Boob Envy

I'm with JT and his wife at their house.I think I'm in the kitchen at this point, goofing off with JT. (I don't remember what we were doing). I get the feeling his wife is not pleased with me. Did I do something wrong? I think of offering to babysit for them while they go on a date but decide against it. If she hates me, she probably won't want me getting close with her child.

Now, we're in the living room. JT is sitting on this huge, comfy chair. I am sharing it with him, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that since it really is big enough for two. His wife has gone upstairs to take a shower. I take this opportunity to ask JT point blank, "does your wife hate me?" JT answers "no, she doesn't hate you ... she just doesn't like the effect your boobs have on me." (lol)

She comes downstairs from the bathroom with wet hair and sits down on the couch. She's so gorgeous even right out of the shower! Why is she jealous of me? I think about how hot she looks even with shorter hair (IRL, I prefer long hair on women, with a few exceptions).

I want to flirt with her a little, but I'm worried it won't be well-received. I'm silly with her instead, making some jokes, and she seems to be okay with me. We're getting along and laughing together.

***

IRL, I'm not sure how JT's wife feels about me. I worry that she doesn't like me, which is upsetting since I actually admire her. Wanting to babysit to allow them alone time was an attempt to show that I care about the health of their relationship. This idea has come up IRL too.  'Real life correcting' dreams are a relatively common theme for me and perhaps mentioning them to a friend in conversation yesterday inspired another?

As for the guilty theme, duh. :)  I tend to befriend men more easily than women, though I crave close friendships with women as well. It's just more difficult for me to be open with women, given my 'mommy-issues'. When I feel comfortable enough with a friend of either gender, I tend to be playful which can manifest as flirtatiousness. I rarely mean anything by it, but it has given the wrong impression before, and I do worry about how I am perceived by either the friend or their partner.

I've often been in the situation where I'd made the partner feel unnecessarily threatened and I tend to worry about that sort of thing. I really hate making anyone uncomfortable. I wish we could all get along and be equal friends, hence the dream attempt. However, my nervousness around other women particularly combined with their uncertainty about me often makes this rather difficult. In fantasy, I fix this sort of jealous situation with sex, by exploring the woman in an attempt to show her how amazing she really is, putting all focus on her, and making her the center of attention. I think that is why flirting  with the partner tends to be the initial reponse. Unfortunately, dream guilt often keeps the fantasy from playing out! >.<

As for the boob line ... I was thinking about how much of a boob-man A is before going to sleep.  Perhaps that had something to do with it. lol

Rekindle the Flame (Tease)

I'm catching up with an old friend, J in some sort of casual dining area. It seems like an outdoor cafe. There is a stone patio and our table has an umbrella over top of it. She insists on paying, which makes me comfortable. She then suggests seeing a movie (I think it was a movie - this is a fuzzy detail) and plans to pay. At this point, she's at the bottom of the stone steps that lead off of the patio, while I am reluctantly waiting at the top. I can't afford the movie, but her generosity makes me uneasy. I feel as though I do not deserve her kindness. It's like old times. She's talking and laughing like nothing happened. For me, it's bittersweet. I am happy to reconnect with her but worried that it can't last.

***
I've been thinking about this old friend lately. She was one of the best I'd ever had. Sometimes, I wish we were still friends but given the fact that we bonded over our religosity and I am now an atheist, I don't think it could ever be the same. Not to mention, I left her out of that gradual transition completely, for the fear of being judged, which was painful for her. Even if she would of judged, it was unfair of me to not at least give her the chance to be apart of my life. It's a little too late at this point to fix and I am mostly at peace with the situation, but obviously my sub conscience still has a bit to say, hence the guilty tone.

It should also be noted that I'd always admired this friend for a number of reasons, but in this case, her intelligence. I'd always felt below her in that regard, and to seeing how far she's gone with school via facebook status updates while I've had to put higher learning off due to lack of finances makes me feel unsuccessful. I think that explains much of the uneasiness of this dream.


-- Goals --

☆ for more pleasant dreams: Kick negative thoughts out of my mind the moment they appear. I need to get out of the habit of comparing myself with others in waking life. I also need to do the same with thoughts connected to the past.

☆ for lucidity: Get back into the habit of questioning reality in waking life.

this post is full of shit ...

I am standing in Az's living room in front of the couch, and I see that he has fallen asleep with DJ (my ex's baby nephew) cuddled up to him. Az is kind of lying on his side while DJ is sprawled out against his stomach and legs. It's a cute sight to see, but I worry that Az may accidentally roll over onto Deej, so I need to pick him up off the couch. I realize that Az is kind of crushing him from the waist down ... how did I not notice that before? Did it just happen?

Now, I see that he doesn't even have a diaper on. The little punk must've taken it off. I smell something awful, but I don't see poop anywhere. I ask Az to get up, which he does, and sure enough, the poop falls off of the leg of his pants - gross. I realize that I also have a smudge on my new robe ... I guess from when I moved DJ from the couch. Man, I just washed this thing last night!

I switch into my old, ratty robe for now and realize that there is also poop on this one. (wft??) Why haven't I cleaned up the mess on the floor/couch yet? I need to put a new blanket on the couch and clean up the floor in the living room. (for some reason I didn't even think to clean up DJ and put a new diaper on him. In fact, I don't even know where he went).

Az hasn't even changed into some clean pants. I'm annoyed because he doesn't even care - he's just going to stay in them.

I still haven't cleaned up the messes. I need to get on that. Why do I keep procrastinating?

I'm over by the bathroom, I think to get a towel. There are some big, new, fancy white shelves where the closet used to be. There are new rags and towels, a variety of sizes and colors (yellow, blue and pink, all extremely vivid, stand out the most in my memory) folded nicely on almost every shelf. I guess this is what Az's mother has been doing while she had the house to herself. When did she buy all these new towels? I find it odd that it seems as though there is only a towel for each shelf - I think they could all fit in a couple so that the other shelves could be used for other things.

Something else happens here, but I've lost the details. I think it involves talking to a stranger who is for some reason in the house, by the new shelves.

Another distraction. I still have poop to clean up. ugh!

***

I'm not sure that I'll ever want kids (not any time soon, at least) but every once in a while, I will daydream about it; especially right after having been around children or talking with mother/father friends about their children. (I have this fear that I will not make a good mother which fuels in me a strong desire to be known as a good mother, hence the desire to dream up 'test' scenarios.) That's been the case, lately. On the way home from our road trip, my mind was bored, and at some point, I began imagining different scenes where I placed myself in different motherly positions - whether as an actual mother or simply babysitting. Certain aspects of those daydreams did appear in the dream.

I have not seen DJ in a long time since I am no longer with my ex, but I remember how good my ex was with him before he had a son of his own; I was thinking about it the other day when he sent me a video of his son laughing hysterically. This is probably the reason for DJ's appearance. Sometimes, I try and imagine how Az would be as a father (as I did at the xmas party with his family), which likely inspired the babysitting theme.

I got Az's mother new towels for xmas, so that might have something to do with the towels on the new shelves. I bought her beige towels because that's what matched the bathroom best, but I secretly wanted to buy the brightly colored ones. ;)

Az's mother was also planning to clean the house while everyone was gone for the day, so I wondered if there would be a huge difference by the time we got home. This may have inspired bright new shelves thing.

My annoyance with Az for not changing his pants may have something to do with the fact that he doesn't always change into clean clothes when I would (like after he'd been under his car changing his oil). It has never annoyed me irl but I do think about it for a brief moment ("he's not going to change? silly boys ... I would feel like I had to"), but perhaps it does on some level, and is one of those things that will surface once we've been together for a bit longer ... ;)

I've been feeling guilty because I've been using the holidays as an excuse to neglect my math, so perhaps that has something to do with the procrastination anxiety.

I had to wash my new robe because I wore it while I was sick this week- I felt like it must be full of germs. Yesterday, I had to wash it again because I got it dirty. I was a little annoyed because I didn't want to wear the old one - it's not as warm, soft and fuzzy. ;)

As for the shit ...

I don't feel like analyzing that one. :)

Blessing in Disguise

I'm in a certain bedroom (it doesn't look familiar) - I ran up here because I am upset/angry over something. Suddenly, Hiro drops in and sees that I am upset. I want to vent, but he leaves so quickly. At first, there is irritation covering the pain I feel because of what seems to be a lack of concern. Suddenly though, I am appreciative - isn't this what I wanted? This is evidence that he truly has moved on and has more important concerns than me. :)

***

Lately, I've been missing my ex. It's not that I miss being with him; Az is a much better match for me on so many levels. I do, however, miss the frequent contact - being updated on his life and reassured that he's doing well. He was my first and I care(d) about him very much; it was almost a maternal kind of care. (Odd - yes, I know!) I hear from him less and less, and while I wonder how he's been, I know that the lack of contact is a good thing.

Out for a Jog

Az and I are jogging up the main road of our community. As we are approaching the mailboxes, I see Wendy from a distance; I know it's her mostly because of her legs (for some reason, they were very distinguishing in the dream "I'd know those legs anywhere" - strange.) but also because I notice that Dick and their daughter, Bryn, are jogging beside her.

I ask Az to slow down a bit - I don't want to catch up to them. Just as I am hoping Bryn doesn't happen to notice me, I hear "mommy, I see Tai!", a little too close for comfort. As I look to my left to complain to Az, he is already gone; he must have escaped, leaving me to deal the awkwardness - bastard! ;) She runs toward me, we small-talk for a bit, and then she runs back up to Wendy. I am thankful that she didn't have any awkward questions or comments for me. It was odd - she was so casual and nonchalant about everything where she is usually miserable and overly dramatic.

Suddenly, I notice that Dick is jogging beside me; I am instantly pissed. I think he is trying catch up with me in his usual pathetic flirting style, where he obviously thinks that I MUST be into him, while blatantly oblivious of the body language that so obviously proves that I'd love nothing more than for lightening to come crashing of the sky, just to strike him ... >:)~

***

I don't know if this is a separate dream, but I assume it's connected, since I am still walking around the same community.

I am walking down a road - it seems like one in my community because of the hills, but the scenery is much more open, with less trees. The landscape more closely resembles what I've seen while visiting family down south than anything I've become familiar with, living up here.

I'm walking uphill. As I'm getting closer to the top, I realize that there is a blond girl ahead of me - I don't know her, but I guess she is a bit younger than me ... probably in her late teens. She is attractive from behind, but I try not to think that way, since she could be really young.

As I am catching up to her (not deliberately - she has just slowed down a lot while I've been going a steady pace), she has apparently been unaware of me, as my presence seems to have startled her. She gasped, and then stopped for a breather, bent over slightly with her hands on her knees, "God, you scared me!" she exclaims. I chuckle, and playfully apologize.

It now seems that we are good friends, as we are walking together to some random house - neither one of us knows whose house it is, but we decide it would be a good idea to knock on the door and introduce ourselves. At this point, I am noticing that this girl reminds me of a cool chick named Melissa that I used to work with who was also a little younger than me. As we approach the screen door, my little brother is somehow there with us - I get the impression he's only there because he thinks my new friend is hot.

I knock on the door; since it's a screen door, and the main door is open, and I can see inside. After the knock, a middle-aged woman rises from what seems like a hot tub, directly in front of us less than 10 feet from the door. She is coming out to answer in nothing but a bathing suit, which is just kind of awkward; it feels like we are interrupting.

She lets us in, and shows us to the living room, where her sons (I assume that's who they are) are all on computers, fully focused on whatever it is they're doing. She lets them know we are there, but they couldn't care less; one even gave us a slight attitude. Suddenly, I feel really stupid and question why we came in the first place; it seems like such a silly idea now. Oh, well. :)

Deli Encounter :)

I'm behind the deli counter, trying to get away with not serving the next customer by making my way to the back area, when the next customer, a younger woman, makes a sarcastic comment. I play it off and resist the urge to snap at her for being so rude, when I realize that she is Colie, Hiro's little sister. I am surprised at how her face has cleared up ... and she's lost quite a bit of weight (the last time I saw her was right after she gave birth to her second child).

It's been a long time, and I am happy to see her - I assume that Mara (her mother) is around also, which makes me a little nervous. I'd like to see her as well and chat for a bit, but I am worried that she will make negative comments about my no longer being with her son (she's the type to say what she wants despite the feelings of others, and she's known to start drama for the hell of it).

For some reason, there is a couch over by the cheese island, which seems to be shifted further to the right (on the other side of the sandwich case) as opposed to real life, where it is in between the sandwich case and the Italian case. It is kind of 'secluded' somehow (or at least it seems that way, even though it shouldn't?), and next thing I know, I am on the couch catching up with Mara (I think Colie is looking around the store at certain points; otherwise, she's sitting there with us, just listening.)

Surprisingly, Mara doesn't have anything negative to say pertaining to Hiro and I. I think she was talking shit about other people, but that is to be expected. :) I don't remember exactly what was shared, bit they were typical Mara rants.

At some points, Jovianne (the FS leader) pops in, I suppose to fix the cheese island. At one point, I was laying on the couch with my feet on the island, and she snapped at me to get them off (She's usually very happy and perky, but she gets in her moods ...) I vaguely remember Joel(the store manager) looking in our direction at certain points. I feel like he is 'watching' me, but am not bothered by it at all. For some reason however, I get the feeling that I am doing something wrong or that I will get in trouble for associating with Mara. (??)

***

She Loves Me Not ... She Loves Me? o_0

I am in the basement of my parent's house (quite an an odd setting, for me - but I think, in the dream, it's where I live). First thing I can recall is laying on the pull-out sofa bed that is against the wall where a bookcase used to be (at least, the last time I was there) with Eadoin and a friend (I'm not sure if she is more Eadoin's friend or mine, but I am uneasy around them both).

At some point, it seems as though Eadoin and Rook are back together as a couple (irl, they broke up a while ago, and she has long since moved on). I get the idea that since Eadoin is willing to give Rook another chance, that she is also willing to give me another chance (irl, I assume that she blames and strongly dislikes me for her idea of what went wrong in their relationship). There is a scene I can recall where they are kissing, which is mostly what gives me the impression that they are back together.

On the sofa-bed, we are talking and goofing around. Her personality seems more like my cousin, Moxie's, but then again, Eadoin was always rather timid and reserved around me. Her drunken personality was however, similar to Moxie's actual personality, which could be where the connection was drawn. I find myself wishing I could feel safe enough to truly express myself, but it's difficult. I think it's because I am wary of the situation in general - why is she okay with me all of a sudden? Why is she so 'free' around me?

As I catch a few glimpses of her, I notice that she has slight tan lines on her back, but that her legs are still very pale. With this, I wonder if perhaps being tan in the summer is not as important to her as it is to me. In another scene, where she is walking by the deli with Rook, I notice that she looks wider from the back than she used to - it seems like she has gained some weight. (A fellow co-worker has put on a lot of weight as of recently, which has been disappointing to me, considering she was once very attractive. Because this coworker has always slightly resembled Eadoine in my mind, perhaps I projected this onto her?)

Back on the sofa-bed, I think of asking if everything is really okay (with our situation) for reassurance, but decide against it. I also think of asking what went wrong in the relationship she seems to have broke off in order to go back to Rook, but figure it's not my place. I think at this point, I am trying to 'be free' in the only way I know how... so, I playfully plant a kiss on her mouth, biting her lower lip, hoping to initiate some action ^_-. She smiles and giggles, but backs away, seeming a little uncomfortable with that sort of thing.

At this point, I realize that I had shut the basement door (since I had sexual thoughts at the time, I remembered where I was (my parent's house) and worried that I'd get in trouble). I remember that my parents knew nothing of my 'lesbian tendencies', so I realize that, as long as there are no boys with us, there is nothing to worry about.

Now, we (Eadoine, the friend, and I) are all sitting on the floor by the television. I don't remember what was said, but I feel like Eadoine is being very bossy. Something on the tv reminds me of the manga series I've recently started reading, Black Lagoon, and so I mention it to her. Surprisingly, she seems interested. I don't take her to be much of a manga-chick - maybe we have more in common than I thought? I decide to go upstairs to my bedroom to retrieve the first two books of the series for her.

Rook is in my bedroom, for some reason - I'm a little surprised to find him there, but not terribly (it should have been a little creepy for me). As I am grabbing the mangas, he comes up behind me and lightly nibbles on my neck. I let him do it for a moment, because it's just the right spot, but when it 'clicks' what is happening, I run back downstairs ... "what is with him - didn't he learn his lesson when he lost her the last time he fooled around?!"

***

This dream took place at my parent's likely because they have been on my mind more lately, as my mother and I are trying to 'mend' our relationship (or lack thereof).

Oh, the fun I could have, if only I could learn to free myself of the guilt and worry by becoming lucid! >.<

Caught with his Pants Down!

I'm in a small bedroom (not one that I can recall from real life) with Eidan - I think it's supposed to be his. Even though its not set up the same, it somehow reminds me of mine and Deban's (an ex) room when we were living with his father. I'm sitting in the corner almost behind the mostly closed door while he is sitting somewhat diagonal from me a good distance away, playing a video game.

All of a sudden, Eidan is standing in front of me with his penis out, fully erect and in hand. I zoom in on it, and notice that it's much larger than it should be. I love it when he's so up front with his sexual energy because usually he's so calm and controlled - it's really turning me on, but I'm worried that his penis it too big for me - "how is that going to fit inside of me?"

As I am now on my back and my pants are somehow already down, he goes to shove it in. I'm begging him to play with me first, as I want to make sure I'm at my wettest state to prevent the pain I expect to experience.

He doesn't respond, obviously not wanting to play! He instantly rams it inside as far as it will go, and to my surprise, it doesn't hurt; not in a bad way at least. The feeling is odd, but in a good way ... I can tell it's such a tight squeeze, but it's only the pressure that I feel. It's doesn't feel like normal sex, but it's still feels awesome!

I'm trying so hard to control myself by biting down on my own fist, but loud squeaks and moans still manage to escape from my mouth. They sound so loud, but I don't understand how they can be. I'm afraid Eidan's mom is going to catch us, and I can somehow tell that he's thinking the same thing.

We are so close to the door (literally right beside it) that we are able to quickly notice it slowly opening. It was never all the way shut, likely because Eidan's mom doesn't like us to be completely out of view. (Even though Eidan and I are both adults, his mother has religious convictions and is very firm about not allowing that sort of thing under her roof.)

Just before the door opens halfway, Eidan jumps off of me quicker than he could possibly move irl and is back against the other wall playing his game by the time she enters the room with clean laundry. I don't think he had enough time to pull his pants up, because I see that he is now under the blue blanket that I usually sleep with. He pulled out so quickly that my vagina feels like it's 'in shock' (lol) - it felt like he was still inside, even though he obviously wasn't - it was strange.

I don't remember pulling my pants up, but somehow I am totally decent. I'm a little sweaty, but I'm pulling that off by pretending that I just finished a work out (I don't know how I was pretending that as I was actually just sitting there, but in the dream I knew it was a believable front). Somehow, there is now a pile of dirty towels next to me and I am using one to wipe the sweat from my forehead as she is walking toward Eidan with a pile of folded clothes.

I feel like she must suspect something, since she seems annoyed. For some reason, she puts the clothes down and looks under the blanket he is using to cover the fact that he's indecent. Suddenly, she's going back and fourth between yelling and grunting angry remarks under her breath.

For some reason, I get the idea that she assumes he's been masturbating rather than having sex. (I don't know if that was a blind assumption or if it was based on one of her comments. I don't actually remember her comments.)

***