Boob Envy

I'm with JT and his wife at their house.I think I'm in the kitchen at this point, goofing off with JT. (I don't remember what we were doing). I get the feeling his wife is not pleased with me. Did I do something wrong? I think of offering to babysit for them while they go on a date but decide against it. If she hates me, she probably won't want me getting close with her child.

Now, we're in the living room. JT is sitting on this huge, comfy chair. I am sharing it with him, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that since it really is big enough for two. His wife has gone upstairs to take a shower. I take this opportunity to ask JT point blank, "does your wife hate me?" JT answers "no, she doesn't hate you ... she just doesn't like the effect your boobs have on me." (lol)

She comes downstairs from the bathroom with wet hair and sits down on the couch. She's so gorgeous even right out of the shower! Why is she jealous of me? I think about how hot she looks even with shorter hair (IRL, I prefer long hair on women, with a few exceptions).

I want to flirt with her a little, but I'm worried it won't be well-received. I'm silly with her instead, making some jokes, and she seems to be okay with me. We're getting along and laughing together.

***

IRL, I'm not sure how JT's wife feels about me. I worry that she doesn't like me, which is upsetting since I actually admire her. Wanting to babysit to allow them alone time was an attempt to show that I care about the health of their relationship. This idea has come up IRL too.  'Real life correcting' dreams are a relatively common theme for me and perhaps mentioning them to a friend in conversation yesterday inspired another?

As for the guilty theme, duh. :)  I tend to befriend men more easily than women, though I crave close friendships with women as well. It's just more difficult for me to be open with women, given my 'mommy-issues'. When I feel comfortable enough with a friend of either gender, I tend to be playful which can manifest as flirtatiousness. I rarely mean anything by it, but it has given the wrong impression before, and I do worry about how I am perceived by either the friend or their partner.

I've often been in the situation where I'd made the partner feel unnecessarily threatened and I tend to worry about that sort of thing. I really hate making anyone uncomfortable. I wish we could all get along and be equal friends, hence the dream attempt. However, my nervousness around other women particularly combined with their uncertainty about me often makes this rather difficult. In fantasy, I fix this sort of jealous situation with sex, by exploring the woman in an attempt to show her how amazing she really is, putting all focus on her, and making her the center of attention. I think that is why flirting  with the partner tends to be the initial reponse. Unfortunately, dream guilt often keeps the fantasy from playing out! >.<

As for the boob line ... I was thinking about how much of a boob-man A is before going to sleep.  Perhaps that had something to do with it. lol

Blonde Cousin, Y U No Red? (Derp)

I'm at what seems to be a wedding with K. (The room we walk into looks a bit like the reception area of the place where F&K married IRL). I remember that K had received a flirty text from his cousin (which didn't didn't strike me as odd) a little while ago. We find her at a table, she greets us. She looks older than I thought she was. She's blonde ... but I thought she was a red-head?

***

I was thinking about K as I laid down to sleep, so his appearance in the dream segment is no shock. I was recently reminded of his rather attractive cousin via facebook. 

I've been noticing everyone dying their hair darker/redder for the fall season, which makes me happy (Gentlemen may prefer blondes but Bee prefers those fiery reds!) Perhaps that thought triggered the blonde confusion.

I'm a bit rusty on recall, as I haven't recorded my dreams in over a year (not counting the three most recent posts, of course.) I'm only able to remember small segments lately. I aim to improve. Once my partner and I move into our new apartment, I will be out of work for a bit. I plan to take advantage of the more flexible sleeping schedule until something else comes along. That should help in getting back on track! ^_^

Rekindle the Flame (Tease)

I'm catching up with an old friend, J in some sort of casual dining area. It seems like an outdoor cafe. There is a stone patio and our table has an umbrella over top of it. She insists on paying, which makes me comfortable. She then suggests seeing a movie (I think it was a movie - this is a fuzzy detail) and plans to pay. At this point, she's at the bottom of the stone steps that lead off of the patio, while I am reluctantly waiting at the top. I can't afford the movie, but her generosity makes me uneasy. I feel as though I do not deserve her kindness. It's like old times. She's talking and laughing like nothing happened. For me, it's bittersweet. I am happy to reconnect with her but worried that it can't last.

***
I've been thinking about this old friend lately. She was one of the best I'd ever had. Sometimes, I wish we were still friends but given the fact that we bonded over our religosity and I am now an atheist, I don't think it could ever be the same. Not to mention, I left her out of that gradual transition completely, for the fear of being judged, which was painful for her. Even if she would of judged, it was unfair of me to not at least give her the chance to be apart of my life. It's a little too late at this point to fix and I am mostly at peace with the situation, but obviously my sub conscience still has a bit to say, hence the guilty tone.

It should also be noted that I'd always admired this friend for a number of reasons, but in this case, her intelligence. I'd always felt below her in that regard, and to seeing how far she's gone with school via facebook status updates while I've had to put higher learning off due to lack of finances makes me feel unsuccessful. I think that explains much of the uneasiness of this dream.


-- Goals --

☆ for more pleasant dreams: Kick negative thoughts out of my mind the moment they appear. I need to get out of the habit of comparing myself with others in waking life. I also need to do the same with thoughts connected to the past.

☆ for lucidity: Get back into the habit of questioning reality in waking life.

what should I call this?

I'm in a room with a dark-skinned brunette girl (I think she is Indian) who is about my size. I'm excited because I think we're going to mess around, but I am too nervous to make any moves myself. I get the feeling she is going to take control.

She wants me to finger her (she doesn't communicate this in an obvious way, but somehow I just know - and it feels like she's guiding me forcefully, but only with her mind). I slip my finger inside of her, and her juices feel so hot that it almost burns. She is on fire! (I remember the hot feeling on my finger vividly) It's almost too hot (literally) for me too handle, but not quite.

She wants me to grope her. Again, it feels like she is forcing me, but physically and verbally, she is not. She must be controlling me with her mind?

I grab her breasts firmly, noting their size and shape; so perfectly round, and not quite a handful. At first, I wish there were more to grab, but then I realize her being smaller excites me.

Now she wants me to eat her out; she really wants it. I slip my tongue inside of her, and she feels even hotter. I can't get over how hot it feels on my tongue. How is this possible? It's almost hot enough to burn the tip, but not quite. I can handle it. I swirl my tongue inside of her hole. It's so wet! She squirts at random, with such force. I can feel it. I wonder how far it would shoot if my mouth weren't there to catch it? I can't take my tongue out though. Will she not let me?

I feel a 'squirming' sensation that for some reason gives me the impression that she is at her peak. I know she is going to squirt again, probably with even more force than before! I catch it with my mouth, tongue outside of her at this point. Now, I can taste it ...it has a different kind of taste than what I'm used to, though. Also a different texture; a bit thicker. I'm not sure that I like it, but I don't dislike it either. It's strong and kind of bitter. (this taste seemed so real!)

Now the Indian girl, my cousin Shayna, a random stranger (I think a man) and I are all in a bedroom that sort of resembles Bryn's room (a little girl I used to babysit irl). There is a bunk bed, and some of us are standing beside it; I think the Indian girl and I are sitting on the bottom bunk. There is a condom wrapper on the bed between us. (In the dream, I assumed that it was from when the Indian girl and I were messing around. Then, I realized that didn't make sense. Maybe it was from Shayna and the man with us?)

My uncle G appears in the door way. Immediately, he notices the condom wrapper (as if he has radar for that sort of thing) and points his judgmental finger toward it, angrily. I can't hear what he's saying, but I can tell he's spewing out religious superior crap. What an moron; why don't you go die already? He goes back into the hallway with my mom and his wife. I can't hear them, but I know they talking about how sinful we are. I roll my eyes.

Now, uncle G and aunt Em are on what I guess is their porch, rocking in their rocking chairs. It's a typical southern scene to me. I go up to them, standing next to the steps that lead up to the porch. Shanya and the Indian girl are behind me. The man may be standing back there too. I'm talking in my superior old man voice, spewing out some bible verses, mimicking him. I want a strong reaction from him. :) I get the feeling that everyone behind me is amused, but that this may be making Shanya a bit uncomfortable.

Strangely, uncle G is laughing with us. I expected he'd tell me that I'm going to hell or something? On the contrary, he seems to find this amusing; so unlike him. It's nice to see him laugh and not take himself so seriously, though. Could it be that he's mellowing out?

Now I am in what seems to be a college bathroom. There are shower stalls in front of me, and I think I had just gotten out of one. I need to pee, so I see there is a hole in the center of the floor. I think it's a drain, but without a cover. I squat down to pee in the hole.

I wait to hear my pee reach the bottom, but it takes a long time! I hope this is in fact a drain. I can hear a man's voice down there - oops! I hope I didn't pee on him. I think Allie (Az's dog) is trapped down there ... I can hear her barking. I get the feeling the man is helping her, so I am not worried.

I enter a bedroom that resembles my cousin Teena's old bedroom, only more spacious. I throw my towel off and sprawl out on the floor, completely naked. ahhhh -I could fall asleep like this!

Suddenly, the man from the hole walks in with Allie. At first, I am embarrassed, but then I am indifferent. Next thing I know, I am excited. I want him to look.

***

Out for a Jog

Az and I are jogging up the main road of our community. As we are approaching the mailboxes, I see Wendy from a distance; I know it's her mostly because of her legs (for some reason, they were very distinguishing in the dream "I'd know those legs anywhere" - strange.) but also because I notice that Dick and their daughter, Bryn, are jogging beside her.

I ask Az to slow down a bit - I don't want to catch up to them. Just as I am hoping Bryn doesn't happen to notice me, I hear "mommy, I see Tai!", a little too close for comfort. As I look to my left to complain to Az, he is already gone; he must have escaped, leaving me to deal the awkwardness - bastard! ;) She runs toward me, we small-talk for a bit, and then she runs back up to Wendy. I am thankful that she didn't have any awkward questions or comments for me. It was odd - she was so casual and nonchalant about everything where she is usually miserable and overly dramatic.

Suddenly, I notice that Dick is jogging beside me; I am instantly pissed. I think he is trying catch up with me in his usual pathetic flirting style, where he obviously thinks that I MUST be into him, while blatantly oblivious of the body language that so obviously proves that I'd love nothing more than for lightening to come crashing of the sky, just to strike him ... >:)~

***

I don't know if this is a separate dream, but I assume it's connected, since I am still walking around the same community.

I am walking down a road - it seems like one in my community because of the hills, but the scenery is much more open, with less trees. The landscape more closely resembles what I've seen while visiting family down south than anything I've become familiar with, living up here.

I'm walking uphill. As I'm getting closer to the top, I realize that there is a blond girl ahead of me - I don't know her, but I guess she is a bit younger than me ... probably in her late teens. She is attractive from behind, but I try not to think that way, since she could be really young.

As I am catching up to her (not deliberately - she has just slowed down a lot while I've been going a steady pace), she has apparently been unaware of me, as my presence seems to have startled her. She gasped, and then stopped for a breather, bent over slightly with her hands on her knees, "God, you scared me!" she exclaims. I chuckle, and playfully apologize.

It now seems that we are good friends, as we are walking together to some random house - neither one of us knows whose house it is, but we decide it would be a good idea to knock on the door and introduce ourselves. At this point, I am noticing that this girl reminds me of a cool chick named Melissa that I used to work with who was also a little younger than me. As we approach the screen door, my little brother is somehow there with us - I get the impression he's only there because he thinks my new friend is hot.

I knock on the door; since it's a screen door, and the main door is open, and I can see inside. After the knock, a middle-aged woman rises from what seems like a hot tub, directly in front of us less than 10 feet from the door. She is coming out to answer in nothing but a bathing suit, which is just kind of awkward; it feels like we are interrupting.

She lets us in, and shows us to the living room, where her sons (I assume that's who they are) are all on computers, fully focused on whatever it is they're doing. She lets them know we are there, but they couldn't care less; one even gave us a slight attitude. Suddenly, I feel really stupid and question why we came in the first place; it seems like such a silly idea now. Oh, well. :)

She Loves Me Not ... She Loves Me? o_0

I am in the basement of my parent's house (quite an an odd setting, for me - but I think, in the dream, it's where I live). First thing I can recall is laying on the pull-out sofa bed that is against the wall where a bookcase used to be (at least, the last time I was there) with Eadoin and a friend (I'm not sure if she is more Eadoin's friend or mine, but I am uneasy around them both).

At some point, it seems as though Eadoin and Rook are back together as a couple (irl, they broke up a while ago, and she has long since moved on). I get the idea that since Eadoin is willing to give Rook another chance, that she is also willing to give me another chance (irl, I assume that she blames and strongly dislikes me for her idea of what went wrong in their relationship). There is a scene I can recall where they are kissing, which is mostly what gives me the impression that they are back together.

On the sofa-bed, we are talking and goofing around. Her personality seems more like my cousin, Moxie's, but then again, Eadoin was always rather timid and reserved around me. Her drunken personality was however, similar to Moxie's actual personality, which could be where the connection was drawn. I find myself wishing I could feel safe enough to truly express myself, but it's difficult. I think it's because I am wary of the situation in general - why is she okay with me all of a sudden? Why is she so 'free' around me?

As I catch a few glimpses of her, I notice that she has slight tan lines on her back, but that her legs are still very pale. With this, I wonder if perhaps being tan in the summer is not as important to her as it is to me. In another scene, where she is walking by the deli with Rook, I notice that she looks wider from the back than she used to - it seems like she has gained some weight. (A fellow co-worker has put on a lot of weight as of recently, which has been disappointing to me, considering she was once very attractive. Because this coworker has always slightly resembled Eadoine in my mind, perhaps I projected this onto her?)

Back on the sofa-bed, I think of asking if everything is really okay (with our situation) for reassurance, but decide against it. I also think of asking what went wrong in the relationship she seems to have broke off in order to go back to Rook, but figure it's not my place. I think at this point, I am trying to 'be free' in the only way I know how... so, I playfully plant a kiss on her mouth, biting her lower lip, hoping to initiate some action ^_-. She smiles and giggles, but backs away, seeming a little uncomfortable with that sort of thing.

At this point, I realize that I had shut the basement door (since I had sexual thoughts at the time, I remembered where I was (my parent's house) and worried that I'd get in trouble). I remember that my parents knew nothing of my 'lesbian tendencies', so I realize that, as long as there are no boys with us, there is nothing to worry about.

Now, we (Eadoine, the friend, and I) are all sitting on the floor by the television. I don't remember what was said, but I feel like Eadoine is being very bossy. Something on the tv reminds me of the manga series I've recently started reading, Black Lagoon, and so I mention it to her. Surprisingly, she seems interested. I don't take her to be much of a manga-chick - maybe we have more in common than I thought? I decide to go upstairs to my bedroom to retrieve the first two books of the series for her.

Rook is in my bedroom, for some reason - I'm a little surprised to find him there, but not terribly (it should have been a little creepy for me). As I am grabbing the mangas, he comes up behind me and lightly nibbles on my neck. I let him do it for a moment, because it's just the right spot, but when it 'clicks' what is happening, I run back downstairs ... "what is with him - didn't he learn his lesson when he lost her the last time he fooled around?!"

***

This dream took place at my parent's likely because they have been on my mind more lately, as my mother and I are trying to 'mend' our relationship (or lack thereof).

Oh, the fun I could have, if only I could learn to free myself of the guilt and worry by becoming lucid! >.<