the face of the earth - Wendy never knew what to expect with her. It's a fucked up friendship in general, and I have occasionally wondered if she'd end up living there for a time.

I did actually leave a box in their basement - if I could teleport that box back to me, I would - but it's definitely not worth the drama to go back and get it. Anyway, I do actually wonder from time to time if they've gone through it or trashed it...

Prank Phone Call

I am prank calling the people I used to live with off and on for a good while (I feel like there was a major plot and the prank calls just took up some time in between, but all I can remember is the phone calls ...) I think I've been doing this for the past few hours, every 20 minutes or so - I call, wait for someone to pick up, and then hang up. I am getting some twisted sense of pleasure out of it - I feel a rush as I'm about to call once more ... it's ringing, ringing, and now I am hearing Dick's voice (I think Wendy has been picking up until this point.) Since it's Dick (irl, he is this total failure of a human being whom I thoroughly despise), I decide to stay on the line, but silently, until he begins flipping out on me, apparently aware that it's been me all along. Extremely amused, I can barely contain my laughter, but I do manage to stay mostly silent through the majority of the rant until I am finally satisfied enough to hang up.

I now realize that I am in my boyfriend's house, but it is actually my parent's house in the community where I grew up, though it's obviously supposed to be my current community. In this set up, Wendy and Dick live across the street from me in the house where my childhood friend, who is also named 'Wendy', used to live (irl, Dick and Wendy live in the same community, but far enough away to where I can easily avoid them.)

Because of the sudden realization that they are right across the street, I am a little uneasy. As I'm wishing to take back my actions, their daughter, Angel, appears inside of my living room - apparently, she walked over all by herself.

I find myself infuriated with Dick and Wendy for not paying attention to their young daughter enough to notice that she left the house so late at night (somehow, I 'knew' that was the case), not to mention nervous to even be face to face with her (she was very attached to me when I lived with them, but I had to leave because of issues with the parents. My leaving broke her little heart, but there really was no reasonable way to stay in contact, being on bad terms with the parents and all.)

Suddenly, I am yelling at Angel for coming over here all by herself without permission. What am I doing?? I shouldn't have yelled - I'm not really mad at her. I can't believe I just took out the anger I have for her parents on her - I'm feeling pretty guilty right about now.

(I don't remember the actual details of this, but I know that I apologized in some way - though I don't think it was verbal. I think I cut myself off mid-yell and let myself calm down a bit.) I am now talking to her like she is my best little buddy, the way that I used to. I know I have to send her back home very soon, but I don't want her to feel like I don't care or that I am just trying to get rid of her.

Somehow, I've managed to find these bright pink care bear cookies randomly in the kitchen (I have never seen cookies this pink before - they almost look like they must be gummies or some kind of candy, but they are indeed cookies.) I'm giving them to her as we walk toward the door - the cookies seem to have distracted her enough (without a distraction, she would have gotten extremely emotional over this, as she is an abnormally sensitive child). She seems content for the moment, as she cooperatively walks out the door back to her house. I wave goodbye, and watch her cross the street.

***

It should be noted that I do feel guilty for 'deleting' Angel from my life ('deleting' is what it feels like). I think it was the best option, considering the issues with her parents, as mentioned above, and having to move on with my own life. Still, it does hurt knowing that a little girl was crushed over it all. She is not mine nor is she related in any way, but I was the one picking up the slack for over a year, as her parents emotionally neglected her more and more. I truly feel for kids who are neglected by lazy/selfish parents, and these strong feelings likely had a part in this dream.

As for the prank phone calls, it was probably my mind's attempt at revenge, since they used to keep close tabs on me by phone, worried that they'd lose their free live-in nanny thus having to actually be parents.

Annoying Dick specifically was likely my small way of getting back at him for being such a sleazy piece of trash!

I have no idea about the ridiculously pink cookies?!

eek, Spider!

I'm in the living room of my boyfriend's house (though, once again it did not look like his actual house - I think it more closely resembled a former friend, Wendy's house) when I spot a giant spider on the floor. Its body was about the size of a plum, but shaped more like a tear drop. Its legs, however, are not proportional to its body, as they more closely resemble the legs of a large daddy long leg's. Its body is kind of silver in color, which I find rather odd - it looks more like something you'd find in a video game. I'm not really looking forward to it, but I know that I'm going to have to kill this thing. I take another look at its freakishly large body and wonder if its guts are going to burst like the piece of fruit it resembles would? I take a deep breath and go in for the kill (I was planning to 'pop' its body - with a stick maybe? I can't recall that detail...) when, suddenly, it's on the other side of the room! That thing just crawled as fast as I can run!?

At this point, my boyfriend's mom wonders what I am doing. When she realizes that I'm trying to kill a spider, she figures that I'm just being a silly little girl and decides to give it a shot (I don't think she said so, but I got the feeling it's what she was thinking- "silly little girl"). She sees just how big it really is and makes a comment, to which I thought, "now you see I'm not overreacting, don't you?!"

Still, she tries to kill it and it crawls away from her as well before she has a chance to plan her move. She seems confused and surprised, but not too worried about it being lost somewhere in the room. We have no idea where it went, but it's getting late and she is more concerned with getting ready for bed. She goes into her room as I am contemplating what I'm going to do - I sleep in the living room, where the spider is out lurking. I'm so exhausted, but I know the moment I lay down to close my eyes, it's going to come out and do something.

***

IRL, killing spiders is a fairly common thing in this house. :) I also frequently joke about how they tend to 'chase' me or how they are 'plotting against me'. Recently, there was a huge one (although, not quite as large as the dream spider ;) in the bathroom underneath the corner of the mirror. I let is stay because it was only a daddy long legs and didn't seem to be causing any trouble. Then one morning, it wasn't there. No one had killed it as far as I knew, so I was wary whenever I used the bathroom for a couple days after that, in fear that the spider would sneak up on me.

This likely inspired the dream. There was also a movie on last night where the character was fighting what looked like a giant spider, according to my boyfriend. I wasn't paying attention to it, but perhaps my subconscious soaked up a few little details anyway?

As far as my feelings toward his mom thinking I was being a little girl, I can't stand being underestimated, especially by someone I respect. ;) This probably has something to do with my annoyance toward her in the dream. Even though it wasn't completely unfair to assume I was being a little girl since I can be on occasion (though, not particularly when it comes to spiders), the girl in my fantasies is tough and completely fearless.

ick, Little Boys

My boyfriend's mom went to go somewhere, leaving this 11-year-old boy she was supposedly tutoring earlier in the day at the house with me (this house didn't at all look like hers irl, but it didn't resemble a house that I can recall ever being to either.) I'm feeling like she 'forgot' him, but I somehow realize that that his dad will be coming shortly to pick him up (I think the boy informed me, but I don't remember ever conversing with him?). I'm nervous about him being there, but am unsure as to why, exactly. I just don't know how to act with him around and I feel like I can't relax or be myself.

Next thing I remember is being lost in the rain on what seems to be a college campus. I distinctively remember a maroon 'circle' design in the stones that make up the section of the sidewalk where all the other paths meet in the middle of the 'campus'.

***

Note: irl, I tend to be slightly 'uncomfortable' around pre-teen/teenage boys. I just don't know how to be around them; there's always this lingering knowledge of how immature and ridiculous they tend to be, which makes me feel icky. I always assume they're thinking something perverted about me, lol and while I don't mind that sort of thing in some cases, younger guys have never been my cup of tea.

Black Lace

I am with my boyfriend in his mother's bedroom and he is showing me this black, lace dress of his mother's that he wants me to try on. It looks sexy, yet modest - but it's not as sexy as I'd like it to be (I remember wishing it to be a hot piece of lingerie).

As I am trying it on, I notice that it does look like lingerie once it's on me - this is confusing, since it was definitely a more modest article of clothing when my boyfriend held it up, but I am more concerned with how pleased I am to be wearing it.

I pose for my boyfriend, who rather enjoys it but says that he prefers another garment that I own (one that I had tried on for him once before apparently, but not irl). This puzzles me - how can he possibly think that is hotter than what I'm wearing now? I'm trying to figure it out until I am suddenly worried that his mother will come home and catch us in her bedroom.

***

IRL, earlier within the week, a sweet old lady that I work with wanted to give me a blouse of hers. I was a little worried that it would be gaudy based on her description, but I accepted the offer to be polite. Surprisingly, it didn't look half bad. It looked like something I might even wear on a dressy occasion. I brought it home to my boyfriend who was obviously getting ideas (even though I couldn't tell at the time) since later that night he asked me to wear it for him. ;)

Obviously, this experience must have inspired the dream version. ^_^

Oh, the Drama!

I'm at a campground from my childhood with old friends, JR and Kassie (both in the dream and irl, JR and Kassie used to date) We were all hanging out under the awning of the picnic area, when I noticed JR being very flirtatious with Kassie. (I don't remember any specifics, other than playfully pushing each other - it was mostly a strong feeling that something was going on between them.)

JR's little sister came over to us, warning JR that his girlfriend (the girlfriend's first and last name were mentioned by the little sister in the dream, but it was no one that I actually knew and it is not his girlfriend irl) was angry about what was going on and planning to break up with him over it. Kassie just seems oblivious as to what is going on (she is kind of ditzy irl ... okay, very ditzy)

(at some point, the scene switched) Next thing I know, we are all in the basement (underneath the picnic area) where the bathrooms and storage areas are. JR is a little upset about what has happened and is questioning his inability to stay satisfied with a girlfriend. At this point, I feel compelled to answer his question, but I am afraid of offending Kassie (who is also in the room).

***

Note: irl, my opinion has always been that JR tends not to pick girls he's actually interested in on a deeper level. For instance, he settled for Kassie simply because he found out that she had a crush on him, while actually being more interested in our other friend, Drew.

Fragment:
I'm watching Pam (a girl that hates me irl) from my house, running through a large stretch of grass that is a yard (I guess) across the street from where I am standing. She is yelling for her boyfriend angrily, and I have a feeling he cheated on her.