Boob Envy

I'm with JT and his wife at their house.I think I'm in the kitchen at this point, goofing off with JT. (I don't remember what we were doing). I get the feeling his wife is not pleased with me. Did I do something wrong? I think of offering to babysit for them while they go on a date but decide against it. If she hates me, she probably won't want me getting close with her child.

Now, we're in the living room. JT is sitting on this huge, comfy chair. I am sharing it with him, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that since it really is big enough for two. His wife has gone upstairs to take a shower. I take this opportunity to ask JT point blank, "does your wife hate me?" JT answers "no, she doesn't hate you ... she just doesn't like the effect your boobs have on me." (lol)

She comes downstairs from the bathroom with wet hair and sits down on the couch. She's so gorgeous even right out of the shower! Why is she jealous of me? I think about how hot she looks even with shorter hair (IRL, I prefer long hair on women, with a few exceptions).

I want to flirt with her a little, but I'm worried it won't be well-received. I'm silly with her instead, making some jokes, and she seems to be okay with me. We're getting along and laughing together.

***

IRL, I'm not sure how JT's wife feels about me. I worry that she doesn't like me, which is upsetting since I actually admire her. Wanting to babysit to allow them alone time was an attempt to show that I care about the health of their relationship. This idea has come up IRL too.  'Real life correcting' dreams are a relatively common theme for me and perhaps mentioning them to a friend in conversation yesterday inspired another?

As for the guilty theme, duh. :)  I tend to befriend men more easily than women, though I crave close friendships with women as well. It's just more difficult for me to be open with women, given my 'mommy-issues'. When I feel comfortable enough with a friend of either gender, I tend to be playful which can manifest as flirtatiousness. I rarely mean anything by it, but it has given the wrong impression before, and I do worry about how I am perceived by either the friend or their partner.

I've often been in the situation where I'd made the partner feel unnecessarily threatened and I tend to worry about that sort of thing. I really hate making anyone uncomfortable. I wish we could all get along and be equal friends, hence the dream attempt. However, my nervousness around other women particularly combined with their uncertainty about me often makes this rather difficult. In fantasy, I fix this sort of jealous situation with sex, by exploring the woman in an attempt to show her how amazing she really is, putting all focus on her, and making her the center of attention. I think that is why flirting  with the partner tends to be the initial reponse. Unfortunately, dream guilt often keeps the fantasy from playing out! >.<

As for the boob line ... I was thinking about how much of a boob-man A is before going to sleep.  Perhaps that had something to do with it. lol

Strange Hotel

My parents and brothers are visiting and staying in a strange hotel outside of PJ, NY. I am thinking that they probably chose to stay outside of PJ because of my comparing it to DK, MD. I had mentioned the surrounding towns being a bit nicer.

The hotel is very high up. There is a creaky set of old, wooden stairs you have to climb in order to get to the room. Walking up the stairs, I notice that there is no railing on the tiny porch that leads to the door. How is this safe?! There is a flimsy bar that runs across the side, but it is too high up (about chin length for me) to prevent a fall. You'd have to grab onto it if you were to lose your balance, and swing your body back onto the porch. We are as high as the tree tops. This is not safe. I'm worried for my mom especially. I think of how she's fallen before.

Suddenly, my mom is shaking the bar aggressively. What is she thinking?! She stops, and reassures me that it is indeed sturdy.

Now, we're inside the 'hotel room'. It think it's actually a tree house. The walls are made with unfinished wood. The rooms are long and narrow, like the rooms in my grandmother's old house. The old fashioned, flowery style even reminds me of my grandmother.

Now, I'm outside. I catch a glimpse of what seems to be an alley. Am I in OC?

I'm following my cousin C around, outside somewhere. I'm worried that she will embarrass herself. I guess we're at a park because I'm watching her walk up to a tube slide. She gets stuck inside, but is able to free herself. She's laughing it off.

***

Since my partner and I are moving into our first apartment soon, to a new state, I've been thinking about where my parents will stay when they come up to visit. They were pretty attached to the quaint mountain town we live in currently in. We're moving to the city, which we be less of a 'break' from the city life they live. PJ is a city not to far from where I currently reside, which, when they came up this way to visit for the first time, I told them to avoid, hence the reference.

Dream Moods suggests an unstable railing to possibly represent a need for support/assistance in some area. Rooms can, supposedly, represent hidden aspects of the subconscious mind. This particular room being familiar, cozy, and quaint could be telling. Embracing what's familiar, perhaps, due to a fear of change? Dreaming of a tree-house can apparently be indicative of a desire to 'escape' harsh realities. The alley seen could possibly indicate a feeling of missed opportunity or a sense of limited options. Given what's been on my mind lately, it certainly makes sense.

I think about my cousin from time to time, given that we were once so close and that I rarely hear from her other than in scattered facebook updates now. I think of our childhood together, from time to time, and wonder if she's ever overcome the self-esteem issues she'd always struggled with.These memories could have inspired the slide scene.

Idk what to call this

S&T are visiting the country. I think we (A and I) are meeting them at the airport. (I don't remember details, but it felt like an airport) When we greet them, I comment about how lucky they are to have such long vacation time.

Next thing I know, we are all at N&P's house. T and A are goofing off in P's office. I know they are just fooling around, but I perceive T to be sensitive and I worry that A may push it. This situation makes me very nervous.

Next thing I know, T comes to me, play crying, because A ripped the corner of his book cover. I glare at A and playfully scold him, "why did you do that?!" I hope this isn't the result of a conversation I thought might occur.

I am now in the hall with S. She makes a comment about a N's dog (I don't remember the comment, something about it being cute?) and I want to say something about how 'spirited' the eyes are (it made sense at the time). I didn't because, for some reason, I thought it might offend her (again, it made sense at the time).

Now, I am downstairs looking for alcohol to offer S&T. In particular, I'm looking for my Mike's hard lemon-aid stash (this should have struck me as odd, considering we are at N&P's). I spot empty bottles that look like mine in the magazine holder of the recliner. Did somebody seriously drink all of MY stuff?? As I zoom in to take a closer look, I see that it's beer; not mine.

Now I'm in the 'green room' where S,T, and A are watching a movie. I wish I had the drinks.

***
Nothing really interesting to analyze here, just a myriad of anxieties getting the better of me. FUCK YOU, DREAM NERVES!

Blonde Cousin, Y U No Red? (Derp)

I'm at what seems to be a wedding with K. (The room we walk into looks a bit like the reception area of the place where F&K married IRL). I remember that K had received a flirty text from his cousin (which didn't didn't strike me as odd) a little while ago. We find her at a table, she greets us. She looks older than I thought she was. She's blonde ... but I thought she was a red-head?

***

I was thinking about K as I laid down to sleep, so his appearance in the dream segment is no shock. I was recently reminded of his rather attractive cousin via facebook. 

I've been noticing everyone dying their hair darker/redder for the fall season, which makes me happy (Gentlemen may prefer blondes but Bee prefers those fiery reds!) Perhaps that thought triggered the blonde confusion.

I'm a bit rusty on recall, as I haven't recorded my dreams in over a year (not counting the three most recent posts, of course.) I'm only able to remember small segments lately. I aim to improve. Once my partner and I move into our new apartment, I will be out of work for a bit. I plan to take advantage of the more flexible sleeping schedule until something else comes along. That should help in getting back on track! ^_^

Ass Grab

I am in a dim room full of people. I feel like it is full of people, anyway. I think it's some sort of a party. (It reminds me of a room in the D-hue's church with elements of the funeral home where A's uncle's funeral was held). I see a fireplace on the wall in front of me. There is a banquet table in front of the fireplace and a woman sitting at the end. She looks antsy. She's wearing an old-fashioned dress, like something the women on Bonanza wear ... I wonder why? I have a weird feeling about her. I'm not sure what to expect.

I am walking toward her, expecting something to happen. I don't know what. As I walk passed, she grabs my ass. I look back at her and grin. I want to show her that it was welcome and for some reason the smile doesn't feel like enough, so I stick my tongue out and wink, anime style. (lol)

***

I have been feeling very socially anxious lately, for some reason, while also simultaneously wanting deeper connections with others. I've also been craving drunken lesbian play-time. o_^

A's mom watches "Bonanza" daily so, unfortunately, some stuff from it gets in my head. At least it was only the dress this time!

As for the room's resemblance to the funeral home/church room ... my contact with those friends on facebook likely triggered the memory.

As for the wink ... too much anime before bedtime, lol.


GOAL: Start setting three alarms again throughout the night for better recall.

Fear of Change

I'm looking out the window of my house. The view is better than I ever noticed before. A brick path that goes in a circle around a garden is in plain site. I assume it's M-town. It looks more like something from a college campus. Has this always been here? 

Now, I'm in the bathroom. (It resembles an old friend, C's, bathroom). I'm looking out the window and I see what seems like a waterfall. Am I this deep in the woods? How did I not appreciate this before? At second glance, I realize it's just a swimming pool with a realistic waterfall (We don't have a pool IRL. We do live in the woods, but in a community - not as secluded as this). The view is still beautiful.

***

My partner and I are moving to a new city soon. Many changes are ahead. Some I am aware of. Then there is this sense that there are changes that I can't predict. Change is scary, and while I was excited (and am still, on some levels) this fear is emerging because everything is becoming real. I'm sure these emotions are what inspired the appreciation of the current beauty that's slipping away. Of course, the dream beauty was largely exaggerated but the sentiment is the same.

College is also ahead, which may have inspired the campus-esque view of the front yard. As for the waterfalls, we do have them nearby, but not literally in my backyard. This is a beautiful area and I never really took advantage of it.

I think about C from time to time, since we are still friends on facebook. We are no longer close and have gone our separate ways in reality. I cherish some of our memories though and random facebook statuses bring some of them to mind.

the Coffee Quest

I'm on vacation with my parents in some sort of motel. I realize there is no coffeemaker in the room. My dad tells me that I have to walk outside to get to the coffee. My mom mentions it not being like the M. Country Motel. I think she is insinuating that it will be a longer walk. I remember the M. Motel ... the coffee was in the main cottage (a two minute walk).

I am now outside in what seems like a back alley. I pass a few strange shops - one of which seems mystical in nature (I can't remember the details). I'm suddenly feeling very anti-social. It's a little crowded. I'm thinking someone is going to try hitting on me and I'm really not in the mood. I just want coffee.

I'm at the end of a road leading to a main road where a 'parade' (I think?) is going on. I see T.W. helping with what looks like a float? Maybe it's something to do with 'the coffee house' (an evangelism outreach program my former church did and still does)? I ask her if she knows where I can find coffee. She points me in a direction, but she's not making sense. I continue walking.

I'm back at the motel, never having found it. My stomach hurts. I contribute this to the lack of coffee.

***

I got an e-mail from my mom after not having heard from her since they visited in December (when we stayed in the the M. Motel together) I tend to worry, when I don't hear from her, that she has somehow found out about my atheism and wants nothing to do with me all over again (we're only on good terms as of recently after six years of little to no communication). Thinking about their past visit is likely what inspired the setting.

I often feel anti-social at work when it comes to customers. I have days that I am fine making conversation and then days where everything from eye contact to explanations of a product make me nervous. I am always pleasant (for the most part) and rarely let these tendencies affect my happy facade, but they are there none-the-less. The nervousness in the dream came about the same way it does at work or any other time IRL - randomly and/or for silly reasons.

Facebook status updates about the coffee house (since I am still friends with some people from that church) probably influenced T.W.'s appearance and the coffee house. Perhaps my need for coffee triggered a memory of the most recent mention of the word?

Lack of coffee doesn't actually make my stomach hurt, but it does help keep me regular. When I don't have coffee, it does throw me off ... :-p I did wake up with an actual stomach ache, though. I also made myself a nice cup of coffee! ^_-

Rekindle the Flame (Tease)

I'm catching up with an old friend, J in some sort of casual dining area. It seems like an outdoor cafe. There is a stone patio and our table has an umbrella over top of it. She insists on paying, which makes me comfortable. She then suggests seeing a movie (I think it was a movie - this is a fuzzy detail) and plans to pay. At this point, she's at the bottom of the stone steps that lead off of the patio, while I am reluctantly waiting at the top. I can't afford the movie, but her generosity makes me uneasy. I feel as though I do not deserve her kindness. It's like old times. She's talking and laughing like nothing happened. For me, it's bittersweet. I am happy to reconnect with her but worried that it can't last.

***
I've been thinking about this old friend lately. She was one of the best I'd ever had. Sometimes, I wish we were still friends but given the fact that we bonded over our religosity and I am now an atheist, I don't think it could ever be the same. Not to mention, I left her out of that gradual transition completely, for the fear of being judged, which was painful for her. Even if she would of judged, it was unfair of me to not at least give her the chance to be apart of my life. It's a little too late at this point to fix and I am mostly at peace with the situation, but obviously my sub conscience still has a bit to say, hence the guilty tone.

It should also be noted that I'd always admired this friend for a number of reasons, but in this case, her intelligence. I'd always felt below her in that regard, and to seeing how far she's gone with school via facebook status updates while I've had to put higher learning off due to lack of finances makes me feel unsuccessful. I think that explains much of the uneasiness of this dream.


-- Goals --

☆ for more pleasant dreams: Kick negative thoughts out of my mind the moment they appear. I need to get out of the habit of comparing myself with others in waking life. I also need to do the same with thoughts connected to the past.

☆ for lucidity: Get back into the habit of questioning reality in waking life.

I just wanna be naked!

Az and I are in the back of a car. We seem to be alone so we start fooling around a little. (I can't remember exactly what we were doing, but I remember feeling free enough to fully release every scream and moan!)

Suddenly, a head appears in the front passengers seat - it's Az's brother, J. At this point, I realize that we are in what seems to be a mini van - I thought it was a car? Az's brother M is in the middle seat. How could they have been in here the whole time?! I'm very embarrassed, significantly more-so when M appears (irl I don't like being too cuddly with Az in front of people, but especially around those I perceive as lonely and/or bitter).

I'm not sure where this scene ends and the other begins, but next thing I can recall: I am in the bathroom naked, but with the door open (I usually do this irl when I first get out of the shower to let some cool air in - though, I'll only crack it when people are home) I freely walk out of the bathroom, completely in the naked, to dry off and enjoy the air (I also do this every chance I get, but only when home alone). All of a sudden, I realize the room is full of people (I don't remember who)! Why Didn't I check, I always check!

I find myself in the bathroom again. Although, this time, my cousin is standing in front of the mirror. (I didn't notice this in the dream but I guess I couldn't see her face in it. I should have been able to, considering the angle) I know it's her ... I don't know what she's doing exactly, but it looks as though she's applying make-up. For some reason I don't really mind her being in here with me (typically, I'm uncomfortable sharing the bathroom). She doesn't seem to mind either, or even notice that I'm here. It's more that she doesn't notice, which is strange.

At some point she turns around, still not acknowledging my presence. She has a man's face! Well, it is still her face, but she's wearing no make-up, has a mustache and goatee and her hair is shorter. (I don't think that was the case when I viewed her from behind - I thought I saw long hair?)

We're not in that bathroom anymore or even in the same house for that matter - we seem to be in a room that resembles my memory of her mother's room. In this scene, I watch as she walks out the front door, still silent and serious. I think she's also wearing men's clothing?

Now I am in what seems to be a school/daycare of some sort. I have two little girls of the age of 5 or so under my supervision - I don't think I am their teacher or regular supervisor. I don't know why I'm doing this (I like kids, but I don't like to be in charge of them).

I can't get the little blond girl to listen to me - while the other girl is well-mannered, the blond keeps luring her to run off. I get the feeling that there is some sort of disaster going on outside, so I have to keep them in here.

***

Since Az and I live with his family - and his very Christian mother who does not believe in 'premarital sex' - we seldom have any true privacy! When we are so lucky, I tend to be worried on some level we will be get caught or that I am being too loud ... so full release (emotional and physical) is rare.

I was telling Az a story about my cousin the other say - probably the reason for her appearance. The cross-dressing thing was likely inspired by a she-male photo I'd seen before bed!

Az's little nephew has been coming on Saturdays - he's around the age of 4, I think. I sometimes day dream about being good with kids, particularly him more recently. Little kids always tend to love me and I love the idea of connecting with them, but irl there is always anxiety attached.

what should I call this?

I'm in a room with a dark-skinned brunette girl (I think she is Indian) who is about my size. I'm excited because I think we're going to mess around, but I am too nervous to make any moves myself. I get the feeling she is going to take control.

She wants me to finger her (she doesn't communicate this in an obvious way, but somehow I just know - and it feels like she's guiding me forcefully, but only with her mind). I slip my finger inside of her, and her juices feel so hot that it almost burns. She is on fire! (I remember the hot feeling on my finger vividly) It's almost too hot (literally) for me too handle, but not quite.

She wants me to grope her. Again, it feels like she is forcing me, but physically and verbally, she is not. She must be controlling me with her mind?

I grab her breasts firmly, noting their size and shape; so perfectly round, and not quite a handful. At first, I wish there were more to grab, but then I realize her being smaller excites me.

Now she wants me to eat her out; she really wants it. I slip my tongue inside of her, and she feels even hotter. I can't get over how hot it feels on my tongue. How is this possible? It's almost hot enough to burn the tip, but not quite. I can handle it. I swirl my tongue inside of her hole. It's so wet! She squirts at random, with such force. I can feel it. I wonder how far it would shoot if my mouth weren't there to catch it? I can't take my tongue out though. Will she not let me?

I feel a 'squirming' sensation that for some reason gives me the impression that she is at her peak. I know she is going to squirt again, probably with even more force than before! I catch it with my mouth, tongue outside of her at this point. Now, I can taste it ...it has a different kind of taste than what I'm used to, though. Also a different texture; a bit thicker. I'm not sure that I like it, but I don't dislike it either. It's strong and kind of bitter. (this taste seemed so real!)

Now the Indian girl, my cousin Shayna, a random stranger (I think a man) and I are all in a bedroom that sort of resembles Bryn's room (a little girl I used to babysit irl). There is a bunk bed, and some of us are standing beside it; I think the Indian girl and I are sitting on the bottom bunk. There is a condom wrapper on the bed between us. (In the dream, I assumed that it was from when the Indian girl and I were messing around. Then, I realized that didn't make sense. Maybe it was from Shayna and the man with us?)

My uncle G appears in the door way. Immediately, he notices the condom wrapper (as if he has radar for that sort of thing) and points his judgmental finger toward it, angrily. I can't hear what he's saying, but I can tell he's spewing out religious superior crap. What an moron; why don't you go die already? He goes back into the hallway with my mom and his wife. I can't hear them, but I know they talking about how sinful we are. I roll my eyes.

Now, uncle G and aunt Em are on what I guess is their porch, rocking in their rocking chairs. It's a typical southern scene to me. I go up to them, standing next to the steps that lead up to the porch. Shanya and the Indian girl are behind me. The man may be standing back there too. I'm talking in my superior old man voice, spewing out some bible verses, mimicking him. I want a strong reaction from him. :) I get the feeling that everyone behind me is amused, but that this may be making Shanya a bit uncomfortable.

Strangely, uncle G is laughing with us. I expected he'd tell me that I'm going to hell or something? On the contrary, he seems to find this amusing; so unlike him. It's nice to see him laugh and not take himself so seriously, though. Could it be that he's mellowing out?

Now I am in what seems to be a college bathroom. There are shower stalls in front of me, and I think I had just gotten out of one. I need to pee, so I see there is a hole in the center of the floor. I think it's a drain, but without a cover. I squat down to pee in the hole.

I wait to hear my pee reach the bottom, but it takes a long time! I hope this is in fact a drain. I can hear a man's voice down there - oops! I hope I didn't pee on him. I think Allie (Az's dog) is trapped down there ... I can hear her barking. I get the feeling the man is helping her, so I am not worried.

I enter a bedroom that resembles my cousin Teena's old bedroom, only more spacious. I throw my towel off and sprawl out on the floor, completely naked. ahhhh -I could fall asleep like this!

Suddenly, the man from the hole walks in with Allie. At first, I am embarrassed, but then I am indifferent. Next thing I know, I am excited. I want him to look.

***

this post is full of shit ...

I am standing in Az's living room in front of the couch, and I see that he has fallen asleep with DJ (my ex's baby nephew) cuddled up to him. Az is kind of lying on his side while DJ is sprawled out against his stomach and legs. It's a cute sight to see, but I worry that Az may accidentally roll over onto Deej, so I need to pick him up off the couch. I realize that Az is kind of crushing him from the waist down ... how did I not notice that before? Did it just happen?

Now, I see that he doesn't even have a diaper on. The little punk must've taken it off. I smell something awful, but I don't see poop anywhere. I ask Az to get up, which he does, and sure enough, the poop falls off of the leg of his pants - gross. I realize that I also have a smudge on my new robe ... I guess from when I moved DJ from the couch. Man, I just washed this thing last night!

I switch into my old, ratty robe for now and realize that there is also poop on this one. (wft??) Why haven't I cleaned up the mess on the floor/couch yet? I need to put a new blanket on the couch and clean up the floor in the living room. (for some reason I didn't even think to clean up DJ and put a new diaper on him. In fact, I don't even know where he went).

Az hasn't even changed into some clean pants. I'm annoyed because he doesn't even care - he's just going to stay in them.

I still haven't cleaned up the messes. I need to get on that. Why do I keep procrastinating?

I'm over by the bathroom, I think to get a towel. There are some big, new, fancy white shelves where the closet used to be. There are new rags and towels, a variety of sizes and colors (yellow, blue and pink, all extremely vivid, stand out the most in my memory) folded nicely on almost every shelf. I guess this is what Az's mother has been doing while she had the house to herself. When did she buy all these new towels? I find it odd that it seems as though there is only a towel for each shelf - I think they could all fit in a couple so that the other shelves could be used for other things.

Something else happens here, but I've lost the details. I think it involves talking to a stranger who is for some reason in the house, by the new shelves.

Another distraction. I still have poop to clean up. ugh!

***

I'm not sure that I'll ever want kids (not any time soon, at least) but every once in a while, I will daydream about it; especially right after having been around children or talking with mother/father friends about their children. (I have this fear that I will not make a good mother which fuels in me a strong desire to be known as a good mother, hence the desire to dream up 'test' scenarios.) That's been the case, lately. On the way home from our road trip, my mind was bored, and at some point, I began imagining different scenes where I placed myself in different motherly positions - whether as an actual mother or simply babysitting. Certain aspects of those daydreams did appear in the dream.

I have not seen DJ in a long time since I am no longer with my ex, but I remember how good my ex was with him before he had a son of his own; I was thinking about it the other day when he sent me a video of his son laughing hysterically. This is probably the reason for DJ's appearance. Sometimes, I try and imagine how Az would be as a father (as I did at the xmas party with his family), which likely inspired the babysitting theme.

I got Az's mother new towels for xmas, so that might have something to do with the towels on the new shelves. I bought her beige towels because that's what matched the bathroom best, but I secretly wanted to buy the brightly colored ones. ;)

Az's mother was also planning to clean the house while everyone was gone for the day, so I wondered if there would be a huge difference by the time we got home. This may have inspired bright new shelves thing.

My annoyance with Az for not changing his pants may have something to do with the fact that he doesn't always change into clean clothes when I would (like after he'd been under his car changing his oil). It has never annoyed me irl but I do think about it for a brief moment ("he's not going to change? silly boys ... I would feel like I had to"), but perhaps it does on some level, and is one of those things that will surface once we've been together for a bit longer ... ;)

I've been feeling guilty because I've been using the holidays as an excuse to neglect my math, so perhaps that has something to do with the procrastination anxiety.

I had to wash my new robe because I wore it while I was sick this week- I felt like it must be full of germs. Yesterday, I had to wash it again because I got it dirty. I was a little annoyed because I didn't want to wear the old one - it's not as warm, soft and fuzzy. ;)

As for the shit ...

I don't feel like analyzing that one. :)

a Deli Snooze

I've lost many details of this one, but the latest scene I can recall: I am standing in the middle of the deli, broom in hand, getting ready to sweep when I look up and notice that someone is trying to get my attention from across the aisle, on the other side of the counter. It turns out to be the cute brunette (although she's tried every hair color, which in itself is somehow arousing to me?) from produce, and she has apparently been standing there for quite a few minutes now. She waved, giving me a look that I translated to, "finally you notice!" I think she just wanted to say good-bye (I guess her shift is over), since she literally just waved and then set off for the next aisle that leads to the front doors.

Next scene I can recall: I am lying on the prep table in the deli; apparently, I've fallen asleep here. I look over (the prep table is located behind the deli counter, and off to the side where customers don't usually notice immediately) and notice that there is a man, who somewhat resembles 'Borat', waiting to place an order. I don't know how long he's been standing there, or how long I've even been sleeping, but I jump up, and try to play it off. It's too late though - he already knows that I had fallen asleep. He's not angry at all though -- in fact, he seems thoroughly amused. I don't remember him commenting, but I do remember his smile and the sight of his laughter (I couldn't really hear anything).

As I walk toward the center of the deli (where we usually greet the customers, since there is so much crap on the counter to the far left and right), I think of how messy my hair seems to be. Ugh, how embarrassing. For some reason, I just can't open my eyes enough - it's too bright. I'm trying to, but I can't see well. This is so frustrating ...

***

I do not know the girl in produce, but Az's brother dated her for a short time, so I am aware of her bi-sexuality. Before I knew that about her, my ex worked in produce with her, so I'd noticed her even then; she definitely fit my idea of cute. Becoming aware of her bi-sexuality however has led me to wonder whether her smiles are polite or something a little more. ^_^

The other day, she needed the mop as I was putting it away. We exchanged friendly glaces and said hello, which probably opened the schema associated with my curiosity of her, inspiring the dream situation.

My eyes are actually very sensitive to light (too much exposure to florescent lighting gives me a slight headache). I've never had trouble seeing at work, but the light does affect me negatively.

Dream Moods suggests that my lack of sight could signify difficulties and/or errors in judgment.

the Math Test

I've just completed a spare math test that was printed up with a number of other tests and quizzes by Az's mother for her students (she is a teacher, irl, and because I am trying to prepare myself for college, she lets me use some of her materials to practice with). I don't think I am actually one of her students in the dream, even though she is treating me as if I am (irl Az is my tutor, when I need one). I realize that she is grading my work, which is a little awkward for me considering that a) Az usually does it and b) I'm always afraid that his mom is judging me; in this case, that she'd think I was stupid (she's a sweet lady irl; I just have mommy-issues.)

I am confident that I did well on the test, so lack of skill has nothing to do with the anxiety. I've been working on this stuff for weeks. I see her shaking her head though, as she grades. There is almost a look of disgust on her face and, even though she thinks I can't hear her, she is mumbling something under her breath. I can't make it out, but who mumbles anything good under their breath? Does she think I'm like one of her dumb students? (she works with troubled kids; she is not a mean person, and does not throw that word around; she is very encouraging. Most of the kids in her class struggle, but that's that the issue. She deals with a lot of know-it-alls that don't want to learn and live under the delusion they can go far in life without passing high-school; these are the kids she rants about. Clearly, I wouldn't fit into that category, but my fears are rarely rational.)

I don't remember her handing it to me, but next thing I know, I have the graded test in my hands. I see that there is a giant, red 'F' on it. I am confused, among other things. I knew this stuff. Did I spend all that time learning it wrong?

***

As excited as I am to finally go to college next year (I've wanted to for such a long time, but family issues, lack of money, lack of time, etc all got in the way) I am also scared to death. It's all connected to fear of a new situation and my lack of confidence, which are things that I struggle with on a daily basis. (Gotta beat those!! >.<)

As for my mommy-issues .... yea, they gotta go too. It's been confirmed time and time again that the majority of women I've come to know are nothing like my mother.

Grrr, this is crap! I'll be aiming for sex dream next time, so wish me luck and stay tuned!

This is a Dream! Oops ... is it Not?

Az and I are sitting up on a queen-sized bed, he on the edge closest to the center of the room while I am in the center of the bed cuddled up next to him. I realize that I do not know exactly where we are, and it occurs to me it looks like a motel room. Why am I in a motel - I don't remember traveling? Things are a little suspicious, and I figure that I must be dreaming.

Suddenly, there is another man on our bed next to me, relaxing on the side closest to the door and window (I am snuggling up to Az, who is still on my other side). His face is completely blurred, but I can see his long, light brown, mangled hair, scruffy beard growing in, and an ear piercing clearly. Even though I'd never met him in person and have never seen a picture, I am somehow certain that this is a particular online friend of mine.

I don't think it was the case moments ago, but at this point, the friend and I are conveniently under the covers. I slip my hand under sheets, reaching for his waist, and slip my hand down his pants to feel whether or not he is erect. I feel that he is, and slip my hand back out, I slide back over to my boyfriend, and look up at him. He seems oblivious to the situation.

I have an urge to pounce on my friend, but I'd want to know first that Az is okay with it. Then I recall: this is only a dream! I scoot over, closer to my friend, practically on top of him and nibble on his lower lip. At this point, I hope it's a dream, but wonder if perhaps I'd misjudged it.

I crawl back over to Az and, looking up at him, notice an interesting expression. It's certainly not anger, but I can't exactly read it. It's almost the playful "you're such a punk" look that he gives me so often. :)

***

It should be noted that I love my boyfriend and thoroughly enjoy our sex life together. It is also true that I have fantasies of others joining in our special time. ;) My boyfriend is not down irl, and that is cool with me. My mind still likes to have its own way. ;)

The theme was likely inspired by a 'motel fantasy' mentioned in a conversation between the online friend and I.

Redhead Lust ... and wtf?

I'm in the deli's walk-in cooler at work, either to cool off or put something away when Kami, the department manager, walks in with someone important (someone from corporate maybe?). I don't know what this is about or why she is here, but it is a little claustrophobic in that cooler with three people, so I plan to get what I need and get out. (I try to avoid talking to the higher ups anyway, if at all possible - they make me so nervous, even though they're usually a joke!)

From the corner of my eye, I can tell that she is looking in my direction, and rather frequently. This is nerve wracking, since I assume it must be about something I'm doing wrong or possibly that she plans on talking to me about something eventually. Unable anymore to avoid her glances, I finally look her way. I had noticed that she was hot previously, but being nervous, I was less focused on that. Now I realize, in full detail just how attracted I actually am to her. Trying to be discrete, I check her out at every chance I get.

Her hair is such a rich shade of red ... and long, too! So long in fact, that even as it is tied back into a ponytail, it still reaches her lower back. She has the perfect hair type to have long like that, too - thick and full of body. As much as I love long hair on women, due to it's fine texture, I have to keep mine only a bit below my shoulders. I guess I am a little envious!

She also has an amazing body! Wearing a modest, grey dress suit, her curves still manage to announce their presence. She's tall and lean (much taller than me, although that's not hard to do!) I don't remember much about her face, but her overall appearance combined with the strong, confident air about her made me think of Laura Croft, redhead version!

She doesn't say anything to me, just keeps looking my way, not even trying to hide it. At this point, I don't care if she notices me doing the same. Her face looks so serious every time, which is puzzling. I smile uncomfortably, while I wait to see what the point of this is. Kami has been talking to her the entire time, and she's done a mixture of listening and talking (going through the motions) sometimes, while looking directly at me (weird).

Suddenly, she has Kami leave the cooler. I'm not sure why, but it seems to be understood that she needs to have a private word with the 'sandwich specialist' ;). When the cooler door clicks shut, she doesn't waste a minute before she pounces on me!

She's really going at it - feeling me up, kissing my neck. I certainly don't resist, but it takes me a bit of warming up before I accept the situation enough to express my own desires. I don't remember the details of the transition, but at some point I am fiercely groping her, noting that her breasts are about my size, and biting her lip. To this she stops me briefly to exclaim with a smirk, "Oh, so you are a lesbian?!" At this point, I am wanting to explain that while I have bisexual urges, that I do have a boyfriend. I worry that if she thinks I am lesbian, she might assume I am single and hope for something more serious. I however push these thoughts aside, to enjoy the moment.

Somehow, we are now swimming in a swimming pool together (This is where the details get fuzzy). I don't remember as much here, but we are enjoying ourselves, just swimming, and flirting. The only thing I remember vividly is the touching ... especially rubbing up on her smooth, wet body with mine. At this point, I mention being bisexual and having a boyfriend - she doesn't seem to mind. In fact, I think he shows up at some point to say hello (I vaguely remember him appearing briefly, giving me an smirk that I took to mean, "I want you to give me all the details when you get home, punk!").

Now we are on one seems to be a small cliff, the pool is beneath us, but it looks more like a lake now. (was it always a lake? I was so sure it was a swimming pool?) There is a chubby, blond girl off in the distance who seems to be watching us - I get the impression that she's jealous of me. Is she perhaps a girlfriend/sex partner of my new redhead friend?

Now, this is where it gets a little creepy: I now see a little blond boy (four of five years old) sitting on the edge of the cliff - he looks a little out of it. Suddenly, the jealous, blond girl appears behind him and pushes him off the cliff! At this point, it's hardly a cliff (luckily!) ... we are much closer to the water than we were at first ... in fact, it's now more like a rock over water than an actual cliff. I dive in to save him, and pull him back onto the rock.

***

Sunday School Atheist

I am in Sunday School (or youth group?) with an old acquaintance, Melissa, whom I definitely do not know from church irl. The Sunday School teacher is Mr. Tahmores, my mother's former home-schooling supervisor irl. I was never too fond of him - he seemed like all the other pompous, religious asses that I've been more than familiar with for most of my life.

He was teaching a lesson, but I was not paying attention. Instead, Melissa and I were off in a corner, discussing a passage from the Bible that was apparently evidence of a biblical flaw. I was pointing it out to her - since she seems so interested, I end up spending the remainder of class explaining it to her.

By the end of the lesson, Mr. Tahmores seems to have noticed, at some point, that we were not paying attention to his lesson. He doesn't seem angry, however, which seems odd to me until I realize what he's up to.

Somehow, I come to realize that he doesn't know I am an atheist but is slightly aware that I have 'doubts' when it comes to Christianity. He arrogantly assumes that I am 'confused' about a certain passage and that that is what I was discussing with Melissa. He sees this as the perfect opportunity to 'clear up a doubt', which is why he, rather than angrily, 'giddily', seems to be getting off on this.

"Which passage are you two interested in, Tai?" I absolutely hate that stupid, egotistical twinkle in his eye. "I'd rather not say." He keeps urging me to tell him, using various Christianese comfort phrases to help me feel 'safe' enough to 'open up', but I continue to refuse: "No, it'd be better if I didn't."

Strange Bathroom

I am in the Wise bathroom, but it is very strange; there are no longer any stalls, and the toilets seem to be sitting on what looks like a giant, inflatable mattress (I remember it being red, and to me, slightly resembling the base of a moon bounce). There are two or three toilets (although, they do not look like regular toilets - they seem to be 'holes', with cloth around the edges, making a 'seat') and there is no privacy - the 'toilets' are all next to each other, in a row.

I don't know what the hell is going on here, but I am not comfortable with it. First of all, is this even sanitary? I wonder if this is 'punishment' to the customers for constantly making disgusting messes in here. Couldn't they make an even more disgusting mess in this type of setting, though?

Secondly, I need my privacy. There's is no way I am okay with anyone coming in here, watching what I do. I don't have to go to the bathroom, but I'd just like to freshen up. Usually, I do this in a stall - but I guess for now I'll just try and go to the bathroom, and freshen up at the same time - hopefully I'll have a few moments of peace before someone else comes in. I take out my mirror to fix my eyeliner as I sit on the toilet, and a little girl walks in with her mother, "Oh, what are you doing?" (I really hate when people watch me do my make-up; I also hate being bothered in the bathroom, in general.) - Annoying!

***

I am aware that bathroom dreams generally have to do with privacy frustrations in waking life, and that certainly applies in my current situation. They can also have to do with a need to vent certain emotions, while holding it in due to a fear of criticism for it, which also applies. Sometimes I feel that the bathroom is the one place I can relax (both at work and home), so to think of that one privacy being taken away would certainly be frustrating!

Blessing in Disguise

I'm in a certain bedroom (it doesn't look familiar) - I ran up here because I am upset/angry over something. Suddenly, Hiro drops in and sees that I am upset. I want to vent, but he leaves so quickly. At first, there is irritation covering the pain I feel because of what seems to be a lack of concern. Suddenly though, I am appreciative - isn't this what I wanted? This is evidence that he truly has moved on and has more important concerns than me. :)

***

Lately, I've been missing my ex. It's not that I miss being with him; Az is a much better match for me on so many levels. I do, however, miss the frequent contact - being updated on his life and reassured that he's doing well. He was my first and I care(d) about him very much; it was almost a maternal kind of care. (Odd - yes, I know!) I hear from him less and less, and while I wonder how he's been, I know that the lack of contact is a good thing.

Out for a Jog

Az and I are jogging up the main road of our community. As we are approaching the mailboxes, I see Wendy from a distance; I know it's her mostly because of her legs (for some reason, they were very distinguishing in the dream "I'd know those legs anywhere" - strange.) but also because I notice that Dick and their daughter, Bryn, are jogging beside her.

I ask Az to slow down a bit - I don't want to catch up to them. Just as I am hoping Bryn doesn't happen to notice me, I hear "mommy, I see Tai!", a little too close for comfort. As I look to my left to complain to Az, he is already gone; he must have escaped, leaving me to deal the awkwardness - bastard! ;) She runs toward me, we small-talk for a bit, and then she runs back up to Wendy. I am thankful that she didn't have any awkward questions or comments for me. It was odd - she was so casual and nonchalant about everything where she is usually miserable and overly dramatic.

Suddenly, I notice that Dick is jogging beside me; I am instantly pissed. I think he is trying catch up with me in his usual pathetic flirting style, where he obviously thinks that I MUST be into him, while blatantly oblivious of the body language that so obviously proves that I'd love nothing more than for lightening to come crashing of the sky, just to strike him ... >:)~

***

I don't know if this is a separate dream, but I assume it's connected, since I am still walking around the same community.

I am walking down a road - it seems like one in my community because of the hills, but the scenery is much more open, with less trees. The landscape more closely resembles what I've seen while visiting family down south than anything I've become familiar with, living up here.

I'm walking uphill. As I'm getting closer to the top, I realize that there is a blond girl ahead of me - I don't know her, but I guess she is a bit younger than me ... probably in her late teens. She is attractive from behind, but I try not to think that way, since she could be really young.

As I am catching up to her (not deliberately - she has just slowed down a lot while I've been going a steady pace), she has apparently been unaware of me, as my presence seems to have startled her. She gasped, and then stopped for a breather, bent over slightly with her hands on her knees, "God, you scared me!" she exclaims. I chuckle, and playfully apologize.

It now seems that we are good friends, as we are walking together to some random house - neither one of us knows whose house it is, but we decide it would be a good idea to knock on the door and introduce ourselves. At this point, I am noticing that this girl reminds me of a cool chick named Melissa that I used to work with who was also a little younger than me. As we approach the screen door, my little brother is somehow there with us - I get the impression he's only there because he thinks my new friend is hot.

I knock on the door; since it's a screen door, and the main door is open, and I can see inside. After the knock, a middle-aged woman rises from what seems like a hot tub, directly in front of us less than 10 feet from the door. She is coming out to answer in nothing but a bathing suit, which is just kind of awkward; it feels like we are interrupting.

She lets us in, and shows us to the living room, where her sons (I assume that's who they are) are all on computers, fully focused on whatever it is they're doing. She lets them know we are there, but they couldn't care less; one even gave us a slight attitude. Suddenly, I feel really stupid and question why we came in the first place; it seems like such a silly idea now. Oh, well. :)

This One Almost Made Me Late for Work!

I am in our living room, present, but not really participating in the conversation going on. Az's cousin, Belle, has stopped by for a visit. I recall hearing that she's entered a couple beauty pageants, and won some money being one of the runner ups. I am thinking about how I also heard that she cried over not winning - which I think is silly. If it were me, I'd rather not win .... take the money and run, is more like it! ;)

I am watching her from across the living room as she walks over to the dishwasher and back. She is very pretty - I notice her long, tan legs and big, dark, full hair, sparkling brown eyes, and her gorgeous smile. I compare her to myself and decide that, even though I do find myself attractive as well, she definitely fits the 'pageant' category where I do not (lol - I consider myself to be in 'porn-star category' - or maybe something more 'cutesy' ... but not a 'super model' or an 'American beauty). She's quite ditzy as well, and very happy all the time ... so even the personality fits. :)

At some point, Az and I are getting ready to leave for work, but Az says something that makes it seem as though we may not have to go in. I am confused by this, and insist that there is no reason we wouldn't have to. At some point, I hear my cell phone ringing but for some reason, I assume it's the house phone.(which is odd, considering the rings are totally different.)

We are now in a car(although, we are both passengers, which is odd, considering he usually drives) but I am not sure who is driving - I think it's his mom. I assume she is dropping us off at work, but then I notice that it is snowing heavily outside (maybe that is what Az meant as to why we might not have to go in? Why is it snowing in the summer, though?)

As the weather calms down, we arrive at our destination, which is my parent's house (Why are we HERE?) Az seems to walk in like it's no big deal, but I am trying to figure out how we got so far from home in what seems like a few minutes.(For some reason I didn't question the oddness of freely walking into my parents house when I haven't seen them in years.)

***

While I was half awake that morning, I overheard a conversation between Az's mom and brother about Belle (her beauty pageants and crying), which helped to produce some of the dream details. I must have dozed back off soon after that because the phone I heard in the dream was actually the alarm on my cell going off, irl Since the dream justified ignoring it in my mind, I was almost late for work! >.<