Fear of Change

I'm looking out the window of my house. The view is better than I ever noticed before. A brick path that goes in a circle around a garden is in plain site. I assume it's M-town. It looks more like something from a college campus. Has this always been here? 

Now, I'm in the bathroom. (It resembles an old friend, C's, bathroom). I'm looking out the window and I see what seems like a waterfall. Am I this deep in the woods? How did I not appreciate this before? At second glance, I realize it's just a swimming pool with a realistic waterfall (We don't have a pool IRL. We do live in the woods, but in a community - not as secluded as this). The view is still beautiful.

***

My partner and I are moving to a new city soon. Many changes are ahead. Some I am aware of. Then there is this sense that there are changes that I can't predict. Change is scary, and while I was excited (and am still, on some levels) this fear is emerging because everything is becoming real. I'm sure these emotions are what inspired the appreciation of the current beauty that's slipping away. Of course, the dream beauty was largely exaggerated but the sentiment is the same.

College is also ahead, which may have inspired the campus-esque view of the front yard. As for the waterfalls, we do have them nearby, but not literally in my backyard. This is a beautiful area and I never really took advantage of it.

I think about C from time to time, since we are still friends on facebook. We are no longer close and have gone our separate ways in reality. I cherish some of our memories though and random facebook statuses bring some of them to mind.

this post is full of shit ...

I am standing in Az's living room in front of the couch, and I see that he has fallen asleep with DJ (my ex's baby nephew) cuddled up to him. Az is kind of lying on his side while DJ is sprawled out against his stomach and legs. It's a cute sight to see, but I worry that Az may accidentally roll over onto Deej, so I need to pick him up off the couch. I realize that Az is kind of crushing him from the waist down ... how did I not notice that before? Did it just happen?

Now, I see that he doesn't even have a diaper on. The little punk must've taken it off. I smell something awful, but I don't see poop anywhere. I ask Az to get up, which he does, and sure enough, the poop falls off of the leg of his pants - gross. I realize that I also have a smudge on my new robe ... I guess from when I moved DJ from the couch. Man, I just washed this thing last night!

I switch into my old, ratty robe for now and realize that there is also poop on this one. (wft??) Why haven't I cleaned up the mess on the floor/couch yet? I need to put a new blanket on the couch and clean up the floor in the living room. (for some reason I didn't even think to clean up DJ and put a new diaper on him. In fact, I don't even know where he went).

Az hasn't even changed into some clean pants. I'm annoyed because he doesn't even care - he's just going to stay in them.

I still haven't cleaned up the messes. I need to get on that. Why do I keep procrastinating?

I'm over by the bathroom, I think to get a towel. There are some big, new, fancy white shelves where the closet used to be. There are new rags and towels, a variety of sizes and colors (yellow, blue and pink, all extremely vivid, stand out the most in my memory) folded nicely on almost every shelf. I guess this is what Az's mother has been doing while she had the house to herself. When did she buy all these new towels? I find it odd that it seems as though there is only a towel for each shelf - I think they could all fit in a couple so that the other shelves could be used for other things.

Something else happens here, but I've lost the details. I think it involves talking to a stranger who is for some reason in the house, by the new shelves.

Another distraction. I still have poop to clean up. ugh!

***

I'm not sure that I'll ever want kids (not any time soon, at least) but every once in a while, I will daydream about it; especially right after having been around children or talking with mother/father friends about their children. (I have this fear that I will not make a good mother which fuels in me a strong desire to be known as a good mother, hence the desire to dream up 'test' scenarios.) That's been the case, lately. On the way home from our road trip, my mind was bored, and at some point, I began imagining different scenes where I placed myself in different motherly positions - whether as an actual mother or simply babysitting. Certain aspects of those daydreams did appear in the dream.

I have not seen DJ in a long time since I am no longer with my ex, but I remember how good my ex was with him before he had a son of his own; I was thinking about it the other day when he sent me a video of his son laughing hysterically. This is probably the reason for DJ's appearance. Sometimes, I try and imagine how Az would be as a father (as I did at the xmas party with his family), which likely inspired the babysitting theme.

I got Az's mother new towels for xmas, so that might have something to do with the towels on the new shelves. I bought her beige towels because that's what matched the bathroom best, but I secretly wanted to buy the brightly colored ones. ;)

Az's mother was also planning to clean the house while everyone was gone for the day, so I wondered if there would be a huge difference by the time we got home. This may have inspired bright new shelves thing.

My annoyance with Az for not changing his pants may have something to do with the fact that he doesn't always change into clean clothes when I would (like after he'd been under his car changing his oil). It has never annoyed me irl but I do think about it for a brief moment ("he's not going to change? silly boys ... I would feel like I had to"), but perhaps it does on some level, and is one of those things that will surface once we've been together for a bit longer ... ;)

I've been feeling guilty because I've been using the holidays as an excuse to neglect my math, so perhaps that has something to do with the procrastination anxiety.

I had to wash my new robe because I wore it while I was sick this week- I felt like it must be full of germs. Yesterday, I had to wash it again because I got it dirty. I was a little annoyed because I didn't want to wear the old one - it's not as warm, soft and fuzzy. ;)

As for the shit ...

I don't feel like analyzing that one. :)

Redhead Lust ... and wtf?

I'm in the deli's walk-in cooler at work, either to cool off or put something away when Kami, the department manager, walks in with someone important (someone from corporate maybe?). I don't know what this is about or why she is here, but it is a little claustrophobic in that cooler with three people, so I plan to get what I need and get out. (I try to avoid talking to the higher ups anyway, if at all possible - they make me so nervous, even though they're usually a joke!)

From the corner of my eye, I can tell that she is looking in my direction, and rather frequently. This is nerve wracking, since I assume it must be about something I'm doing wrong or possibly that she plans on talking to me about something eventually. Unable anymore to avoid her glances, I finally look her way. I had noticed that she was hot previously, but being nervous, I was less focused on that. Now I realize, in full detail just how attracted I actually am to her. Trying to be discrete, I check her out at every chance I get.

Her hair is such a rich shade of red ... and long, too! So long in fact, that even as it is tied back into a ponytail, it still reaches her lower back. She has the perfect hair type to have long like that, too - thick and full of body. As much as I love long hair on women, due to it's fine texture, I have to keep mine only a bit below my shoulders. I guess I am a little envious!

She also has an amazing body! Wearing a modest, grey dress suit, her curves still manage to announce their presence. She's tall and lean (much taller than me, although that's not hard to do!) I don't remember much about her face, but her overall appearance combined with the strong, confident air about her made me think of Laura Croft, redhead version!

She doesn't say anything to me, just keeps looking my way, not even trying to hide it. At this point, I don't care if she notices me doing the same. Her face looks so serious every time, which is puzzling. I smile uncomfortably, while I wait to see what the point of this is. Kami has been talking to her the entire time, and she's done a mixture of listening and talking (going through the motions) sometimes, while looking directly at me (weird).

Suddenly, she has Kami leave the cooler. I'm not sure why, but it seems to be understood that she needs to have a private word with the 'sandwich specialist' ;). When the cooler door clicks shut, she doesn't waste a minute before she pounces on me!

She's really going at it - feeling me up, kissing my neck. I certainly don't resist, but it takes me a bit of warming up before I accept the situation enough to express my own desires. I don't remember the details of the transition, but at some point I am fiercely groping her, noting that her breasts are about my size, and biting her lip. To this she stops me briefly to exclaim with a smirk, "Oh, so you are a lesbian?!" At this point, I am wanting to explain that while I have bisexual urges, that I do have a boyfriend. I worry that if she thinks I am lesbian, she might assume I am single and hope for something more serious. I however push these thoughts aside, to enjoy the moment.

Somehow, we are now swimming in a swimming pool together (This is where the details get fuzzy). I don't remember as much here, but we are enjoying ourselves, just swimming, and flirting. The only thing I remember vividly is the touching ... especially rubbing up on her smooth, wet body with mine. At this point, I mention being bisexual and having a boyfriend - she doesn't seem to mind. In fact, I think he shows up at some point to say hello (I vaguely remember him appearing briefly, giving me an smirk that I took to mean, "I want you to give me all the details when you get home, punk!").

Now we are on one seems to be a small cliff, the pool is beneath us, but it looks more like a lake now. (was it always a lake? I was so sure it was a swimming pool?) There is a chubby, blond girl off in the distance who seems to be watching us - I get the impression that she's jealous of me. Is she perhaps a girlfriend/sex partner of my new redhead friend?

Now, this is where it gets a little creepy: I now see a little blond boy (four of five years old) sitting on the edge of the cliff - he looks a little out of it. Suddenly, the jealous, blond girl appears behind him and pushes him off the cliff! At this point, it's hardly a cliff (luckily!) ... we are much closer to the water than we were at first ... in fact, it's now more like a rock over water than an actual cliff. I dive in to save him, and pull him back onto the rock.

***

Caught with his Pants Down!

I'm in a small bedroom (not one that I can recall from real life) with Eidan - I think it's supposed to be his. Even though its not set up the same, it somehow reminds me of mine and Deban's (an ex) room when we were living with his father. I'm sitting in the corner almost behind the mostly closed door while he is sitting somewhat diagonal from me a good distance away, playing a video game.

All of a sudden, Eidan is standing in front of me with his penis out, fully erect and in hand. I zoom in on it, and notice that it's much larger than it should be. I love it when he's so up front with his sexual energy because usually he's so calm and controlled - it's really turning me on, but I'm worried that his penis it too big for me - "how is that going to fit inside of me?"

As I am now on my back and my pants are somehow already down, he goes to shove it in. I'm begging him to play with me first, as I want to make sure I'm at my wettest state to prevent the pain I expect to experience.

He doesn't respond, obviously not wanting to play! He instantly rams it inside as far as it will go, and to my surprise, it doesn't hurt; not in a bad way at least. The feeling is odd, but in a good way ... I can tell it's such a tight squeeze, but it's only the pressure that I feel. It's doesn't feel like normal sex, but it's still feels awesome!

I'm trying so hard to control myself by biting down on my own fist, but loud squeaks and moans still manage to escape from my mouth. They sound so loud, but I don't understand how they can be. I'm afraid Eidan's mom is going to catch us, and I can somehow tell that he's thinking the same thing.

We are so close to the door (literally right beside it) that we are able to quickly notice it slowly opening. It was never all the way shut, likely because Eidan's mom doesn't like us to be completely out of view. (Even though Eidan and I are both adults, his mother has religious convictions and is very firm about not allowing that sort of thing under her roof.)

Just before the door opens halfway, Eidan jumps off of me quicker than he could possibly move irl and is back against the other wall playing his game by the time she enters the room with clean laundry. I don't think he had enough time to pull his pants up, because I see that he is now under the blue blanket that I usually sleep with. He pulled out so quickly that my vagina feels like it's 'in shock' (lol) - it felt like he was still inside, even though he obviously wasn't - it was strange.

I don't remember pulling my pants up, but somehow I am totally decent. I'm a little sweaty, but I'm pulling that off by pretending that I just finished a work out (I don't know how I was pretending that as I was actually just sitting there, but in the dream I knew it was a believable front). Somehow, there is now a pile of dirty towels next to me and I am using one to wipe the sweat from my forehead as she is walking toward Eidan with a pile of folded clothes.

I feel like she must suspect something, since she seems annoyed. For some reason, she puts the clothes down and looks under the blanket he is using to cover the fact that he's indecent. Suddenly, she's going back and fourth between yelling and grunting angry remarks under her breath.

For some reason, I get the idea that she assumes he's been masturbating rather than having sex. (I don't know if that was a blind assumption or if it was based on one of her comments. I don't actually remember her comments.)

***