Sunday School Atheist

I am in Sunday School (or youth group?) with an old acquaintance, Melissa, whom I definitely do not know from church irl. The Sunday School teacher is Mr. Tahmores, my mother's former home-schooling supervisor irl. I was never too fond of him - he seemed like all the other pompous, religious asses that I've been more than familiar with for most of my life.

He was teaching a lesson, but I was not paying attention. Instead, Melissa and I were off in a corner, discussing a passage from the Bible that was apparently evidence of a biblical flaw. I was pointing it out to her - since she seems so interested, I end up spending the remainder of class explaining it to her.

By the end of the lesson, Mr. Tahmores seems to have noticed, at some point, that we were not paying attention to his lesson. He doesn't seem angry, however, which seems odd to me until I realize what he's up to.

Somehow, I come to realize that he doesn't know I am an atheist but is slightly aware that I have 'doubts' when it comes to Christianity. He arrogantly assumes that I am 'confused' about a certain passage and that that is what I was discussing with Melissa. He sees this as the perfect opportunity to 'clear up a doubt', which is why he, rather than angrily, 'giddily', seems to be getting off on this.

"Which passage are you two interested in, Tai?" I absolutely hate that stupid, egotistical twinkle in his eye. "I'd rather not say." He keeps urging me to tell him, using various Christianese comfort phrases to help me feel 'safe' enough to 'open up', but I continue to refuse: "No, it'd be better if I didn't."

Strange Bathroom

I am in the Wise bathroom, but it is very strange; there are no longer any stalls, and the toilets seem to be sitting on what looks like a giant, inflatable mattress (I remember it being red, and to me, slightly resembling the base of a moon bounce). There are two or three toilets (although, they do not look like regular toilets - they seem to be 'holes', with cloth around the edges, making a 'seat') and there is no privacy - the 'toilets' are all next to each other, in a row.

I don't know what the hell is going on here, but I am not comfortable with it. First of all, is this even sanitary? I wonder if this is 'punishment' to the customers for constantly making disgusting messes in here. Couldn't they make an even more disgusting mess in this type of setting, though?

Secondly, I need my privacy. There's is no way I am okay with anyone coming in here, watching what I do. I don't have to go to the bathroom, but I'd just like to freshen up. Usually, I do this in a stall - but I guess for now I'll just try and go to the bathroom, and freshen up at the same time - hopefully I'll have a few moments of peace before someone else comes in. I take out my mirror to fix my eyeliner as I sit on the toilet, and a little girl walks in with her mother, "Oh, what are you doing?" (I really hate when people watch me do my make-up; I also hate being bothered in the bathroom, in general.) - Annoying!

***

I am aware that bathroom dreams generally have to do with privacy frustrations in waking life, and that certainly applies in my current situation. They can also have to do with a need to vent certain emotions, while holding it in due to a fear of criticism for it, which also applies. Sometimes I feel that the bathroom is the one place I can relax (both at work and home), so to think of that one privacy being taken away would certainly be frustrating!

Blessing in Disguise

I'm in a certain bedroom (it doesn't look familiar) - I ran up here because I am upset/angry over something. Suddenly, Hiro drops in and sees that I am upset. I want to vent, but he leaves so quickly. At first, there is irritation covering the pain I feel because of what seems to be a lack of concern. Suddenly though, I am appreciative - isn't this what I wanted? This is evidence that he truly has moved on and has more important concerns than me. :)

***

Lately, I've been missing my ex. It's not that I miss being with him; Az is a much better match for me on so many levels. I do, however, miss the frequent contact - being updated on his life and reassured that he's doing well. He was my first and I care(d) about him very much; it was almost a maternal kind of care. (Odd - yes, I know!) I hear from him less and less, and while I wonder how he's been, I know that the lack of contact is a good thing.

Out for a Jog

Az and I are jogging up the main road of our community. As we are approaching the mailboxes, I see Wendy from a distance; I know it's her mostly because of her legs (for some reason, they were very distinguishing in the dream "I'd know those legs anywhere" - strange.) but also because I notice that Dick and their daughter, Bryn, are jogging beside her.

I ask Az to slow down a bit - I don't want to catch up to them. Just as I am hoping Bryn doesn't happen to notice me, I hear "mommy, I see Tai!", a little too close for comfort. As I look to my left to complain to Az, he is already gone; he must have escaped, leaving me to deal the awkwardness - bastard! ;) She runs toward me, we small-talk for a bit, and then she runs back up to Wendy. I am thankful that she didn't have any awkward questions or comments for me. It was odd - she was so casual and nonchalant about everything where she is usually miserable and overly dramatic.

Suddenly, I notice that Dick is jogging beside me; I am instantly pissed. I think he is trying catch up with me in his usual pathetic flirting style, where he obviously thinks that I MUST be into him, while blatantly oblivious of the body language that so obviously proves that I'd love nothing more than for lightening to come crashing of the sky, just to strike him ... >:)~

***

I don't know if this is a separate dream, but I assume it's connected, since I am still walking around the same community.

I am walking down a road - it seems like one in my community because of the hills, but the scenery is much more open, with less trees. The landscape more closely resembles what I've seen while visiting family down south than anything I've become familiar with, living up here.

I'm walking uphill. As I'm getting closer to the top, I realize that there is a blond girl ahead of me - I don't know her, but I guess she is a bit younger than me ... probably in her late teens. She is attractive from behind, but I try not to think that way, since she could be really young.

As I am catching up to her (not deliberately - she has just slowed down a lot while I've been going a steady pace), she has apparently been unaware of me, as my presence seems to have startled her. She gasped, and then stopped for a breather, bent over slightly with her hands on her knees, "God, you scared me!" she exclaims. I chuckle, and playfully apologize.

It now seems that we are good friends, as we are walking together to some random house - neither one of us knows whose house it is, but we decide it would be a good idea to knock on the door and introduce ourselves. At this point, I am noticing that this girl reminds me of a cool chick named Melissa that I used to work with who was also a little younger than me. As we approach the screen door, my little brother is somehow there with us - I get the impression he's only there because he thinks my new friend is hot.

I knock on the door; since it's a screen door, and the main door is open, and I can see inside. After the knock, a middle-aged woman rises from what seems like a hot tub, directly in front of us less than 10 feet from the door. She is coming out to answer in nothing but a bathing suit, which is just kind of awkward; it feels like we are interrupting.

She lets us in, and shows us to the living room, where her sons (I assume that's who they are) are all on computers, fully focused on whatever it is they're doing. She lets them know we are there, but they couldn't care less; one even gave us a slight attitude. Suddenly, I feel really stupid and question why we came in the first place; it seems like such a silly idea now. Oh, well. :)

This One Almost Made Me Late for Work!

I am in our living room, present, but not really participating in the conversation going on. Az's cousin, Belle, has stopped by for a visit. I recall hearing that she's entered a couple beauty pageants, and won some money being one of the runner ups. I am thinking about how I also heard that she cried over not winning - which I think is silly. If it were me, I'd rather not win .... take the money and run, is more like it! ;)

I am watching her from across the living room as she walks over to the dishwasher and back. She is very pretty - I notice her long, tan legs and big, dark, full hair, sparkling brown eyes, and her gorgeous smile. I compare her to myself and decide that, even though I do find myself attractive as well, she definitely fits the 'pageant' category where I do not (lol - I consider myself to be in 'porn-star category' - or maybe something more 'cutesy' ... but not a 'super model' or an 'American beauty). She's quite ditzy as well, and very happy all the time ... so even the personality fits. :)

At some point, Az and I are getting ready to leave for work, but Az says something that makes it seem as though we may not have to go in. I am confused by this, and insist that there is no reason we wouldn't have to. At some point, I hear my cell phone ringing but for some reason, I assume it's the house phone.(which is odd, considering the rings are totally different.)

We are now in a car(although, we are both passengers, which is odd, considering he usually drives) but I am not sure who is driving - I think it's his mom. I assume she is dropping us off at work, but then I notice that it is snowing heavily outside (maybe that is what Az meant as to why we might not have to go in? Why is it snowing in the summer, though?)

As the weather calms down, we arrive at our destination, which is my parent's house (Why are we HERE?) Az seems to walk in like it's no big deal, but I am trying to figure out how we got so far from home in what seems like a few minutes.(For some reason I didn't question the oddness of freely walking into my parents house when I haven't seen them in years.)

***

While I was half awake that morning, I overheard a conversation between Az's mom and brother about Belle (her beauty pageants and crying), which helped to produce some of the dream details. I must have dozed back off soon after that because the phone I heard in the dream was actually the alarm on my cell going off, irl Since the dream justified ignoring it in my mind, I was almost late for work! >.<

Deli Encounter :)

I'm behind the deli counter, trying to get away with not serving the next customer by making my way to the back area, when the next customer, a younger woman, makes a sarcastic comment. I play it off and resist the urge to snap at her for being so rude, when I realize that she is Colie, Hiro's little sister. I am surprised at how her face has cleared up ... and she's lost quite a bit of weight (the last time I saw her was right after she gave birth to her second child).

It's been a long time, and I am happy to see her - I assume that Mara (her mother) is around also, which makes me a little nervous. I'd like to see her as well and chat for a bit, but I am worried that she will make negative comments about my no longer being with her son (she's the type to say what she wants despite the feelings of others, and she's known to start drama for the hell of it).

For some reason, there is a couch over by the cheese island, which seems to be shifted further to the right (on the other side of the sandwich case) as opposed to real life, where it is in between the sandwich case and the Italian case. It is kind of 'secluded' somehow (or at least it seems that way, even though it shouldn't?), and next thing I know, I am on the couch catching up with Mara (I think Colie is looking around the store at certain points; otherwise, she's sitting there with us, just listening.)

Surprisingly, Mara doesn't have anything negative to say pertaining to Hiro and I. I think she was talking shit about other people, but that is to be expected. :) I don't remember exactly what was shared, bit they were typical Mara rants.

At some points, Jovianne (the FS leader) pops in, I suppose to fix the cheese island. At one point, I was laying on the couch with my feet on the island, and she snapped at me to get them off (She's usually very happy and perky, but she gets in her moods ...) I vaguely remember Joel(the store manager) looking in our direction at certain points. I feel like he is 'watching' me, but am not bothered by it at all. For some reason however, I get the feeling that I am doing something wrong or that I will get in trouble for associating with Mara. (??)

***

Writing on the Wall!

I'm sitting on the floor, looking at the door frame of Az's mother's bedroom. In the dream, the door frame is white (although, it is brown irl) and there is a picture of a cat's face that seems to have been drawn towards the bottom of it in black sharpie. I don't remember doing it, but I know it was me ... and get the feeling that it was done only moments ago. Why do I always do this? (ref. I had a habit of writing on walls, or various other surfaces, as a child. As I got older, I would find that, with a writing utensil nearby, while my mind was preoccupied with something else and if my left hand was free (ex. while on the telephone), I'd write on things (the receiver, the night stand, etc) without even realizing.) Panicking, as I don't want Az's mother to find it (what would she think?!), I begin thinking of ways to cover it up ... (I wonder if there's any leftover white paint in the house?)

***

Could that new sharpie commercial have opened my 'sharpie schema' (likely connected to my love of writing on anything and everything, with sharpies especially! *grins giddily*) As lame as it was (the commercial >.<), I found it quite enjoyable!

It should be noted that I am naturally nervous around Az's mom, irl. There is no 'good' reason for it, as she is obviously a nice lady, but aspects of her personality/lifestyle remind me too much of my own mother's which leads to an irrational fear of being 'disliked' or constantly judged by her.

While rarely are they 'nightmares', my dreams sure are never fully pleasant! Clearly, I worry WAYYY too much! I must rid my mind of all this crap!

She Loves Me Not ... She Loves Me? o_0

I am in the basement of my parent's house (quite an an odd setting, for me - but I think, in the dream, it's where I live). First thing I can recall is laying on the pull-out sofa bed that is against the wall where a bookcase used to be (at least, the last time I was there) with Eadoin and a friend (I'm not sure if she is more Eadoin's friend or mine, but I am uneasy around them both).

At some point, it seems as though Eadoin and Rook are back together as a couple (irl, they broke up a while ago, and she has long since moved on). I get the idea that since Eadoin is willing to give Rook another chance, that she is also willing to give me another chance (irl, I assume that she blames and strongly dislikes me for her idea of what went wrong in their relationship). There is a scene I can recall where they are kissing, which is mostly what gives me the impression that they are back together.

On the sofa-bed, we are talking and goofing around. Her personality seems more like my cousin, Moxie's, but then again, Eadoin was always rather timid and reserved around me. Her drunken personality was however, similar to Moxie's actual personality, which could be where the connection was drawn. I find myself wishing I could feel safe enough to truly express myself, but it's difficult. I think it's because I am wary of the situation in general - why is she okay with me all of a sudden? Why is she so 'free' around me?

As I catch a few glimpses of her, I notice that she has slight tan lines on her back, but that her legs are still very pale. With this, I wonder if perhaps being tan in the summer is not as important to her as it is to me. In another scene, where she is walking by the deli with Rook, I notice that she looks wider from the back than she used to - it seems like she has gained some weight. (A fellow co-worker has put on a lot of weight as of recently, which has been disappointing to me, considering she was once very attractive. Because this coworker has always slightly resembled Eadoine in my mind, perhaps I projected this onto her?)

Back on the sofa-bed, I think of asking if everything is really okay (with our situation) for reassurance, but decide against it. I also think of asking what went wrong in the relationship she seems to have broke off in order to go back to Rook, but figure it's not my place. I think at this point, I am trying to 'be free' in the only way I know how... so, I playfully plant a kiss on her mouth, biting her lower lip, hoping to initiate some action ^_-. She smiles and giggles, but backs away, seeming a little uncomfortable with that sort of thing.

At this point, I realize that I had shut the basement door (since I had sexual thoughts at the time, I remembered where I was (my parent's house) and worried that I'd get in trouble). I remember that my parents knew nothing of my 'lesbian tendencies', so I realize that, as long as there are no boys with us, there is nothing to worry about.

Now, we (Eadoine, the friend, and I) are all sitting on the floor by the television. I don't remember what was said, but I feel like Eadoine is being very bossy. Something on the tv reminds me of the manga series I've recently started reading, Black Lagoon, and so I mention it to her. Surprisingly, she seems interested. I don't take her to be much of a manga-chick - maybe we have more in common than I thought? I decide to go upstairs to my bedroom to retrieve the first two books of the series for her.

Rook is in my bedroom, for some reason - I'm a little surprised to find him there, but not terribly (it should have been a little creepy for me). As I am grabbing the mangas, he comes up behind me and lightly nibbles on my neck. I let him do it for a moment, because it's just the right spot, but when it 'clicks' what is happening, I run back downstairs ... "what is with him - didn't he learn his lesson when he lost her the last time he fooled around?!"

***

This dream took place at my parent's likely because they have been on my mind more lately, as my mother and I are trying to 'mend' our relationship (or lack thereof).

Oh, the fun I could have, if only I could learn to free myself of the guilt and worry by becoming lucid! >.<

Cat-nap After Work ...

I'm standing in our living room, when I notice a cat outside on the front deck. I don't remember letting the cat in, but next thing I know, it is in our living room. This is when I realize that I know this cat - it's Tiger! (it belongs to a friend, with whom I used to live) It looks just like him, too (fat with orangey-golden stripes) and acts just like him, spreading himself out on the floor, rolling back and forth playfully; the way he sits still with such a 'kingly' expression brings back silly memories. He always liked to wander around the neighborhood, doing his own thing, but I never knew he wandered this far!

I remember how Harley and Sheba (Tiger's doggy 'siblings') used to love to torture him (playfully, of course!) Tiger would usually mind his own business (although, sometimes he would provoke an attack), when all of a sudden, Harley would go after him, hoping to catch and play as if he were his own personal play-thing. Sheba would help, or act as the referee if it got too out of hand.

This memory triggers a curiosity of how Ali (the dog that I currently live with) might interact with a kitty friend - as far as I know, she's never been with a cat before.

Suddenly, Ali notices, and begins to chase him. Usually she is easily fearful, but she seems to be having fun. She catches him, and rolls around with him a few times ...

Eidan's mom is in the room with me, and we are laughing at the situation. I get the idea that she is slightly worried that Ali might hurt Tiger, but I explain that I know this cat ... and that this is how he likes to have fun.

***

The daughter of the friend I lived with called me (after months of little to no contact) before my nap, which likely opened my 'Tiger Schema' (during the brief phone call, I thought of asking how the animals were doing). I also wonder, every once in a while, how Alli would interact with Harley, Sheba, or another doggy friend, since Bubba (the older dog that lived here) died over the winter. Sometimes, I wonder if she's lonely and would like a new friend. These sporadic thoughts could have also triggered the dream situation. ;)