Boob Envy

I'm with JT and his wife at their house.I think I'm in the kitchen at this point, goofing off with JT. (I don't remember what we were doing). I get the feeling his wife is not pleased with me. Did I do something wrong? I think of offering to babysit for them while they go on a date but decide against it. If she hates me, she probably won't want me getting close with her child.

Now, we're in the living room. JT is sitting on this huge, comfy chair. I am sharing it with him, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that since it really is big enough for two. His wife has gone upstairs to take a shower. I take this opportunity to ask JT point blank, "does your wife hate me?" JT answers "no, she doesn't hate you ... she just doesn't like the effect your boobs have on me." (lol)

She comes downstairs from the bathroom with wet hair and sits down on the couch. She's so gorgeous even right out of the shower! Why is she jealous of me? I think about how hot she looks even with shorter hair (IRL, I prefer long hair on women, with a few exceptions).

I want to flirt with her a little, but I'm worried it won't be well-received. I'm silly with her instead, making some jokes, and she seems to be okay with me. We're getting along and laughing together.

***

IRL, I'm not sure how JT's wife feels about me. I worry that she doesn't like me, which is upsetting since I actually admire her. Wanting to babysit to allow them alone time was an attempt to show that I care about the health of their relationship. This idea has come up IRL too.  'Real life correcting' dreams are a relatively common theme for me and perhaps mentioning them to a friend in conversation yesterday inspired another?

As for the guilty theme, duh. :)  I tend to befriend men more easily than women, though I crave close friendships with women as well. It's just more difficult for me to be open with women, given my 'mommy-issues'. When I feel comfortable enough with a friend of either gender, I tend to be playful which can manifest as flirtatiousness. I rarely mean anything by it, but it has given the wrong impression before, and I do worry about how I am perceived by either the friend or their partner.

I've often been in the situation where I'd made the partner feel unnecessarily threatened and I tend to worry about that sort of thing. I really hate making anyone uncomfortable. I wish we could all get along and be equal friends, hence the dream attempt. However, my nervousness around other women particularly combined with their uncertainty about me often makes this rather difficult. In fantasy, I fix this sort of jealous situation with sex, by exploring the woman in an attempt to show her how amazing she really is, putting all focus on her, and making her the center of attention. I think that is why flirting  with the partner tends to be the initial reponse. Unfortunately, dream guilt often keeps the fantasy from playing out! >.<

As for the boob line ... I was thinking about how much of a boob-man A is before going to sleep.  Perhaps that had something to do with it. lol

the Coffee Quest

I'm on vacation with my parents in some sort of motel. I realize there is no coffeemaker in the room. My dad tells me that I have to walk outside to get to the coffee. My mom mentions it not being like the M. Country Motel. I think she is insinuating that it will be a longer walk. I remember the M. Motel ... the coffee was in the main cottage (a two minute walk).

I am now outside in what seems like a back alley. I pass a few strange shops - one of which seems mystical in nature (I can't remember the details). I'm suddenly feeling very anti-social. It's a little crowded. I'm thinking someone is going to try hitting on me and I'm really not in the mood. I just want coffee.

I'm at the end of a road leading to a main road where a 'parade' (I think?) is going on. I see T.W. helping with what looks like a float? Maybe it's something to do with 'the coffee house' (an evangelism outreach program my former church did and still does)? I ask her if she knows where I can find coffee. She points me in a direction, but she's not making sense. I continue walking.

I'm back at the motel, never having found it. My stomach hurts. I contribute this to the lack of coffee.

***

I got an e-mail from my mom after not having heard from her since they visited in December (when we stayed in the the M. Motel together) I tend to worry, when I don't hear from her, that she has somehow found out about my atheism and wants nothing to do with me all over again (we're only on good terms as of recently after six years of little to no communication). Thinking about their past visit is likely what inspired the setting.

I often feel anti-social at work when it comes to customers. I have days that I am fine making conversation and then days where everything from eye contact to explanations of a product make me nervous. I am always pleasant (for the most part) and rarely let these tendencies affect my happy facade, but they are there none-the-less. The nervousness in the dream came about the same way it does at work or any other time IRL - randomly and/or for silly reasons.

Facebook status updates about the coffee house (since I am still friends with some people from that church) probably influenced T.W.'s appearance and the coffee house. Perhaps my need for coffee triggered a memory of the most recent mention of the word?

Lack of coffee doesn't actually make my stomach hurt, but it does help keep me regular. When I don't have coffee, it does throw me off ... :-p I did wake up with an actual stomach ache, though. I also made myself a nice cup of coffee! ^_-

this post is full of shit ...

I am standing in Az's living room in front of the couch, and I see that he has fallen asleep with DJ (my ex's baby nephew) cuddled up to him. Az is kind of lying on his side while DJ is sprawled out against his stomach and legs. It's a cute sight to see, but I worry that Az may accidentally roll over onto Deej, so I need to pick him up off the couch. I realize that Az is kind of crushing him from the waist down ... how did I not notice that before? Did it just happen?

Now, I see that he doesn't even have a diaper on. The little punk must've taken it off. I smell something awful, but I don't see poop anywhere. I ask Az to get up, which he does, and sure enough, the poop falls off of the leg of his pants - gross. I realize that I also have a smudge on my new robe ... I guess from when I moved DJ from the couch. Man, I just washed this thing last night!

I switch into my old, ratty robe for now and realize that there is also poop on this one. (wft??) Why haven't I cleaned up the mess on the floor/couch yet? I need to put a new blanket on the couch and clean up the floor in the living room. (for some reason I didn't even think to clean up DJ and put a new diaper on him. In fact, I don't even know where he went).

Az hasn't even changed into some clean pants. I'm annoyed because he doesn't even care - he's just going to stay in them.

I still haven't cleaned up the messes. I need to get on that. Why do I keep procrastinating?

I'm over by the bathroom, I think to get a towel. There are some big, new, fancy white shelves where the closet used to be. There are new rags and towels, a variety of sizes and colors (yellow, blue and pink, all extremely vivid, stand out the most in my memory) folded nicely on almost every shelf. I guess this is what Az's mother has been doing while she had the house to herself. When did she buy all these new towels? I find it odd that it seems as though there is only a towel for each shelf - I think they could all fit in a couple so that the other shelves could be used for other things.

Something else happens here, but I've lost the details. I think it involves talking to a stranger who is for some reason in the house, by the new shelves.

Another distraction. I still have poop to clean up. ugh!

***

I'm not sure that I'll ever want kids (not any time soon, at least) but every once in a while, I will daydream about it; especially right after having been around children or talking with mother/father friends about their children. (I have this fear that I will not make a good mother which fuels in me a strong desire to be known as a good mother, hence the desire to dream up 'test' scenarios.) That's been the case, lately. On the way home from our road trip, my mind was bored, and at some point, I began imagining different scenes where I placed myself in different motherly positions - whether as an actual mother or simply babysitting. Certain aspects of those daydreams did appear in the dream.

I have not seen DJ in a long time since I am no longer with my ex, but I remember how good my ex was with him before he had a son of his own; I was thinking about it the other day when he sent me a video of his son laughing hysterically. This is probably the reason for DJ's appearance. Sometimes, I try and imagine how Az would be as a father (as I did at the xmas party with his family), which likely inspired the babysitting theme.

I got Az's mother new towels for xmas, so that might have something to do with the towels on the new shelves. I bought her beige towels because that's what matched the bathroom best, but I secretly wanted to buy the brightly colored ones. ;)

Az's mother was also planning to clean the house while everyone was gone for the day, so I wondered if there would be a huge difference by the time we got home. This may have inspired bright new shelves thing.

My annoyance with Az for not changing his pants may have something to do with the fact that he doesn't always change into clean clothes when I would (like after he'd been under his car changing his oil). It has never annoyed me irl but I do think about it for a brief moment ("he's not going to change? silly boys ... I would feel like I had to"), but perhaps it does on some level, and is one of those things that will surface once we've been together for a bit longer ... ;)

I've been feeling guilty because I've been using the holidays as an excuse to neglect my math, so perhaps that has something to do with the procrastination anxiety.

I had to wash my new robe because I wore it while I was sick this week- I felt like it must be full of germs. Yesterday, I had to wash it again because I got it dirty. I was a little annoyed because I didn't want to wear the old one - it's not as warm, soft and fuzzy. ;)

As for the shit ...

I don't feel like analyzing that one. :)

the Math Test

I've just completed a spare math test that was printed up with a number of other tests and quizzes by Az's mother for her students (she is a teacher, irl, and because I am trying to prepare myself for college, she lets me use some of her materials to practice with). I don't think I am actually one of her students in the dream, even though she is treating me as if I am (irl Az is my tutor, when I need one). I realize that she is grading my work, which is a little awkward for me considering that a) Az usually does it and b) I'm always afraid that his mom is judging me; in this case, that she'd think I was stupid (she's a sweet lady irl; I just have mommy-issues.)

I am confident that I did well on the test, so lack of skill has nothing to do with the anxiety. I've been working on this stuff for weeks. I see her shaking her head though, as she grades. There is almost a look of disgust on her face and, even though she thinks I can't hear her, she is mumbling something under her breath. I can't make it out, but who mumbles anything good under their breath? Does she think I'm like one of her dumb students? (she works with troubled kids; she is not a mean person, and does not throw that word around; she is very encouraging. Most of the kids in her class struggle, but that's that the issue. She deals with a lot of know-it-alls that don't want to learn and live under the delusion they can go far in life without passing high-school; these are the kids she rants about. Clearly, I wouldn't fit into that category, but my fears are rarely rational.)

I don't remember her handing it to me, but next thing I know, I have the graded test in my hands. I see that there is a giant, red 'F' on it. I am confused, among other things. I knew this stuff. Did I spend all that time learning it wrong?

***

As excited as I am to finally go to college next year (I've wanted to for such a long time, but family issues, lack of money, lack of time, etc all got in the way) I am also scared to death. It's all connected to fear of a new situation and my lack of confidence, which are things that I struggle with on a daily basis. (Gotta beat those!! >.<)

As for my mommy-issues .... yea, they gotta go too. It's been confirmed time and time again that the majority of women I've come to know are nothing like my mother.

Grrr, this is crap! I'll be aiming for sex dream next time, so wish me luck and stay tuned!

Writing on the Wall!

I'm sitting on the floor, looking at the door frame of Az's mother's bedroom. In the dream, the door frame is white (although, it is brown irl) and there is a picture of a cat's face that seems to have been drawn towards the bottom of it in black sharpie. I don't remember doing it, but I know it was me ... and get the feeling that it was done only moments ago. Why do I always do this? (ref. I had a habit of writing on walls, or various other surfaces, as a child. As I got older, I would find that, with a writing utensil nearby, while my mind was preoccupied with something else and if my left hand was free (ex. while on the telephone), I'd write on things (the receiver, the night stand, etc) without even realizing.) Panicking, as I don't want Az's mother to find it (what would she think?!), I begin thinking of ways to cover it up ... (I wonder if there's any leftover white paint in the house?)

***

Could that new sharpie commercial have opened my 'sharpie schema' (likely connected to my love of writing on anything and everything, with sharpies especially! *grins giddily*) As lame as it was (the commercial >.<), I found it quite enjoyable!

It should be noted that I am naturally nervous around Az's mom, irl. There is no 'good' reason for it, as she is obviously a nice lady, but aspects of her personality/lifestyle remind me too much of my own mother's which leads to an irrational fear of being 'disliked' or constantly judged by her.

While rarely are they 'nightmares', my dreams sure are never fully pleasant! Clearly, I worry WAYYY too much! I must rid my mind of all this crap!

Caught with his Pants Down!

I'm in a small bedroom (not one that I can recall from real life) with Eidan - I think it's supposed to be his. Even though its not set up the same, it somehow reminds me of mine and Deban's (an ex) room when we were living with his father. I'm sitting in the corner almost behind the mostly closed door while he is sitting somewhat diagonal from me a good distance away, playing a video game.

All of a sudden, Eidan is standing in front of me with his penis out, fully erect and in hand. I zoom in on it, and notice that it's much larger than it should be. I love it when he's so up front with his sexual energy because usually he's so calm and controlled - it's really turning me on, but I'm worried that his penis it too big for me - "how is that going to fit inside of me?"

As I am now on my back and my pants are somehow already down, he goes to shove it in. I'm begging him to play with me first, as I want to make sure I'm at my wettest state to prevent the pain I expect to experience.

He doesn't respond, obviously not wanting to play! He instantly rams it inside as far as it will go, and to my surprise, it doesn't hurt; not in a bad way at least. The feeling is odd, but in a good way ... I can tell it's such a tight squeeze, but it's only the pressure that I feel. It's doesn't feel like normal sex, but it's still feels awesome!

I'm trying so hard to control myself by biting down on my own fist, but loud squeaks and moans still manage to escape from my mouth. They sound so loud, but I don't understand how they can be. I'm afraid Eidan's mom is going to catch us, and I can somehow tell that he's thinking the same thing.

We are so close to the door (literally right beside it) that we are able to quickly notice it slowly opening. It was never all the way shut, likely because Eidan's mom doesn't like us to be completely out of view. (Even though Eidan and I are both adults, his mother has religious convictions and is very firm about not allowing that sort of thing under her roof.)

Just before the door opens halfway, Eidan jumps off of me quicker than he could possibly move irl and is back against the other wall playing his game by the time she enters the room with clean laundry. I don't think he had enough time to pull his pants up, because I see that he is now under the blue blanket that I usually sleep with. He pulled out so quickly that my vagina feels like it's 'in shock' (lol) - it felt like he was still inside, even though he obviously wasn't - it was strange.

I don't remember pulling my pants up, but somehow I am totally decent. I'm a little sweaty, but I'm pulling that off by pretending that I just finished a work out (I don't know how I was pretending that as I was actually just sitting there, but in the dream I knew it was a believable front). Somehow, there is now a pile of dirty towels next to me and I am using one to wipe the sweat from my forehead as she is walking toward Eidan with a pile of folded clothes.

I feel like she must suspect something, since she seems annoyed. For some reason, she puts the clothes down and looks under the blanket he is using to cover the fact that he's indecent. Suddenly, she's going back and fourth between yelling and grunting angry remarks under her breath.

For some reason, I get the idea that she assumes he's been masturbating rather than having sex. (I don't know if that was a blind assumption or if it was based on one of her comments. I don't actually remember her comments.)

***