Rekindle the Flame (Tease)

I'm catching up with an old friend, J in some sort of casual dining area. It seems like an outdoor cafe. There is a stone patio and our table has an umbrella over top of it. She insists on paying, which makes me comfortable. She then suggests seeing a movie (I think it was a movie - this is a fuzzy detail) and plans to pay. At this point, she's at the bottom of the stone steps that lead off of the patio, while I am reluctantly waiting at the top. I can't afford the movie, but her generosity makes me uneasy. I feel as though I do not deserve her kindness. It's like old times. She's talking and laughing like nothing happened. For me, it's bittersweet. I am happy to reconnect with her but worried that it can't last.

***
I've been thinking about this old friend lately. She was one of the best I'd ever had. Sometimes, I wish we were still friends but given the fact that we bonded over our religosity and I am now an atheist, I don't think it could ever be the same. Not to mention, I left her out of that gradual transition completely, for the fear of being judged, which was painful for her. Even if she would of judged, it was unfair of me to not at least give her the chance to be apart of my life. It's a little too late at this point to fix and I am mostly at peace with the situation, but obviously my sub conscience still has a bit to say, hence the guilty tone.

It should also be noted that I'd always admired this friend for a number of reasons, but in this case, her intelligence. I'd always felt below her in that regard, and to seeing how far she's gone with school via facebook status updates while I've had to put higher learning off due to lack of finances makes me feel unsuccessful. I think that explains much of the uneasiness of this dream.


-- Goals --

☆ for more pleasant dreams: Kick negative thoughts out of my mind the moment they appear. I need to get out of the habit of comparing myself with others in waking life. I also need to do the same with thoughts connected to the past.

☆ for lucidity: Get back into the habit of questioning reality in waking life.

what should I call this?

I'm in a room with a dark-skinned brunette girl (I think she is Indian) who is about my size. I'm excited because I think we're going to mess around, but I am too nervous to make any moves myself. I get the feeling she is going to take control.

She wants me to finger her (she doesn't communicate this in an obvious way, but somehow I just know - and it feels like she's guiding me forcefully, but only with her mind). I slip my finger inside of her, and her juices feel so hot that it almost burns. She is on fire! (I remember the hot feeling on my finger vividly) It's almost too hot (literally) for me too handle, but not quite.

She wants me to grope her. Again, it feels like she is forcing me, but physically and verbally, she is not. She must be controlling me with her mind?

I grab her breasts firmly, noting their size and shape; so perfectly round, and not quite a handful. At first, I wish there were more to grab, but then I realize her being smaller excites me.

Now she wants me to eat her out; she really wants it. I slip my tongue inside of her, and she feels even hotter. I can't get over how hot it feels on my tongue. How is this possible? It's almost hot enough to burn the tip, but not quite. I can handle it. I swirl my tongue inside of her hole. It's so wet! She squirts at random, with such force. I can feel it. I wonder how far it would shoot if my mouth weren't there to catch it? I can't take my tongue out though. Will she not let me?

I feel a 'squirming' sensation that for some reason gives me the impression that she is at her peak. I know she is going to squirt again, probably with even more force than before! I catch it with my mouth, tongue outside of her at this point. Now, I can taste it ...it has a different kind of taste than what I'm used to, though. Also a different texture; a bit thicker. I'm not sure that I like it, but I don't dislike it either. It's strong and kind of bitter. (this taste seemed so real!)

Now the Indian girl, my cousin Shayna, a random stranger (I think a man) and I are all in a bedroom that sort of resembles Bryn's room (a little girl I used to babysit irl). There is a bunk bed, and some of us are standing beside it; I think the Indian girl and I are sitting on the bottom bunk. There is a condom wrapper on the bed between us. (In the dream, I assumed that it was from when the Indian girl and I were messing around. Then, I realized that didn't make sense. Maybe it was from Shayna and the man with us?)

My uncle G appears in the door way. Immediately, he notices the condom wrapper (as if he has radar for that sort of thing) and points his judgmental finger toward it, angrily. I can't hear what he's saying, but I can tell he's spewing out religious superior crap. What an moron; why don't you go die already? He goes back into the hallway with my mom and his wife. I can't hear them, but I know they talking about how sinful we are. I roll my eyes.

Now, uncle G and aunt Em are on what I guess is their porch, rocking in their rocking chairs. It's a typical southern scene to me. I go up to them, standing next to the steps that lead up to the porch. Shanya and the Indian girl are behind me. The man may be standing back there too. I'm talking in my superior old man voice, spewing out some bible verses, mimicking him. I want a strong reaction from him. :) I get the feeling that everyone behind me is amused, but that this may be making Shanya a bit uncomfortable.

Strangely, uncle G is laughing with us. I expected he'd tell me that I'm going to hell or something? On the contrary, he seems to find this amusing; so unlike him. It's nice to see him laugh and not take himself so seriously, though. Could it be that he's mellowing out?

Now I am in what seems to be a college bathroom. There are shower stalls in front of me, and I think I had just gotten out of one. I need to pee, so I see there is a hole in the center of the floor. I think it's a drain, but without a cover. I squat down to pee in the hole.

I wait to hear my pee reach the bottom, but it takes a long time! I hope this is in fact a drain. I can hear a man's voice down there - oops! I hope I didn't pee on him. I think Allie (Az's dog) is trapped down there ... I can hear her barking. I get the feeling the man is helping her, so I am not worried.

I enter a bedroom that resembles my cousin Teena's old bedroom, only more spacious. I throw my towel off and sprawl out on the floor, completely naked. ahhhh -I could fall asleep like this!

Suddenly, the man from the hole walks in with Allie. At first, I am embarrassed, but then I am indifferent. Next thing I know, I am excited. I want him to look.

***

Sunday School Atheist

I am in Sunday School (or youth group?) with an old acquaintance, Melissa, whom I definitely do not know from church irl. The Sunday School teacher is Mr. Tahmores, my mother's former home-schooling supervisor irl. I was never too fond of him - he seemed like all the other pompous, religious asses that I've been more than familiar with for most of my life.

He was teaching a lesson, but I was not paying attention. Instead, Melissa and I were off in a corner, discussing a passage from the Bible that was apparently evidence of a biblical flaw. I was pointing it out to her - since she seems so interested, I end up spending the remainder of class explaining it to her.

By the end of the lesson, Mr. Tahmores seems to have noticed, at some point, that we were not paying attention to his lesson. He doesn't seem angry, however, which seems odd to me until I realize what he's up to.

Somehow, I come to realize that he doesn't know I am an atheist but is slightly aware that I have 'doubts' when it comes to Christianity. He arrogantly assumes that I am 'confused' about a certain passage and that that is what I was discussing with Melissa. He sees this as the perfect opportunity to 'clear up a doubt', which is why he, rather than angrily, 'giddily', seems to be getting off on this.

"Which passage are you two interested in, Tai?" I absolutely hate that stupid, egotistical twinkle in his eye. "I'd rather not say." He keeps urging me to tell him, using various Christianese comfort phrases to help me feel 'safe' enough to 'open up', but I continue to refuse: "No, it'd be better if I didn't."

Caught with his Pants Down!

I'm in a small bedroom (not one that I can recall from real life) with Eidan - I think it's supposed to be his. Even though its not set up the same, it somehow reminds me of mine and Deban's (an ex) room when we were living with his father. I'm sitting in the corner almost behind the mostly closed door while he is sitting somewhat diagonal from me a good distance away, playing a video game.

All of a sudden, Eidan is standing in front of me with his penis out, fully erect and in hand. I zoom in on it, and notice that it's much larger than it should be. I love it when he's so up front with his sexual energy because usually he's so calm and controlled - it's really turning me on, but I'm worried that his penis it too big for me - "how is that going to fit inside of me?"

As I am now on my back and my pants are somehow already down, he goes to shove it in. I'm begging him to play with me first, as I want to make sure I'm at my wettest state to prevent the pain I expect to experience.

He doesn't respond, obviously not wanting to play! He instantly rams it inside as far as it will go, and to my surprise, it doesn't hurt; not in a bad way at least. The feeling is odd, but in a good way ... I can tell it's such a tight squeeze, but it's only the pressure that I feel. It's doesn't feel like normal sex, but it's still feels awesome!

I'm trying so hard to control myself by biting down on my own fist, but loud squeaks and moans still manage to escape from my mouth. They sound so loud, but I don't understand how they can be. I'm afraid Eidan's mom is going to catch us, and I can somehow tell that he's thinking the same thing.

We are so close to the door (literally right beside it) that we are able to quickly notice it slowly opening. It was never all the way shut, likely because Eidan's mom doesn't like us to be completely out of view. (Even though Eidan and I are both adults, his mother has religious convictions and is very firm about not allowing that sort of thing under her roof.)

Just before the door opens halfway, Eidan jumps off of me quicker than he could possibly move irl and is back against the other wall playing his game by the time she enters the room with clean laundry. I don't think he had enough time to pull his pants up, because I see that he is now under the blue blanket that I usually sleep with. He pulled out so quickly that my vagina feels like it's 'in shock' (lol) - it felt like he was still inside, even though he obviously wasn't - it was strange.

I don't remember pulling my pants up, but somehow I am totally decent. I'm a little sweaty, but I'm pulling that off by pretending that I just finished a work out (I don't know how I was pretending that as I was actually just sitting there, but in the dream I knew it was a believable front). Somehow, there is now a pile of dirty towels next to me and I am using one to wipe the sweat from my forehead as she is walking toward Eidan with a pile of folded clothes.

I feel like she must suspect something, since she seems annoyed. For some reason, she puts the clothes down and looks under the blanket he is using to cover the fact that he's indecent. Suddenly, she's going back and fourth between yelling and grunting angry remarks under her breath.

For some reason, I get the idea that she assumes he's been masturbating rather than having sex. (I don't know if that was a blind assumption or if it was based on one of her comments. I don't actually remember her comments.)

***